Texans claim gun as cure for road rage

In the clamor for finding a cure for cancer, aids, and a slew of other maladies that affect millions of people, the cure for road rage has been one often overlooked. Despite that, many people in Texas have claimed to have found the answer. Guns.

“You jest shoot at the fella who’s makin you angry and, bam, problem solved,” said Archie O’Hare, a local Texas gun-owner. O’Hare, like most people in Texas, has several guns on him at all times. He is a factory worker, not a scientist, but claims to have used the scientific method in approaching a cure for the common road rage.

Archie, and many others in Texas, identified the problem: People in cars who cut them off or drove erratically ticked them off. They took note of their situation and the factors involved: They all had guns that could either hurt or kill the people who were causing the problem. They then hypothesized that if they used the guns on said people, the behavior would stop. By getting rid of the people that cause the road rage within others, the road rage would disappear completely.

For Texas, is a logical, fail-proof theory. And they’ve begun putting it into practice.

“Jest last week a man was speedin next to me with a real smug look on his face,” O’Hare recalls. “I could tell he was gonna do somethin crazy, so I got out my gun and shot at him.”

The Texans who use this method of attacking the common road rage problem always claim self defense in a court the couple times people have sued them after a shooting incident. Texan judges, of course, side with the gun shooters. After most court cases, all the gun owners in the jury, the lawyers, the defendant, and the judge go outside and shoot their guns while hollering cheerfully. They are, on occasion, joined by Yosemite Sam.

Student doesn’t make honor roll, parents caught lying with car bumper sticker

When Nancy and Rick Clarmont put the “I’m proud of my honor roll student!” bumper sticker on their 2003 Honda Civic, they expected their son, Hank, to continue to do well in school.

What they were not expecting, were for Hank’s grades to slip below honor roll status and to subsequently become bumper sticker liars.

“We’re horrified,” Nancy claims. She adds, “We can only hope Hank will get his act together and make honor roll next quarter so we won’t have to drive everywhere feeling like we’re lying to the entire world.”

Hank stated that he was overwhelmed from having too many responsibilities with both work, volunteering, sports and school. The eight-year-old student is already feeling the pressure of college applications. He claims, “Many of my peers are already being courted by Ivy League institutions. This one semester off the honor roll could very well keep me from a good scholarship to a good school and subsequent prospects of a good future. I’m more disappointed than my parents could possibly be.”

“We’re just embarrassed. None of the other second grade mother’s have to deal with this issue. Their children have all been on honor roll since Kindergarten,” Nancy says. She adds, “I just hope this doesn’t screw up everything he’s worked so hard for his entire life.”

When asked what they were going to do about the bumper sticker on their car that is now a lie, Nancy answered she would probably cover it up with some clever political slogan that told the other drivers in one short quip how she felt about complicated societal issues.