Jan 13-23, 2012 Some More Jokes!

Obama asked Congress this week for the power to consolidate several government agencies with overlapping authority and thereby reduce the power of the government. He’s said to have first gotten the idea after being bombarded with emails dealing with ‘shrinkage.’

Axl Rose was on jury duty for four days this week, saying it was ‘relatively painless.’ He also admit that the number of drugs he’s put into his body over the years have left him numb to all feeling, so that could be why he didn’t have any issues.

Many popular Wikipedia, Google, Craiglist and many other information sites protested an anti-piracy bill by making their content unavailable this week. Which means there will be one day this week where nobody will know anything about anything. Get ready.

California Governor Jerry Brown supported a $100 million dollar bullet train rail project this week. He is planning on paying for the project with monopoly money, since the state is completely bankrupt.

A woman gave birth on a New Jersey commuter train this week, with other passengers helping out in the process. Apparently, most of the other passengers were delighted at the event because they could identify-for the first time- the gooey substance on the seat next to them.

LA’s porn industry, which is an $8 billion dollar industry with 90% of it’s films created in the SFV, is threatening to leave if state legislators follow through on a bill that requires the actors to use condoms in their films. If that move were to actually happen, the loss of revenue in the SFV would make it impossible for anyone to purchase anything… especially not condoms.

The TSA issued an apology today to two elderly women who claimed they were inappropriately partially strip searched while flying to Florida. The agency also apologized to the TSA agent forced to strip search these women.

Former playmate turned reality star Kendra Wilkinson has been really open about her latest diet, one that consists of lots of nuts. Which is no surprise coming from a woman who’s entire career is built on her affinity for nuts in her mouth.

Kodak company has filed for bankruptcy marking the end of a technological era. And the beginning of a new pointless hipster trend.

Seal and Heidi Klum are getting divorced.. making it impossible to believe in celebrity true love anywhere.

Kim Kardashian has asked that people not call her 72-day marriage a to Kris Humphries ‘business decision.’ She emphasized, “It was also for pure publicity purposes.”

Miley Cyrus cut five inches off her hair. Which is arguably the most interesting choice the teen star has ever made.

Lego company’s a new line of Legos specifically marketed toward girls, with more slender figures and stylish clothes, are causing quite a controversy with critics saying the toys promote body dissatisfaction. Body-image experts are apparently worried girls everywhere will start to tape or even surgically meld their hands together to look more like the fingerless cupped hands of their plastic doll idols.

California lawmakers looking to patent fire

As the massive fires in California continue to rage, California lawmakers have decided to turn a negative into a positive. They’re looking to put a patent on fire itself, because the state has become so well-known for them.

If they can push this litigation through the court systems, California can legally sue anyone who uses or controls fire in any way. Assuming they win the court cases, California could really reap the benefits of millions of dollars worth of fees from fire-users all over the nation, helping their state get out of some massive financial trouble.

If the patent is passed in the United States, they could begin to push for international claim over all fire. If accepted, California could sue any and every entity that uses a fire without their express consent and a minimal fee paid. Ideally, the money that would be won from fire patent cases could be used to allocate additional funds towards the fire fighting forces that have been working tirelessly for months.

In a roundabout way, they’d be fighting fire with fire.