Vegas Britney Motivation

I’m headed out of town with some girlfriends. We’re going to Vegas. And we’re gonna see Britneybritney vegas Spears perform there. And I’m stoked. Like, totally stoked maaaaaan.

For the past couple weeks I’ve let her be my motivation. Girl looks good. And she’s had two babies and some messed up stuff happen to her. But she stays in great shape. And has an athletic body. So it’s a shape that’s attainable for me (at my best…).

I may not look like her. But at least I look like a better version of me while trying to look more like her. But also staying true to me. Because me as her wouldn’t look good but me as me but in her-like shape would.

I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m drunk already.

Vegas, Britney, Vegas!


July 25- July 29, 2011 HEADLINE JOKES!

Kim Kardashian revealed she has psoriasis, a skin condition which manifests itself as red patches on her legs. She and her family are proud to announce this is the first disease the reality star has contracted that is not contagious.

Google+ has surpassed 20 million users in its short existence. Now that it’s popular, many hipsters are leaving the site already, complaining that they knew about it before it even existed.

Justin Howard (aka Nordic Thunder) won the US Air Guitar National Finals in Chicago last weekend. To celebrate, he talked to a real live woman.

Jay Cutler is reportedly no longer engaged to reality TV star Kristen Cavallari. Though both are remaining quiet on the issue, rumors suggest that Cavallari may have finally watched a Bears game from last season and changed her mind about Cutler.

Hot Doug’s, the Avondale hot dog restaurant that always has a line waiting for food, was forced to close on Saturday because of the rain water from Friday night. Sources claim Doug was afraid the water would cause hot dog shrinkage and ruin the reputation of his products.

The US Postal service is considering closing fourteen Chicago-area post offices. Many post office workers and hundreds of trolls that guard the mail in the back rooms are worried about finding new jobs if that happens.

A Glendale, CA man was hospitalized after attempting to remove a protruding hernia from his own body by using a butter knife this past week. He reportedly said it looked delicious.

MGD 64 Lemonade is being discontinued after low sales across the board. Miller Beer has formally apologized to the group of men hired specifically to pee in the bottles before packaging to improve the taste, and promises to help find them work in another department.

Researchers in Tanzania have created a serum that smells like foot odor to lure in and kill mosquitos in an attempt to control malaria and other mosquito-spread diseases. Frat boys everywhere are being recruited to help with the cause.

Jersey Shore reality star Pauly D will be joining Britney Spears “Femme Fatale” tour starting August 17. Britney fans are concerned that the move will make even Britney look trashy.

Jesse James and Kat Von D have called off their engagement. Yeah. I don’t give a shit either.

All five actors who played the children in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” will be reuniting for the first time in 40 years in Chicago this August. Apparently Veruca Salt insisted upon it saying, “I don’t care how, I want it now!” And after 40 years, the others finally gave in.

Britney Spears already admits lying about most recent promise

After claiming she would attempt to be wholesome for the first time in her career, Britney Spears has now reneged on her promise to not have sexual undertones in her songs. She said simply, “Yeah, my agent said it would be a good PR stunt if I told y’all that. No way I’m gonna do it though.”

At her follow up press conference, Spears was wearing nothing but three strategically placed maple leaves. She did a pole dance, shimmied, and made small screams and wink at all reporters-male and female.

Experts agree Lady Gaga will have a difficult time maintaining levels of crazy

Pop culture performer Lady Gaga has become known for her offbeat style and somewhat wacky antics. From fake blood pouring out of her costume during a live performance of her hit “Paparazzi” to screaming “Are you listening?” symbolically to President Obama during a speech in Washington, she has become well known for putting on a show and one-upping herself each performance.

Many experts agree that she may need to begin toning herself down a bit or she’ll reach a brick wall where she will no longer be able to outdo each performance she has. They fear that she has only been on the music scene for a short amount of time, and in that time has consistently grown her reputation for being erratic and offbeat.

The experts believe that within about a year or so, if Lady Gaga’s crazy readings remain about the same, she will need to do something overly dramatic in order to stay on the pop culture map. They project she will likely stage her own death, like other pop icons like Tupac Shakur, Elvis Presley or Michael Jackson*. (*editor’s note, if calling Michael Jackson’s death staged is offensive or believed to be ‘too soon’ feel free to pretend it’s not there)

Unfortunately for Lady Gaga, standards of expected crazy levels have risen exponetially over the past few years thanks to pop icon Britney Spears, who has consistently managed to outdo her own off-stage wacky performances. A relative newcomer, Lady Gaga has her work cut out for her.

Britney Spears new song lacks words “Oh” “Baby” and “Yeah”, fans outraged

As the pop princess prepares for another onslaught of #1 songs to hit the market, she has decided to-once again-change her image. Her new songs promise to be heartfelt ballads, sung completely a capella without her synthesized voice half-talking/half-singing over a generic dance beat. And she’s made one other big change. She’s eliminated the words “Oh”, “Baby”, and “Yeah” from the album completely. Her fans are irate.

“I listen to Britney so I can hear those three words said to the beat repeatedly throughout the song. I just don’t know how it can be the Brit I know without those words,” says 14-year-old fan Dakota who was practicing a provocative dance with two friends to the song “If U Seek Amy” for her school talent show. Leslie, another friend in a tiny mini-skirt and Britney “Circus” T-shirt chimed in, “I don’t want to listen to her voice. I want to hear the beats and superficial lyrics. It’s not like she’s a singer or anything.”

Britney’s representatives maintain that the move will be a good one for her. She believes that all her fans will continue to support her as she embarks on a new chapter in her career…one where she attempts to be a respectable singer.

Her representatives are also toying with the idea of her beginning to actually sing during her concerts rather than lip synch, but there has been no confirmation that that will actually ever happen.

Fans astonished to find out Beyonce’s “Big Ego” and Britney Spears’ “If U Seek Amy” are actually innuendoes

It’s yet another quiet afternoon in the car with the Wilson family. The radio has been turned off since Tina Wilson, mother of Tonya age 13 and Trish age 11, realized that two popular songs her girls love were actually innuendoes.

Wilson loved Beyonce’s new hit Big Ego and Britney Spears single If U Seek Amy, until she thought twice about the songs. “There I was, singing along with the girls in the car, when I realized that these artists may not be speaking literally…they could be talking about something inappropriate.” Not willing to believe these artists would ever send such distasteful signals to young women, she searched Google for the answers. “I had to go to the only place I could trust. The only place I was sure wouldn’t be filled with lies. I checked the internet for my answers.”

A simple search rendered heart-wrenching results. As she had suspected, the songs were not speaking about a man’s self-confidence nor attempting to find a girl named Amy. With her trust and faith in modern music shattered, Wilson has decided to go on strike from all music until there are no more songs with any innuendo at all. This includes classical hits like Beethoven’s controversial 9th Symphony and the National Anthem. “Any form of somewhat organized noise could be sending me and my daughters inappropriate signals,” Wilson said. “I’d rather listen to the birds chirping…as long as its not a mating call.”

The Wilsons will continue to wait until the day there is absolutely no sexuality left in music. Ms. Wilson has faith that it could only take about a year or so. Until then, they listen to the sound of their car engine purring…but take care to not rev up it up too much.