Sarah Palin, Fox’s latest newsroom hire, has claimed that she wants to do many of her interviews via satellite in Alaska rather than making the trek to the continental United States. She claims that she needs to keep an eye out for Alaska, even though she’s no longer governor. She says she protects Alaska now by often staying out on her front porch and staring at Russia.

Palin feels more adamantly than ever, given Russia’s current political changes, that it is really important to guard the home front from the front lines. She wants the entire nation to see what a brave citizen she is by staying on her front porch and watching Russia with “snake eyes.”

“Much like the scouts in the wild, wild west who were sent to watch the horizon, so I sit with my eye on the border,” she said, quickly realizing it was a statement profound and poetic enough to Tweet.

When asked how often she would be seen actually in person on the station, she answered, “I hate going into the lion’s den because New York City has so many liberals. But I’ll do it if that’s what my country needs.”

Until her country calls her, however, Palin remains faithful to Alaska by sitting on her front porch and staring into the distance, simply muttering “Stay off my lawn, Ruskies. I know you’re out there,” as do the other old men in neighborhoods all over the world.