Vegans propose using human gas as quick-fix, organic alternative energy source

As petroleum prices continue to rise and the debate about finding alternative energy is as hot as ever, a small portion of the population is offering up a different solution. Vegans, in an attempt to reuse a higher percentage of their own waste, are offering up their gas as a powerful fuel source.

For the record, vegans are vegetarians who choose not to eat any product from an animal. This choice includes foregoing milk, eggs, cheese and all other forms of dairy products. As a result, many of the foods they do choose to eat, such as lentils and beans, cause them to produce a higher-than-normal amount of human gas. Also as a result of their diet, the gas is rather potent.

Recently, at their secret vegan meetings where they discuss how to convert more people to veganism and go on and on about their self-righteous ways, vegan Jared Ludlow proposed catching their gas and using it to fuel cars of the future. Ludlow explains his reasoning for the idea, “Every day I pass gas, and it can easily clear an entire room. And it does so very quickly. Something about vegan gas causes a great deal of movement in humans, so what if we can isolate what that is and apply it to our machines? They’ll be able to travel for days off just one of my dinners. Imagine if more people got involved!” He added, “Plus, it’ll be a great way to reduce our waste onto this earth through the atmosphere. Plus, it’s organic-and you know how important it is to have organic options. Plus, it’ll give us another excuse to feel better about ourselves compared to everyone else.”

As for the actual implementation of the organic gas solution, not much as been done. Most scientists scoff at the idea or dismiss it as tomfoolery. Ludlow has not given up hope, “All scientists are run by oil companies. It’s a proven fact. If we can just get through to them, they’ll understand how great our solution is.” When asked how he planned on ‘getting through’ to the science and research community, Ludlow answered simply, “Hugs. Long and awkward hugs.

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