This year has been a roller coaster for me and many of my very close girlfriends in the world of romance. In an effort to add a small sliver of advice for women about my own experience in finding “Mr. Right,” I give you yet another list of things to think about in your search. Enjoy.
1. He makes you feel bad at any point before, during, or after your first date.
It doesn’t get any better than the first 24 hours before and after meeting someone. If you felt even a little bad then, it’s only gonna get worse.
Drop him like it’s hooooooooot.
2. He seems like a loser.
That’s because he probably is.
Find a winner.
3. He’s boring.
What would you rather do, hang out with a boring dude that makes you want to stick icicles in your eyes to prove you can still feel or watch Netflix by yourself in your sweats? Netflix every time, baby.
Grab the ice cream, cheap beer and your fat pants. You’re about to have the happiest night of your life.
4. You think you’re better than him.
That’s because you probably are. You should respect your significant other as an equal. If he doesn’t earn that respect, get rid of him.
Sorry. No time to date you. Too busy being way more awesome than you.
5. He thinks he’s better than you.
Gross. He’s gonna act like he’s doing you a favor by dating you. Do yourself a favor and dump his ass.
I can’t go out tonight or ever again. I’m too busy doing anything else.
6. Your friends unanimously agree he’s not good enough for you.
That’s because he’s not. Your friends love you and want you to be happy. They’ve seen you at your highest and your lowest. They were there before this guy, they’ll be there after this guy. If they don’t like him, it’s for a very good reason.
Neeeeeeeeeeeeext.
7. He’s shitty to the other women in his life.
He talks poorly to his momma? He’s condescending to his sister? And… you think he’s gonna be nice to you? Yeah. Right. Good luck with that.
If this were Tinder, I would swipe you to the left in a heartbeat.
8. He doesn’t have his shit together.
You can’t fix that. Don’t fall in love with the potential. You’ll waste your time and energy wanting him to be better and he’ll resent you for wanting him to change. Let him go and get it together. If he’s lucky, he can do it and you may consider giving it another shot. More likely, you let him go and three weeks later meet someone who has his shit together who’s absolutely awesome in every way. And shitless guy misses out. And that’s life.
I’d rather have a guy who thinks his shit doesn’t stink than a guy who doesn’t even know where his shit is.
9. You argue all the time.
That’s probably because you don’t have anything worthwhile to actually communicate about. Likely because of #3 above. No matter what the reason, find someone who enjoys much more pleasant activities than arguing.
That’s an A and B relationship so you should C your way out of it.
10. He talks about himself nonstop.
You’re not that great. Stop. Tell me about your projects and your passions and your ideas. And then ask me about mine. And then let’s both shut up. Deal? Deal.
Blah blah blah I’m bored bored bored.
11. He doesn’t introduce you to his friends.
That’s because he either doesn’t have any or he’s trying to hide you for some reason. If you’ve been dating for a long time and you’re never invited when he’s hanging out with his friends casually, move on. He’s a jerk who’s hiding something. Find someone who will be proud and excited to show you off.
This one hits a little too close to home for me to have a hilarious quip.
12. He’s passive aggressive.
Here’s the only time I will ever put up with passive aggression: When my husband has had a long and stressful day earning money to help support our beautiful family and he’s exhausted and stressed and I, unknowingly, push a button that makes him accidentally snap at me passive aggressively. I will bite my tongue and let it slide. But we will discuss later when he’s feeling better. And we will both apologize. And that’s it. Otherwise, just tell me how you feel. Don’t beat around the bush, manipulate, or belittle me.
Plenty of fish in the sea who won’t be passively fishy to you.
13. He says he isn’t good enough for you.
That’s because he’s not.
Find someone who is.
Briana Hansen 
I stumbled upon your webpage from your indiegogo. Good luck with your web series. I think lists like these cause more harm than good, because it gets women to look for the perfect guy, which doesn’t really exist. And the ones that are close to perfect are already dating, married or are looking for the perfect female. Trying to find someone who hits all the checkpoints is why so many people are single in LA. The guys all think they can date models who are down to earth and low maintenance. The women think they can find a strong, caring, man who is fun to be around and makes at least 60k a year. Something has to give and at the end of the day if someone finds they are single for far too long, it’s probably because their expectations are way too high for who they are. The whole “you’re better than him” stuff is pretty superficial. Better to be honest and write “should have lots of money to support my expectations in life.” When you judge someone on these superficial checkpoints, you’re more likely to get a superficial person. One of my guy friends won’t date women with saggy boobs, that seems as bad to me as having at least five things on this list being about “how good enough” he is. These lists are about inflating insecure egos because it takes any focus and blame off of you and puts it onto the guy, who then becomes an all encompassing representative of what is wrong in men. Here’s a good, more productive game. Pretend you are a guy. Be realistic and take 5 qualities you think a man would want. On a scale of 1-10 rate yourself or have your friends if you are bold, rate you on this qualities. Pick those 5 qualities for a man you would like to date. Try to get those numbers to match up. A matching number would be “dating in your league.” With this method someone could be weak in one area of their life and be strong in another and still be a good match, regardless of what anyone would say.
Thanks for your thoughts Bruce and for checking out my page! I hope you noticed from my indiegogo and the rest of my posts and projects and videos and shows and writing that my style and approach are comedy-based. I don’t write things as fact- I write them for entertainment. Because I’m a comedian and entertainer. Not a relationship counselor.
You’re right about creating unfair expectations- but I think it’s also unfair to assume that my actual life view and approach to relationships could be found on a joke-based 13 point list I wrote as entertainment for myself many of my friends who were going through lots of relationship issues.
This post made many of my friends laugh- which was its purpose. It did not make any of them break up with a great guy they were dating because he wasn’t “perfect.”
I have no idea where or how you got that money issue thing from my article. I don’t give a shit about what a man makes and in no way evaluate them or any person based on their income. So, how you got there boggles my mind. My best guess is that it’s some other projection from your own relationship experiences that came out in your interpretation of my comedic jokey blog post. I’m sorry you’ve encountered those issues. Apparently it’s caused some serious baggage.
I also think it’s sad that anyone would read this and take it for gospel truth since it’s just a list on a blog on the internet. Here’s a good, more productive game: Take what’s written in the context of what it’s written around. That way, something that is meant for fun entertainment can be taken lightly and understood not as relationship dogma, but as one person’s attempt to create an entertaining, comedic blog post about relationships.
And for whatever it’s worth, I don’t have issues finding and dating plenty of wonderful men with great qualities. As the prophet Fergie Ferg once said, “A girl like me don’t stay single for long.”