Last Sunday, when Police Chief Harold Grossman reported for duty, he was ready to hear the usual onslaught of horror stories from the night before.

This past weekend, however, was an eerily quiet one on the streets of Detroit. For the first time in Chief Grossman’s tenure as a police officer, nothing significant happened overnight. Grossman explains, “This city is a very dangerous, disturbing place. For nothing to happen over a busy weekend is unnerving. It’s almost like the calm before the storm. It makes me terrified of what will happen next weekend.”

Detroit residents were also shocked to open the paper and not see reports of murders or muggings throughout the area over the weekend. Ben Rowings, a long-time Detroit resident, claimed “The paper was filled with fluff stories about the improving economy and available jobs in cities other than Detroit. But the juicy stuff, the stuff that makes Detroit earn its name as the butthole of America, all that stuff was gone! I don’t know what to read! I don’t know what to believe anymore! I’m so upset and confused.”

“We define ourselves by our crimes and our pitiful responses to them. Without the crime, we don’t know who we are,” Grossman explains.

Chief Grossman has issued a public statement that thugs throughout Detroit need to have better communication so a lull in action like the past weekend never happens again.