Jokes from the Week of November 10, 2011

Kim Kardashian is working with Tyler Perry on his latest film “The Marriage Counselor,” just a few weeks after her divorce from her husband of 72 days Kris Humphries. Though many think the reality star will not transition easily into traditional acting, most sources close Kim confirm the has an excellent ability to act like she’s in love. So as long as her role involves courtship for attention, she’ll nail it.

The United States military is supposedly in talks with Kim Kardashian as a possible consultant on how to get out of serious commitments in record time.

Presidential contender and current Texas Governer Rick Perry had an embarassing public brain freeze during the Republican debate on Wednesday. Most onlookers weren’t upset by the gaff. In fact, the majority of the public was shocked to learn any of the candidates had brains in the first place.

I don’t like zombies and I don’t like politicians. But if I were a zombie, I would really hate politicians because they would literally provide no value for me.

Fitness Boot Camps have become really popular, now that the don’t ask don’t tell policy has been revoked. You can now stare angrily and jealously at your same-sex fitness buddy without any worry of getting kicked out of the class.

A revolutionary cancer drug is shown to cause rapid weight loss and improved metabolic function in its subjects. So, in order to cure the obesity epidemic, everybody get cancer quick!

Denmark implemented a so-called “fat tax” where they tax certain foods more depending on the percentage of saturated fat in the food. This is a surprising move from the country who’s most famous export is the Danish.

A health and safety agency is warning consumers that those little sets of strong building mini-magnets often given as gifts can be potentially fatal to children if swallowed. In an unrelated story, malt ball companies are looking to spruce up holiday sales of their candies by decorating them in metallic, silvery, winter colors.

Mariah Carey announced today that her twins have started eating solid foods. The beaming entertainer turned mom added, “The next step in their development is learning to count calories.”

Ashton Kutcher is giving up management of his Twitter feed after some controversy. Though many fans are upset by the move, Kutcher’s wife Demi Moore is said to be most upset since she will no longer be able to communicate directly to her husband.

A pregnant Jessica Simpson says she loves being pregnant and is already planning for more children. Most women agree that her mind will change after the actual act of childbirth.

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