Femoir: The Podcast – COMPARISON – Show Notes

It’s another Femoir: The Podcast, friends and here are the show notes for all the things that are chatted about during this episode.

It’s a lot this time, so strap in… here we gocompare!

I mention 123 and me. I meant 23andme. Silly mistake!

I also talk about The Chicago Comedy scene, Wikipedia, and my previous podcast called “GUT.”

Then I mention what my favorite Zen Good/Bad story, Mindy Kaling, a great article by “Thought Catalog” called This is how we date now, my soul buddy Renee.

Then I invent Nude Feeds… naughty! And I make W sounds like “Cool Whip.

Subscribe for free on iTunes. Episodes out every other Tuesday!

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Episode 61: Patience – Show Notes

patienceThe latest episode of Femoir: The Podcast is a longer one, friends, but since we’re talking about patience, I hope you take the time to listen to it and enjoy!

I talk about the three major improv and comedy theaters in Chicago:

1. The Second City

2. iO (Improv Olympic)

3. The Annoyance

I mention the stage version of my solo show, Femoir.

I also mention my wonderful pending web series, The Other Client List, again. I am very excited about it. It’s gonna be gooooooood.

And I also mention my crazy peg leg pirate upstairs neighbor (again) and the fact that SHE BANGS!

As always, you can subscribe to these for free on iTunes!

July 25- July 29, 2011 HEADLINE JOKES!

Kim Kardashian revealed she has psoriasis, a skin condition which manifests itself as red patches on her legs. She and her family are proud to announce this is the first disease the reality star has contracted that is not contagious.

Google+ has surpassed 20 million users in its short existence. Now that it’s popular, many hipsters are leaving the site already, complaining that they knew about it before it even existed.

Justin Howard (aka Nordic Thunder) won the US Air Guitar National Finals in Chicago last weekend. To celebrate, he talked to a real live woman.

Jay Cutler is reportedly no longer engaged to reality TV star Kristen Cavallari. Though both are remaining quiet on the issue, rumors suggest that Cavallari may have finally watched a Bears game from last season and changed her mind about Cutler.

Hot Doug’s, the Avondale hot dog restaurant that always has a line waiting for food, was forced to close on Saturday because of the rain water from Friday night. Sources claim Doug was afraid the water would cause hot dog shrinkage and ruin the reputation of his products.

The US Postal service is considering closing fourteen Chicago-area post offices. Many post office workers and hundreds of trolls that guard the mail in the back rooms are worried about finding new jobs if that happens.

A Glendale, CA man was hospitalized after attempting to remove a protruding hernia from his own body by using a butter knife this past week. He reportedly said it looked delicious.

MGD 64 Lemonade is being discontinued after low sales across the board. Miller Beer has formally apologized to the group of men hired specifically to pee in the bottles before packaging to improve the taste, and promises to help find them work in another department.

Researchers in Tanzania have created a serum that smells like foot odor to lure in and kill mosquitos in an attempt to control malaria and other mosquito-spread diseases. Frat boys everywhere are being recruited to help with the cause.

Jersey Shore reality star Pauly D will be joining Britney Spears “Femme Fatale” tour starting August 17. Britney fans are concerned that the move will make even Britney look trashy.

Jesse James and Kat Von D have called off their engagement. Yeah. I don’t give a shit either.

All five actors who played the children in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” will be reuniting for the first time in 40 years in Chicago this August. Apparently Veruca Salt insisted upon it saying, “I don’t care how, I want it now!” And after 40 years, the others finally gave in.

Thin walls leave little mystery to neighbors activities

Chicago, IL- When Chad Walton moved into his little studio apartment in the busy Chicago neighborhood of Lakeview, he knew he was not going to be completely cut off from the rest of the world. His studio was small and his rent was cheap.

The first night, as he listened to the nightly news on his neighbor’s television through the wall, he knew he could expect some issues. But he’s a busy guy and a heavy sleeper, so he didn’t worry too much about the issue. It wasn’t until a couple weeks later when he heard two people, a high and low pitched voice, that he started to realize just how thin the walls between the apartments were.

“At first I heard just a man and a woman having a good time,” Walton says. “Then I heard them having a really good time. And I heard most everything. And I got uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.”

In a small apartment, he admits there aren’t many places to hide. Unable to get away from the noise, he simply turned up his stereo and pretended nothing unusual was happening.

While many people accustomed to close-quarters city living would argue that there’s nothing strange about Walton’s circumstances, Walton says there is one strange element he can’t seem to get over.

“After I hear the man and woman together for a while, and turn my stereo up, I almost always hear the woman leave the apartment shortly thereafter. She never stays very long,” Walton explains.

What’s strangest is there have been occasions where Walton walks to the elevator on his floor and there will be a woman in a long trench coat, wearing sunglasses and putting a wad of cash in her pocket. It’s happened on more than one occasion. Despite feeling like an intimate friend of this woman, he keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t make eye contact. “I’m afraid she’ll know I can hear her,” he says. “And that would just be so embarrassing for everyone!”

His neighbor once confronted him, point blank and said “I hope you can’t hear me at night.” To which Walton started sweating profusely and getting uncomfortable. “I mean because I snore so loud,” his neighbor added. Somewhat relieved but not yet off the hook, Walton simply responded, “Nope. I can’t hear anything ever.” And his neighbor smiled and discussed the nasal issue that made him snore so loud.

Walton says he maintains a friendly relationship with his neighbor, and has never let on that he can hear anything. And he has yet to make eye contact with the lady visitor.

Femoir at The Second City Chicago!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: March 24, 2011

Chicago, IL- Femoir, a solo comedy show written and performed by Briana Hansen, will continue its run at the deMaat Theater at the Second City Chicago Training Center. The show is directed by Second City Mainstage and e.t.c. stage alum, and Jeff Award Winning Actress, Amanda Blake Davis. The show is set up like a traditional Second City sketch revue, filled with wacky characters, memorable sketches, and hilarious audience interaction.

Variations of the show have been produced across the nation for over a year including at Stage Left Theater, at iO West for the Hollywood Fringe Festival, at the Phoenix Theater in Indianapolis, at the ACME Theater in LA for the LA Comedy Festival, at the DC Arts Center, and at the IndyFringe Theater. This variation of the show was created specifically for the exciting homecoming to The Second City.

The first two weeks of the run in the deMaat have been very successful with great audiences who were laughing from start to finish. The show will run three more weeks until April 8 at 9 p.m. at the deMaat Stage. Tickets are $12 general admission, and $10 for students.

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Two years later, woman finally needs new laundry detergent

Yesterday was a sad day for Sasha Penn, a 24-year-old living in Chicago. For the first time since moving out of her house when she was an 18-year-old freshman in college, she had to buy a new bottle of laundry detergent.

“I was beside myself when I realized the bottle was low,” Penn says. “I realized that I had never had to buy myself detergent before.”

Though Penn had been living on her own for so many years, she had continuously been able to use other people’s laundry equipment, including taking home huge bags of dirty clothes to her parents. And for years, her single bottle of Tide seemed to be enough for the rare occasions when there was too much laundry to ignore and she was forced to do it on her own.

In Chicago, however, she got rid of her car and now uses the bus systems to visit her parents in St. Louis. Though there were minor setbacks at first, Penn quickly got used to only bringing a small amount home so she could pack up her suitcase with goodies for the ride back.

It wasn’t until yesterday, when the last drop of detergent slowly dripped out of her loyal Tide bottle, that she realized the true repercussions of living on her own without a car in the big city.

“It was the first time I really felt like a grown up,” she recalls. With a small tear in her eye, she continued to explain, “I didn’t even know which aisle would have the laundry detergent. It was awful.”

After a week or so of complete denial, Penn finally faced reality and headed to the store to buy herself a new bottle. Since she was on a strict budget, she didn’t replace her loyal Tide bottle, but went with the absolute cheapest brand she could find.

“I guess this is just a new phase of my life,” Penn reminisced.

On a positive note, she thankfully continues to have plenty of fabric softeners.

Woman feels accepted when homeless man recognizes her stops asking for change every day

After moving to Chicago over the summer, Amy Rosen has spent a lot of time getting acclimated to the city. She’s taken long walks around downtown and various colorful neighborhoods in order to learn more about them. She rides the CTA and rarely listens to her iPod in order to take in all the sights and sounds and possibly strike up any conversation that may come her way.

Rosen has also become used to the various panhandlers and beggars that tend to congregate in certain areas of the city. Including one particular man who stands outside the same drug store every night asking for money.

Though Rosen rarely gives the man money, she makes sure to always smile and say “Hi.” One evening, man simply smiled back and said “Hi,” rather than asking for money.

She was elated.

For Rosen, this signaled that she was finally part of a neighborhood, and therefore part of the bigger city she had grown to love and learn so much about over the past several months. This incident was the first time a stranger she had met actually recognized her and smiled back. She considered it a victory and a signal that she could truly start calling herself a local.

She continues to smile at the man every night, though he usually ignores her now. For Rosen, the ignore is at least an acknowledgement that he recognizes her and knows he knows it would be a waste of time to ask for money. And it still makes her very excited.

Woman mugged by gang of city pigeons

When living in any major metropolitan area, it’s common to find large groups of pigeons. It’s also common to be on the lookout for petty thieves or bandits looking to start trouble or steal some cash from you.

It is not as common, however, for these two things to be one and the same. Yet that’s exactly what happened to Trisha Kiels yesterday afternoon in Chicago.

While Kiels was walking innocently to catch a local bus, she found herself suddenly surrounded by a group of pigeons. Though she was annoyed, she never expected what happened next. The group began to surround her, some flying up to peck at her pockets and others to flap their wings in her face and render her weak, sightless and vulnerable.

According to Kiels, the attacked seemed to last for hours, though it was only in reality a little under a minute. While some birds pecked at her pockets and forced her to give them everything she had on her, others made the both menacing and annoying “purring” sound pigeons are famous for.

Kiels was terrified.

The City of Chicago Police Department has admit that this strange incident is not an isolated one. Many people have reported being suddenly attacked by these feathered creatures. The biggest mystery for both police and victims alike is, simply, why would pigeons want large sums of stolen cash? This question has led police to believe that these birds work for some evil, bird-training human who rewards them with feed.

While investigators continue to search for answers, the police have issued some basic safety precautions to avoid run ins with these dangerous birds.

1.Always be on the lookout. If you see a solitary pigeon, he/she could be the lookout bird for a possible attack.
2.Run towards them and kick with all your might. Make self-defense a game! See if you can kick the winged rat before they can fly away!
3.Always carry food on you. Despite their seeming love for cash, these birds can’t help themselves if you throw some bread crumbs or bird seed their way. Keep in mind they’re dangerous and likely hungry, and their instincts will usually overtake any training they may have.
4.Always report an incident to the police. A pigeon attack is not your fault! You did not ask for it with how you were dressing or what neighborhood you were walking in at a particular time of day. These birds are ignorant thugs who need to be stopped, so never blame yourself for whatever may have happened.

Solo public transit passenger pretends bus is personal limo

Since the Chicago Transit Authority announced it would be making several significant cuts to both bus and train routes, Melanie Pickett figured she’d never again be lonely on a bus.

Last Monday evening, however, that was not the case.

Pickett was taking the #22 almost to the end of it’s route, when she looked around. There were only two people on the bus. Within a stop, the other passenger was off the bus and she was alone. She looked around in excitement.

Out of habit, she sat towards the back of the bus since she was used to not getting a seat in the front. This particular night, she found that it made her feel like she was being personally chauffeured around. Beyond that, her proximity to the driver made her feel like she was in a limousine and the driver would drop her off exactly where she wanted.

The only other time Pickett had been in a limousine was when she was headed to her senior prom. The memory suddenly made her feel very elegant, and she pretended to be wearing an expensive gown and headed somewhere important.

The driver, who remained unaware of the elaborate scenario being played out in her only passenger’s head, drove as most CTA drivers do…fast and bumpy.

Pickett pretended to be disgusted with the rough nature of the ride and began mumbling things under her breath. She told her driver that she would not be getting a tip this time around and threatened her if anything happened to her intricate updo.

The driver, noticing her only passenger seemed to be talking to herself and looking up in the mirror constantly, began to drive even faster to finish her route. Pickett responded with louder complaints about her chauffeuring skills and how she would not be using her services again. Pickett continued to complain about the ride, claiming that she would give the driver a piece of her mind if she could only figure out how to make the window that separated them go down.

The driver, at this point hearing everything the woman was saying, began to consider other careers-ones that ideally don’t require interacting with bizarre human beings on a daily basis.

Finally, Pickett’s stop approached and she signaled to the driver that they were almost there. She got up, discussed with herself how nice it was that limousines were now big enough to accommodate walking around, brushed off her imaginary dress and touched up her hair, and walked off the bus.

Once the freezing wind hit her face, accompanied by clumps of ice and snow, Pickett snapped back into reality.

Adorable puppy dog picture takes a bite out of anger in getting a parking ticket

In an attempt to make receiving parking tickets a more enjoyable experience, the city of Chicago has revamped the entire face of the parking ticket. Rather than having an ugly orange envelope covering up a plain white receipt with the amount of the fine, Chicago parking workers have a new weapon. Adorable puppy pictures.

Now, when residents of the already expensive city walk out to find that they’ve incurred yet another outlandish ticket because of some minor problem or arbitrary decision made by a meter attendant in a bad mood, they won’t see the familiar orange sleeve on their car. They’ll see the big, brown, loving eyes of a baby golden retriever and a wide, slobbery almost-grin. Upon opening the ticket sleeve, they’ll see the puppy cuddling down sweetly, with its little pink nose pointing at the fine for your vehicle. On the top of the ticket, it will read, “It’s ok. I’ll still be your best friend.”

The Chicago parking businesses truly believe this will help people cope with their anger and negativity toward getting a ticket. They even believe that if it rains and the outside sleeve gets wet, it may look like the puppy slobbered all over it and make people think of how cute puppies are with their uncontrollable slobber and they’ll forget about the fine inside.

Because it is only a picture of a puppy, those citizens who are allergic or nervous around dogs will not be bothered by having an actual dog near. And, it will help weed out which citizens have souls and which ones don’t, by seeing which people find the puppy adorable and which find it annoying. Parking enforcers believe that anyone who finds a puppy annoying has no soul and deserves to incur more fines in the future.

The parking companies are even hoping that having the puppy pictures will make people almost look forward to getting tickets, since many are already receiving them on almost a weekly or monthly basis. They plan on dressing the puppy up for various holidays and celebrations throughout the year if the program proves to be a success.

So far, people have not yet begun to appreciate the new precious parking tickets. Most citizens continue to argue with meter officials who write them up and groan at any new ticket that appears on their car.