Because of the rather boring and depressing nature of much of the United State’s economy, the Wall Street Journal is considering adding a ‘Sports’ section. Says Marty Bigshott, the (secret) Editor in chief of the paper, “A sports section will allow us to keep our credibility as a news source by consistently delivering content, while distracting people from our currently feeble and pathetic economy.”

The WSJ has been lagging behind other publications in terms of its general readership, a statistic they contribute to the horrifying nature of most of their truthful, daily economic articles. Their lack of pretty pictures and updates on local sports matches as put them at a disadvantage in terms of their level of “soft news.” They hope to change everything around by adding a very unique sports section.

Rather than a regular sport section where both teams are announced and a play by play is given of what happened during the game, the WSJ will only announce the winners from the previous nights sports match ups with colorful, happy pictures of the winners. It will highlight winning teams reactions and favorite hobbies outside the sports. It will hold a special “Furry Creatures Competing Like Humans” section for the Sunday paper, where it will highlight all the animal matches from the previous week, with an emphasis on puppies and kittens.

When asked if he thought his readers would support such a move, Bigshott said, “Of course! People don’t really care what they’re reading anymore. As long as they read a little bit of something, they can consider themselves informed.” He added, “And I know a lot of Wall Street bigwigs who love to share their opinion on the fastest turtle breed to bet on at a local church turtle race.”

Bigshott ended the interview with a huge smile and thumbs up, as a small tear rolled down his troubled face.