Trust Issues

I’ve been having trust issues with myself lately. Usually, you have them with other people. But I’ve been generally good with other people and newly untrusting of myself. Like many personal issues, it didn’t happen overnight. It happened in small little steps. And now that I’m aware of it, I’m trying to make it right. But, as is what happens when trust is shattered, it takes time to rebuild.

Maybe this sounds familiar to you. Maybe you, too, have set lofty goals or made certain diet or exercise promises to yourself. You do whatever prep work it takes to make sure that you can achieve that goal. And then when the time comes to actually do it, something happens. You flake on yourself.

Or maybe you have every intention of showing up to a place where you said you’d be. You make plans, you pick the outfit, you assure other people you’ll be there. But when the time comes, again you stop yourself. You find an excuse to stay home or do something else – something more “productive.”

You set aside time that will definitely be used for that big project you keep wanting to work on. But when the time comes up, you waste it checking one last notification which leads to one quick search which leads to one more question which leads to you blowing all the time you had.

It happens quickly and with small – not big – decisions. 

In some ways, I am trustworthy. I certainly try to be honest and authentic as much as I can. But I’ve found that I’ve lately been more trustworthy with other people than with myself. I keep making and breaking promises with myself. I’m like the guilty parent who says they’ll do bigger and better next time, but can’t even seem to show up once despite all the promises.

Part of the problem is that I’m making too many promises. And that comes from having too many focuses that are all over the place. I keep promising all sorts of elements of myself that I’ll be totally dedicated to them. And I’m not.

I also am very ambitious and have lofty goals. So I know those goals require big dreams and huge chunks of energy and attention. Rather than focusing on exactly what I can do to better myself and only promising myself to do that one thing (or maybe those couple things), I promise myself I’m going to do all the things almost every day.

And when I inevitably can’t live up to the lofty promises I made for myself, I feel like I haven’t done anything. I completely overlook the thingsI have done. And I make myself a promise that I’ll do better. But if you’ve ever been promised something by someone who didn’t follow through before, there’s a visceral reaction when that person makes a future promise. You don’t believe them. You’ve built up trust issues.

I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like promising myself I’ll do certain things and not following through on all of them, so I completely overlook and fail to recognize the accomplishments I do make. I know it’s not a healthy headspace. But I’ve made and broken so many little promises with myself, it’s hard to reset.

Hard…but not impossible. Every time I say I’m going to get up early and I do, I rebuild trust with myself. Every time I make plans to go to yoga and I follow through, I’m building trust with myself. Every week when I promise myself (and you) that there will be a blog here for your perusal, I’m building trust with myself.

The key is to stop overextending and promising myself things I don’t actually have the capability to do. That way, I can recognize and enjoy the accomplishments I do achieve. And I have more energy and focus to achieve more. I like challenges, but I hate broken promises. So I’ve got to find that balance.

Maybe you know what I’m talking about, too.

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Femoir the Podcast – Season 3, Episode 108: Control

Hi friends,

This episode I discuss my travels, how an airline made me lose my last shred of patience, and how I was reminded of the very good lesson that I am not in control.

I talk about waiting around, exhausting yourself, and how you can’t always get what you want – but now matter what you get, you can make it what you need.

Subscribing and rating helps the show, but listening keeps it going.

Taking Up Space

At the end of a good yoga session  – wait have I ever mentioned before on this blog that I like yoga? I can’t remember…

Anyway, I like yoga. Just a reminder.

At the end of a good yoga session, the final pose is always savasana. It means “corpse pose” or “resting pose” and is basically supposed to symbolize being reborn after a good yoga session. Recently, in a rare class where we had a lot of space, my teacher encouraged us to spread out and take up as much space as possible.

I realized that I tend to go out of my way not to take up too much space. I tend to always be thinking that I’m in the way. Or at least I grew up with that mindset. I was supposed to make sure other people weren’t inconvenienced by me somehow. Make sure to always look out for them and their needs first. Make sure that I’m always looking out for them even if it means I can’t get comfortable myself.

There’s a lot of good in looking out for other people. I’m not criticizing that in itself. Part of the reason our breed of human beings survived is because we’re very good at looking out for each other.

But left unchecked, it created an unhealthy attitude about my own self worth. I’ve literally apologized to people who weren’t paying attention and ran into me at a grocery store with their cart even though they weren’t paying attention and I was the one hurt. In my instinct, I did something wrong just by being there. That is taking this idea to the extreme. It seeps into many aspects of my life and psyche. And it is not healthy.

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This small reminder in yoga class to “take up space” brought that to light even more.

Once I became aware of the mindset and how it was affecting me, I was able to start keeping it in check. I’m not saying I go around to everyone now elbowing my way through life. But I have begun embracing and recognizing that I have every much a right to be in a space and take up space as anyone else. We have to all look out for each other – but it’s not my job to make sure other people are doing that. It’s my job to do my best and to enjoy taking up space.

The universe is huge and we are tiny little specs here for just a moment of its lifetime, so we might as well breathe into (and grow into) as much of it as possible while we’ve got the chance.

Since I’ve embraced taking up space, I also realize that it means I can draw attention to myself. Not because I need attention per say, but because it’s okay to do my own thing and just be me, even if other people aren’t doing the same thing. I don’t need to just occupy as little space as possible in well worn paths. I can do my own thing and take up plenty of space while doing so.

Luckily for me, living in Los Angeles means that there’s a lot of opportunity to practice owning my own space. Even my favorite yoga studio is insanely crowded any given day. Every class is a great chance to both embrace the idea that I can be thoughtful for others (who might need me to move my mat so they can squeeze in) and also okay with taking up my own space without feeling like I need to squeeze in a corner so everyone else can have plenty of room.

It’s a balance and a challenge. It’s a balance challenge. Like a handstand. OMG we brought it back to yoga!

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(Well done, Briana. Thank you, Briana. You’re ok, Briana. Are you ok, Briana? Unclear, Briana. Let’s move on, Briana. Sounds good, Briana. Never talk about this to anyone, Briana? Agreed, Briana.)

Femoir the Podcast – Season 3, Episode 107: Momentum

Hi friends,

This episode is all about momentum. Getting it. Keeping it. Why it’s necessary. How to harness it. And how it can be intimidating.

Clyde makes cameo noises again, like the cutie he is.

We discuss trains leaving stations, how momentum builds, how new demons show up, Resistance (my favorite), and how there’s always something in the proverbial box (not like this box, a much sweeter more imaginative and less gross box).

Plus, there’s some talk about improvisation and dating…two activities that are both super fun on their own that become significantly less fun when you overlap. Take it from me (and my mistakes).

Subscribing and rating help the show get momentum (what we’re talking about!). But listening keeps it going, so thank you, as always.

 

The Myth of the Life-Changing Moment

We have the pervasive story in our culture that is not only inaccurate, it’s destructive. We have this idea that in one given moment, everything can change. I get why we say it. And I get that there’s some truth behind it. But I’d like to at least challenge it because I think it’s unhealthy.

There’s a story about how the cast of Friends went out for drinks just before they began filming the show. The producers of the show told the whole crew that their lives would soon change. They were right. For many people, that’d be considered the life-changing moment.

In A Star is Born, Lady Gaga’s character (who cares WTF her name is in the movie itself, it’s Lady Gaga’s character) has a life-changing moment when she goes out on stage with Bradley Cooper’s character (again, I’m not going to take the time to look it up…okay I just remembered it was Jackson Maine but whatever, I’m sticking with Bradley Cooper’s character). He encourages her to sing her heart out. She does. She becomes a viral sensation and soon a superstar. All thanks to that life-changing moment.

But I believe that’s thinking of time as far too linear. There are a million small moments, opportunities, and choices that are made before that “life-changing moment” that made it possible in the first place. 

To take apart my own examples (which is why I used them in the first place), the cast of Friends didn’t have one night that everything changed. You could back up to the moment they auditioned for the show was a life-changing moment. Before that, the moment they got whatever representation that got them in the door of the audition was a life-changing moment. The day the decided to do the showcase or class or performance that got them noticed by that representation was a life-changing moment. The day they committed to becoming an actor was a life-changing moment. That time they had an intense rejection and considered quitting but didn’t is a life-changing moment. It could go on and on…

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Same with the character in A Star is Born. The day she sang was as much of a life-changing moment as the day she wrote the lyrics that Bradley Cooper’s character became enraptured by. The day she first started singing at the bar he met her at. The day she first started waitressing at the bar she’d eventually sing at. The day she met the friend who ushered Bradley Cooper into the bar and got him a drink so he’d watch her. The day she learned she liked to sing. These are all life-changing moments.

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The reason I find the myth of the life-changing moment so destructive is because I think it makes us spend our whole lives anxiously anticipating some big magic moment that really never comes because life is full of little magic moments happening constantly.

Sure, there are bigger opportunities that can exacerbate changes more dramatically – no denying that. But for the most part, those opportunities only come along because of a series of tiny decisions you make beforehand. And you’re only able to see and capture them because of the same series of tiny decisions you made up to that point.

We can never know where the magic will lead. So don’t miss out on the joy and excitement of the small miracles in hopes seeing a major one. The major one might feel even more joyous if you’ve recognized the small ones along the way.

Femoir the Podcast – Season 3, Episode 106: Trust Fall

I think one of the hardest parts about making changes is making space for them. I know that I am (very) guilty of not ever wanting to give anything up.

…Then I get overwhelmed, frustrated, and exhausted and go back to the same patterns I did before and, pretty soon, wonder why nothing every changes.

Hello again, friends.

I think one of the hardest parts about making changes is making space for them. I know that I am (very) guilty of not ever wanting to give anything up. Thanks to a lot of work, I’ve learned to be less of a hoarder of physical things. But when it comes to emotional patterns or routines that I’ve become comfortable in, I very much like to keep as much of everything as possible and just add on rather than taking way. I’m always convincing myself that I can make changes by just willing them into place and forcing myself to take on too much.

Then I get overwhelmed, frustrated, and exhausted and go back to the same patterns I did before and, pretty soon, wonder why nothing every changes.

We have to learn to let go. We have to learn to trust our gut when it’s asking us to let something go. We have to learn that, like in any trust fall, there’s a moment between being balanced and being caught that feels terrifying. But we have to trust that there’s something catching us after that free fall moment.

That’s what this episode is all about.

I discuss trust falls, leadership building, and how I gave up two things that were both very precious to me in order to make space for new adventures.

I also talk about relationship break ups, choosing happiness, and trusting yourself.

Plus, little Clydie makes audible cameos while chewing stuff and it’s pretty adorable, if I do say so myself.

Subscribing and rating helps the show grow. Listening keeps it going.

Thank you friends!

The Gifts of the Random Soccer Match

I was walking back from yoga not long ago by a busy bus stop outside a pretty big apartment complex in my neighborhood when I saw a dude “dribbling” a soccer ball by himself. I put dribbling in quotes not because it’s the wrong word, but because I’m not a soccer expert at all. So while I think he was dribbling, there might be some soccer term that’s more accurate for just playing around with the ball.

Or maybe it’s just that – playing around with the ball?

Ah, it doesn’t matter. I digress.

I sort of looked over at him playing and, I guess in doing so, I accidentally invited an interaction with him.

Now, you’ve got to understand. I actually really like talking to and connecting with people. I’ve done it for years and find that connecting with humans is part of what we were put on this earth to do. Much of my goal in comedy and entertainment is for all of us to know and recognize our common shared humanity rather than constantly point out our differences.

Now, please also understand I live in a big city and have lived in big cities for over a decade. I am accustomed now-a-days to looking down or walking defensively. I still smile. I am still friendly and welcoming. But, out of survival instinct, I tend to prefer to simply walk by people unnoticed than smile constantly and risk someone taking it the wrong way and deciding I’m their new best friend and/or someone they’re going to follow home and/or someone they need to objectify and/or ask out immediately.

I like to call it soft eyes. I keep soft eyes and a soft smile but I hardened exterior for my own safety. Once everyone in the world has control over their own body parts and their own ideas of what they deserve from a stranger, we can all go back to connecting constantly. Until then, soft eyes, hardened exterior for me.

In looking up for this moment, this man must have caught glimpse of my soft eyes (and probably a smile from yoga…god I love it) and decided to pounce. Often, this is the last thing I want. In this case, it was pretty fun.

I saw him smile and say to me “One touch.” I smiled back and said “Nooooo” but, like, playfully with a big smile. It was too late anyway, he already had my friendly number and had lightly kicked his soccer ball my way. I kicked it back and he kicked it back to me. I said “I’m no good at this” and he said, “Nonsense, you’re great!” I kept watching and he didn’t kick it back to me but instead said simply “Thank you for playing!”

I walked away smiling (grateful that dude didn’t objectify, hit on me, ask me out, yell at me for existing, or follow me home…all of which have happened and are part of the reason I keep my eyes glued to the road when walking alone).

That random soccer player gave me three gifts without even knowing it.

First of all, he gave me the gift of whimsy. What’s the point in kicking the ball to stranger? There is none and I love it for that.

Secondly, he gave me the gift of connection. This is one of my favorite things in the world (see above) and by simply playing along for a moment, I got to connect with another human that I’ve never met before or since and be reminded that our shared human experience has way more in common with random strangers than different.

But finally, he gave me a gift of some self awareness. This one is way less obvious than the others, but it was the first thing on my mind and the only thing I could think about. Really, it’s what makes this story particularly interesting to me. Without it, this is just another story of a goofy stranger interaction.

When he wanted to kick the ball to me, I immediately lost my confidence. I immediately went into Adorable Dope mode, a role I’ve grown comfortable with over the years who I’ve recently started banishing from my repertoire. I said “I’m no good at this,” to a random stranger who just wanted me to kick a ball. I’ve never been excellent at soccer (it was too hard when I was younger, I didn’t like all the running so I didn’t keep up at it). So my self consciousness rears its head high when I don’t have some basic skills in something.

But how silly is that? We weren’t playing a soccer match. We weren’t picking teams. He wasn’t asking me to bend it like Beckham. He just wanted me to kick a ball in his general direction. A toddler could do it. They do it all the time.

So why, then, did Adorable Dope pop up? Why was I immediately hard on myself and less interested in playing with this guy? This is not me bashing myself further for it, it’s just being curious about it.

I was out of my comfort zone. I was interacting with someone and I, as we naturally do, wanted to please him and for him to like me. I wanted to be worthy of this moment – and that’s an absolutely crazy thing because we are all born worthy and don’t need to ever do anything to prove our worthiness. But we’re taught, groomed, and encouraged to prove our worth to others by being the best selves always. We can’t just be, we have to be awesome (#liveyourbestlife amiright?).

In that moment, out of my comfort zone, interacting with a stranger, I let Adorable Dope take over. It should be said that Adorable Dope doesn’t have a lot of confidence. She proves her worth by being, well, adorable. She’s got a great (heavily self-deprecating) sense of humor and there’s almost nothing you can say to her that she won’t have a playful or quippy way of undercutting herself.

Example: A lady on an airplane recently said to me “You have a beautiful smile.” I said thank you, then Adorable Dope took the wheel after a moment and said, “I’ve paid enough for it, I’d sure hope so.” I couldn’t let it just be a compliment. I wasn’t worthy of having a good smile without the help of dentists. I had to undercut it.

Don’t get me wrong. I love jokes. And I enjoy not taking myself all that seriously. But over the years, I’ve found that if I insult me before you insult me, I feel more powerful when really I’m covering up my own vulnerability. I won’t let myself go wholeheartedly into something because what if I’m not good enough at it? What if I care and I fail? And what if I just play a little soccer with that dude and enjoy it without insisting I shouldn’t because I can’t kick a ball?

The point is, that man gave me the gift of understanding I still have work to do on myself. I’ve been doing a lot of work over the years (especially lately). And I’m ok with being my own life-long project. But confidence and worthiness are foundational changes. They’re major shifts that, even when I think I’ve rebuilt my own personality house to my liking, a little quake like this interaction reminds me that it’s not quite as sturdy as I thought.

Man, I shouldn’t have used the quake metaphor. I live in LA and earthquakes are terrifying.

CAN WE ALL PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT EARTHQUAKES NOW?

Needless to say, next time a guy kicks a random soccer ball at me, I’ll hopefully be a little more willing to just play along, risk being bad at it and looking like a fool, and simply enjoy myself.

Unless he kicks it aggressively and at my face or something like that. Then I will throw down my yoga mat and warrior three the crap out of him (that means wishing him love and peace while working on my own balance…I think, I don’t know I just made it up right now).

Femoir the Podcast – Season 3, Episode 105: Doing What’s Good For Us

Hello again friends,

In this episode, we explore why it is we never want to do what we know will make us feel good. Why do we choose something else even when we know it’s a choice that won’t bring us the most happiness? What’s up with these small, seemingly innocent decisions that lead us down a path that doesn’t help at all.

We talk Mi’s Westside Comedy Theater (and Mission IMPROVable).

We talk Netflix & Chilling.

I give a quick shout out to the hubs.

We discuss Resistance (my fave), Steven Pressfield, and slaying the dragon.

Of course I mention yoga.

And we talk about the small lies we tell ourselves and how getting down looks different on everyone.

Oh, and my sweet little Clydie makes some auditory cameos.

Subscribing and liking helps the show, but listening keeps it going 🙂

Enjoy!

When It Rains (in LA), It Pours

This feels like a particularly timely post on many levels. Not only because Los Angeles has been under a deluge of water for months (so much water!), but also because I have been particularly overwhelmed at times in my own world.

I’m not going to go into details about all the happenings. Mostly because they’re not important. I have perspective on them. I understand that there are worse things that could be happening but also that there are better. But I’m also not going to go into details because the truth is, if you feel overwhelmed it’s ok to feel overwhelmed no matter what the circumstances may be.

Your feelings are valid. They come up as lessons and you can learn and grow from them.

Anyhoo, let’s talk about the pouring rain.

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What really got me recently that was particularly frustrating is that there were many things that normally act fine that all began to act up. And these were on a few different fronts. They reminded me, too, that there are other elements of my external world that I’m not particularly proud of yet or things I feel like I’m missing from the execution of and manifestation of my own dreams. And these factors were glaring right in my face, reminding me that these small things are still things that can get me totally off kilter and force to me to look in a mirror and, likely, see something I know still needs improvement.

If they had all happened separately, they would have been an inconvenience. Because they happened at the same time, they were overwhelming.

It’s one thing to go out for a walk in a light rain. That feels manageable. But when the skies open and the rain feels like it’s coming up from the ground and there are unavoidable puddles on every corner, that’s when you need to actually take action to attempt to do something about it.

And, like the rain, there’s only so much you can do. You put on the right gear, you stay smart, and you hope for the best.

The nice part about a deluge is, unlike a sprinkle, you have to confront it. You have to accept that it’s happening and take measures in response to it. I am particularly guilty of doing just enough to keep myself on course without being too inconvenienced by small issues around me. But when there are a ton of small issues that, when put together, make it impossible to actually do some of the basics I want to do, that’s when I have to put everything on pause and deal with them. And as obnoxious as it can feel at times, at least it forces me to do something about it instead of just pretend it’s not happening.

In that way, I’m grateful for the downpour. It’s a reminder that if and when you need to make life changes – even if they’re small – they’re better to confront quickly when they come to the surface rather than ignore them because they’re not a major issue yet.

The other nice part about the rains that it’s temporary. Deluge or not, it doesn’t last. There are repercussions to the rain (both physically and metaphorically). But it doesn’t last. So when it’s coming at you, you can just brace for impact and wait it out. Figure out what you have to do to keep yourself as dry and warm as possible (and it’s not always possible), then learn from the experience, do what you have to do, and move on.

I feel like I flipped between metaphor and pragmatic pretty ineffectively this post. I could go back in and figure it out, but my head is a rain shower at the moment so I’d rather let this be art and let it mean whatever it might mean to you without overthinking it, and move on.

Femoir the Podcast – Season 3, Episode 104: The Marathon

Hello again faithful friends!

Another Friday, another episode of Femoir the Podcast. This time we’re running with the theme of a marathon, inspired by the LA Marathon (ALL PUNS INTENDED).

I discuss auditions for a comedy show I’m part of, talk about general marathon training (mostly metaphorically), and when we face rejection we have to try, try again.

It’s a short and sweet episode, as these show notes reflect.

Subscribing and rating the show helps, but listening keeps me inspired to keep a’going so thank you!

Enjoy!