14-year-old Gordon Ashburg is, yet again, in a fight with his parents. The trio, who seemed to get along just two short years ago, have found themselves especially angry at each other over the past year. Where they used to find common ground on many parent/son issues, they are now finding more and more conflict.

Though these may seem like somewhat normal circumstances for parents raising a teenage son, Ashburg is convinced nobody really understands what he’s going through, stating, “You guys just don’t get it. My parents are so stupid! They don’t listen and don’t understand anything. Anything!”

In order to substantiate this wild claim, Ashburg conducted some research of his own. He discovered that one of earth’s more basic organisms, tree moss, grows in dark, damp places and spreads across many areas to insure its survival. His parents, however, spend lots of time in the harsh, dangerous sun spreading only their waistlines with their poor eating habits. Therefore, Ashburg drew the conclusion that his parents combined IQ must be lower than the tree moss because they make poorer decisions for their survival.

While the news might be shocking to many who know and work with Ashburg’s parents, it comes as absolutely no surprise to the teen. “You should see how they nag me about cleaning my room. I mean, they’re so stupid! They just don’t get it! Nobody understands me!”

Ashburg holds out hope that with the right amount of training, counseling and weekly allowance, his findings could be slightly altered. Until then, however, he vows to continue to treat them like the scum of the earth they are.