Jokes from the Week of November 10, 2011

Kim Kardashian is working with Tyler Perry on his latest film “The Marriage Counselor,” just a few weeks after her divorce from her husband of 72 days Kris Humphries. Though many think the reality star will not transition easily into traditional acting, most sources close Kim confirm the has an excellent ability to act like she’s in love. So as long as her role involves courtship for attention, she’ll nail it.

The United States military is supposedly in talks with Kim Kardashian as a possible consultant on how to get out of serious commitments in record time.

Presidential contender and current Texas Governer Rick Perry had an embarassing public brain freeze during the Republican debate on Wednesday. Most onlookers weren’t upset by the gaff. In fact, the majority of the public was shocked to learn any of the candidates had brains in the first place.

I don’t like zombies and I don’t like politicians. But if I were a zombie, I would really hate politicians because they would literally provide no value for me.

Fitness Boot Camps have become really popular, now that the don’t ask don’t tell policy has been revoked. You can now stare angrily and jealously at your same-sex fitness buddy without any worry of getting kicked out of the class.

A revolutionary cancer drug is shown to cause rapid weight loss and improved metabolic function in its subjects. So, in order to cure the obesity epidemic, everybody get cancer quick!

Denmark implemented a so-called “fat tax” where they tax certain foods more depending on the percentage of saturated fat in the food. This is a surprising move from the country who’s most famous export is the Danish.

A health and safety agency is warning consumers that those little sets of strong building mini-magnets often given as gifts can be potentially fatal to children if swallowed. In an unrelated story, malt ball companies are looking to spruce up holiday sales of their candies by decorating them in metallic, silvery, winter colors.

Mariah Carey announced today that her twins have started eating solid foods. The beaming entertainer turned mom added, “The next step in their development is learning to count calories.”

Ashton Kutcher is giving up management of his Twitter feed after some controversy. Though many fans are upset by the move, Kutcher’s wife Demi Moore is said to be most upset since she will no longer be able to communicate directly to her husband.

A pregnant Jessica Simpson says she loves being pregnant and is already planning for more children. Most women agree that her mind will change after the actual act of childbirth.

August 1- August 5 Headlines Jokes!


Congress has finally reached a deal to raise the debt ceiling and avoid the US defaulting- for the first time in history- on it’s national loans. Republicans and Democrats were proud to tell their young constituents everywhere they they, too, were able to “raise the roof.”

In a recent British poll, Helen Mirren won the Body of the Year, beating out significantly younger competitors, including Jennifer Lopez. Mirren, who is in her mid-60s, is proud to finally bring some competition against Betty White for GILF of the Year Award.

A Florida Judge ordered Casey Anthony to return to Orlando to serve a year of probation from a previous check fraud conviction. Anthony is expected to spend a lot of time at Disneyworld…because it’s the happiest place on earth.

A church in Stockton, CA is offering Drive-Thru Prayers for people too busy to take a few moments and pray themselves. All heathens are guaranteed a free side of judgement.

A latex Casey Anthony mask sold on EBay for almost $1M this weekend. The mask is reportedly thought to have been purchased by Anthony herself, since she has only recently learned that a little bit of latex can keep away a lot of trouble.

A man in Vestial, NY caught a snapshot of what he claims is a UFO that he and at least 10 other people saw in their small town. When he told federal authorities about the sighting, they responded “What the hell is a Vestial, NY?”

A Texas man has invented a contraption that can make water out of air. Unfortunately for the man, his neighbors are convinced he’s the devil and have shunned him from all Bible studies in his local town.

PBS is revisiting the classic show “Mr. Rogers Neighborhood” with a new animated program hosted by a tiny cartoon tiger. The tiger will be changing the greeting from the original “Hi, neighbor” to a more accurate, “Hi, breakfast.”

Ashton Kutcher’s character on Two and a Half Men will be named Walden Schmidt, according to a CBS executive. Which, ironically, happens to be the name of Charlie Sheen’s left testicle.

A new Chinese study suggests that chewing your food more could make you feel more satisfied. Which finally answers the important, constant, age-old question of why Cookie Monster never seems satisfied.

A new Chinese study suggests that chewing your food more could make you feel more satisfied. So, you hear that third world civilians? It’s your own damn fault your hungry. You should be chewing your rations for longer and stop complaining about not being satisfied.

Anheuser-Busch unveiled a new design for its Budweiser beer, which will be available to the US this summer. Despite the new exciting design, the beer inside still tastes like the same crap.

Ukraine’s government has vowed to free all bears that are used for entertainment and often forced to drink alcohol. In a related story, Ukranian women everywhere are upset to be constantly mistaken for drunken bears at bars, and have recently taken up more facial and body waxing.

Facebook is now allowing parents-to-be to create personal profiles for their unborn children. Pedophiles everywhere are gearing up for some busy months ahead.

Facebook is now allowing parents-to-be to create personal profiles for their unborn children.