Headlines!

Rather than writing full articles, we here at the Snoopy Digest have been focusing on writing headline jokes over the past couple months. Here are some of the highlights (and there will be many more to come!) Hope at least one makes you giggle…

From April 28, 2011

According to the NY Times, New Jersey residents are upset about the installation of solar panels around their communities calling them “hideous,” “ugly” and an “eyesore.” Which is ironic, because that’s how everyone else in the country describes New Jersey residents. 

In an unusual move, a judge who will be hearing the last remaining negligence lawsuit from 9/11 has set a 30-day time limit on trial. Because the thing 9/11 victims families really appreciate is to be reminded that their loved one’s time is up.

I think the Birther’s are a conspiracy planted by terrorists to distract the United States from real issues… like terrorists.

Republicans have rekindled Birther conspiracy theories after President Obama admitted not personally remembering any details of the day he was born.

According to the NY Times, a growing number young people are becoming increasingly more unfamiliar with cursive thanks to the prevalence of keyboards and smartphones, which could make historical documents like the Constitution difficult to read to future generations. Fox News is hoping this means future generations will be more apt to just “take their word for it.”

Republican legislatures are pushing states to adopt a policy of requiring would-be-voters to show a government-issued ID, which would systematically marginalize traditionally democratic voters like the young, the poor, and African Americans. Not to mention it’d be so embarrassing to show someone your DMV picture.

It turns out contact with armadillos can result in leprosy in humans, which puts a real damper on my weekend plans.

April 29, 2011

Former technology consultant Willard Lanham turned himself in to authorities today after admitting he stole $3.6 million from the Department of Education. The government was shocked, claiming, “Nowhere in any part of history could we ever have suspected that a white man would take advantage of a system and that his greediness would overcome his better nature.”

Prince William and Kate Middleton were married this morning in a ceremony that has been called a “dream,” though twenty something women everywhere who grew up picturing themselves as his wife, have referred to the day as a “nightmare.”

Prince William and Briana Hansen were married this morning in a lavish, glittery, perfect ceremony in London at Westminster Abbey and if you try to tell me any differently, I’ll punch you in the face. 

April 30, 2011

According to the Census Bureau, the land mass in the United States has been steadily shrinking since the 1940s. Land mass experts have turned to the expert advice found daily in their email that say explicitly, “Help combat shrinkage.”

A music festival in China called “Strawberry” has been cancelled by the Chinese government citing reasons related to recent rainstorms, though the act has raised concerns of more government crackdowns on dissidents. The Chinese government issued a statement in response saying, “It’s not our fault it might rain. We’re not god…yet.”

Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels said he would follow through with signing a bill that cuts funds for clinics for woman. My advice to other women in Indiana- as a woman from Indiana- get out get out get out get out!

Studies suggest that success in online social networking does not inherently translate to more successful or stronger offline relationships, which is completely opposite of what my Facebook boyfriend said while we were gchat-ting the other day about our latest Skype date.

May 1, 2011

The space shuttle Endeavor’s final launch has been delayed again by NASA technicians, who admit they have a serious case of senioritis. 

Michael Jackson’s former physician asked for a delay in his trial, claiming they had been “sandbagged” with a new scientific theories from the prosecuting attorneys. Frustrated, the doctor claimed the only man he would ever allow to “sandbag” him he’s on trial for the involuntary manslaughter of.

Marines across the country were briefed matter-of-factly about the repeal of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, focusing on what it would and would not change for expected day to day duties of the military personnel. After the briefing, the commanding officers said if there were any lingering questions on the policy change, to shut the hell up because they didn’t give a shit.

A new study published earlier this month found that people who believed in a loving, compassionate god were more likely to cheat on a test than those who believed in an angry, punitive god, fueling parent groups everywhere to continue to threaten and terrify their children into submission.

May 2, 2011

President Obama confirmed to the world last night that Osama bin Ladin has been killed. Newlyweds William and Kate issued a statement thanking the President for holding off on the news until after their wedding.

President Obama confirmed to the world last night that Osama bin Ladin has been killed, shocking many stubborn ignorant Americans who insisted that they thought they elected him in 2008.

President Obama confirmed to the world last night that Osama bin Ladin has been killed. Meanwhile, the privileged young woman on her iPhone continued to complain about a look the woman at Macys gave her while shopping earlier today.

President Obama confirmed to the world last night that Osama bin Ladin has been killed, which is likely the final push forward for the much anticipated sequel “How Obama Got His Groove Back (Osama Style).”

President Obama confirmed to the world last night that Osama bin Ladin has been killed. Meanwhile, his aides waited anxiously to see how his critics would spin the story and somehow blame the President. Don’t worry, boys. We all have faith you can do it.

May 13, 2011

Mike Huckabee is set to announce whether or not he’ll run for President in 2012 in the upcoming days. When asked how his campaign strategy this time will differ from four years ago, he said frankly, “This time, I’m going to devour my competition. Literally.”

Bush Administration senior officials came out in huge numbers over the weekend to argue that many of the policies set up during the Bush years made it possible for President Obama to find and kill Osama Bin Laden. When asked if their financial policies could also be credited to current dismal economic conditions, Bush officials answered, “Aw, hell no. We were only did the good stuff.”

CIA investigators questioned Osama Bin Laden’s widows for the first time this past Thursday, but declined to give details as to what they learned. Speculators suggest the main topic of conversation was whether or not the former terrorist leader was a good snuggler.

A huge boom in parakeet numbers in suburbs outside London are frustrating residents and confusing scientists. The birds are loud, aggressive, and consistently pick and win fights with local birds. Residents claim they remind them too much of native New York City residents, especially because the parakeets have set up five boroughs, have a tree dedicated to major theater, and even have some birds that give rides to other birds in exchange for small seeds.

May 16, 2011

Former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich claimed that in a fair election, there would be no way President Obama could win. He then looked confused as those around him laughed uncontrollably.

Former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich claimed that in a fair election, there would be no way President Obama could win. He claimed, “For two long years minorities have had it easy in this country. It’s time for us to change… back to the way things were.”

Former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich claimed that in a fair election, there would be no way President Obama could win. He then went on to clarify that his definition of “fair” was if only people who liked the former speaker would be allowed to vote.

May 18, 2011

On Tuesday, Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted he had fathered a child nearly a decade ago with one of his household staff before running for Governor. He admits it was easier to hide the affair since he was not the one who got pregnant this time.

Lady Gaga reached 10 million followers on Twitter. And 90% of Florida residents have no idea what I just said.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have named their twin children Morrocan and Monroe, which is arguably the most interesting thing the two have ever done as a couple.

The US Government is suing Starbucks for firing a dwarf employee who apparently asked for a stool or stepladder to properly perform her job. She apparently also was insulted if anyone ordered a “short” drink in her presence.

May 24, 2011

For the second time this month, the Mexican Army has seized what they’ve dubbed a “narcotank,” a regular vehicle that has been pimped out to protect drugs and drug cartel. Soldiers were disappointed to find out it cannot actually be smoked.

A cloud of Icelandic Ash has reemerged in Europe, causing airlines to cancel thousands of flights for the same reason in less than one year. In even more shocking news, many Americans actually knew what Iceland was this time around.

A 72-year-old man in Palm City saved his dog from an alligator by wrestling with the 7-foot-long creature when his small dog was attacked, proving once again that nobody will ever be as intimidating as an old person who feels like you’re taking something they have a right to away from them.

Former President Bush was nearly hit by a foul ball at a White Sox-Rangers game this weekend while sitting in the owner’s box. The ball has been taken into custody for questioning and the batter has been deported.

Republican Tim Pawlenty formally announced his run for President this week. And, just like his persona, the announcement was forgettable and unexciting. 

The US Supreme Court ordered a massive inmate release in order to relieve overcrowded California prisons. Unemployed California residents are looking forward to suddenly becoming much more appealing to their potential employers than their competition.

May 25, 2011

In a new report out today, members of the House of Representatives on both sides of the aisle handed out bonuses to their staff despite a looming economic crisis last year. Staff members have responded in saying, “Do you know what it’s like working for these assholes? You’d demand that bonus, too.” 

A 30-year-old man was arrested last night in Burbank after he allegedly pointed a laser pointer at a police helicopter as it was landing at the Bob Hope Airport. In other news, the city of Burbank is looking to implement anti-boredom programs for its struggling residents.

The former husband of the Schwartzenegger staffer who had an affair and love child with the Governator issued a statement saying he was “very, very angry” about the paternity of the child. The man, who looked up to Arnold as a hero, said “If anyone was going to have a child with this man, it should have been me.”

During a state visit to London, President Obama signed a note dating it May 24, 2008. He apologized for the gaffe, claiming that everyone was so nice to him it reminded him of a time when people still liked him. And began crying.

Steeler’s player Hines Ward won Dancing With The Stars. Ward has promised to bring the lessons of the show back to Pittsburg by implementing the brand new “Totally Glittery Terrible Towel.”

After claiming he’s a man who lives a “very frugal” life, it was revealed this week that Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich has a $500,000 revolving credit line at Tiffany & Co. When confronted on the issue, Gingrich claimed his personal life isn’t anyone’s business. Which has always very much been the mantra of the Republican party and possible elected officials.

May 27, 2011

In hopes of reviving ratings and interest in the sport, the Badmiton Federation has imposed a new dress code for women that many are calling “sexist” because it requires women at the elite level to wear skirts or dresses. Officials have said if this doesn’t work, their next step is to stop playing freaking badmiton.

The Bulls lost last night to the Miami Heat, allowing the Heat to advance to the Finals and reminding half of Chicago that they now have to once again pretend to care about the Cubs.

July 12, 2011

Starbucks has added its biggest size ever to their drink menu, the 31 oz Trenta, which clearly made the fat chick in front of me feel a lot better about only getting a Venti Frappuccino.

Starbucks has added its biggest size ever to their drink menu, the 31 oz Trenta. Female Starbucks employees everywhere are applauding the new size, which makes it extremely obvious which male customers are overcompensating.

Starbucks has added its biggest size ever to their drink menu, the 31 oz Trenta. The new drink is proving popular across the nation and Starbucks representatives are already working on an even larger size, tentatively named Fahtass.

Starbucks has added its biggest size ever to their drink menu, the 31 oz Trenta. Or as Chuck Norris calls it, a thimble.

LinkedIn surpassed MySpace this week as the second most popular online social network on the web. Which for many people was surprising, since nobody knew MySpace was even still around.

The United Nations declared July 11 World Population Day, hoping to increase awareness of family planning- among other issues. My mother made the most of this opportunity by reminding me that I was a mistake.

This week a woman in Southern California was accused of cutting off her husbands penis and throwing it in the garbage disposal. The woman claimed that she was simply cleaning the home and wanted to get rid of all the items she hadn’t used in years.

Shaquille O’Neal has signed a multiyear deal with Turner Sports to become an analyst on its NBA coverage. The contract specifically outlines, however, that O’Neal must deliver all pre-game predictions dressed as his genie self from Kazaam. 

The final Harry Potter movie came out yesterday. I’m sad to see the storyline end, but happy that I have a few more months of trying to pick up women by saying “Hey baby. Wanna go see the new Harry Potter and check out a powerful, magic wand?”

July 22, 2011

During his testimony for the News Corp phone hacking scandal, a man attacked Rupert Murdoch with a dish of white foam. The man was confused when authorities stopped him, claiming he was a Starbucks worker who Murdoch had asked for extra foam from earlier.

This week has been unbearably hot here in Chicago, with temperatures reaching the upper 90s and over 100 degrees several days in a row. Most people mind the heat. I’m enjoying the compliments from people all over telling me, for the first time, that I look hot.

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation announced this week it would fun $41.5 million worth in grants to re-engineer the design of the toilet. The wealthy couple explained that it was in desperate need of re-engineering since their own toilet kept getting clogged by the hundred dollar bills they flush down it on a regular basis.

Michael Vick visited Capitol Hill Tuesday to support legislation that would criminalize participants in and spectators of animal fighting. Vick, who was a one time participant in animal fighting, has since turned into an activist for the cause. During the visit, however, he admit to get a huge amount of enjoyment from watching bitter Republicans and angry Democrats growl and bite at each other in small circles surrounded by their aides.

DMX, who was just released from jail, said he’d be spending time with his daughter and working on a new album. In talking about the creation of his new album, his manager said “It’s time to let the dog out of the kennel.” Unfortunately, both DMX and his manager have been out of the music scene for so long, they don’t realize that somebody has already let the dogs out. Though we have yet to figure out who. Who. who.

The space shuttle Atlantis landed on Thursday and marked the end of 135 years of NASA’s shuttle program. Though many are saddened by the end of the space era, people living in Houston, Texas, say their relieved to not have to listen to all their friends problems anymore. 

On Saturday, Chicago is hosting the US Air Guitar National Finals. It will simultaneously be the second largest convention of adult male virgins in the United States, behind- of course- the Comic-Con in San Diego this weekend. 

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