Woman mugged by gang of city pigeons

When living in any major metropolitan area, it’s common to find large groups of pigeons. It’s also common to be on the lookout for petty thieves or bandits looking to start trouble or steal some cash from you.

It is not as common, however, for these two things to be one and the same. Yet that’s exactly what happened to Trisha Kiels yesterday afternoon in Chicago.

While Kiels was walking innocently to catch a local bus, she found herself suddenly surrounded by a group of pigeons. Though she was annoyed, she never expected what happened next. The group began to surround her, some flying up to peck at her pockets and others to flap their wings in her face and render her weak, sightless and vulnerable.

According to Kiels, the attacked seemed to last for hours, though it was only in reality a little under a minute. While some birds pecked at her pockets and forced her to give them everything she had on her, others made the both menacing and annoying “purring” sound pigeons are famous for.

Kiels was terrified.

The City of Chicago Police Department has admit that this strange incident is not an isolated one. Many people have reported being suddenly attacked by these feathered creatures. The biggest mystery for both police and victims alike is, simply, why would pigeons want large sums of stolen cash? This question has led police to believe that these birds work for some evil, bird-training human who rewards them with feed.

While investigators continue to search for answers, the police have issued some basic safety precautions to avoid run ins with these dangerous birds.

1.Always be on the lookout. If you see a solitary pigeon, he/she could be the lookout bird for a possible attack.
2.Run towards them and kick with all your might. Make self-defense a game! See if you can kick the winged rat before they can fly away!
3.Always carry food on you. Despite their seeming love for cash, these birds can’t help themselves if you throw some bread crumbs or bird seed their way. Keep in mind they’re dangerous and likely hungry, and their instincts will usually overtake any training they may have.
4.Always report an incident to the police. A pigeon attack is not your fault! You did not ask for it with how you were dressing or what neighborhood you were walking in at a particular time of day. These birds are ignorant thugs who need to be stopped, so never blame yourself for whatever may have happened.

Man shocked that woman has no desire to make out with him

Rodney Dearborn is an average man. He’s average height, average weight, average attractiveness. Like most average men, his ego is greater than the sum of its parts. Imagine, then, Dearborn’s surprise when last Friday, a random woman he met and began talking to on the train, refused to kiss him when he made a move mid-conversation.

“Clearly because she was politely responding to my questions and faintly smiling, she wanted me. I don’t get why I got rejected,” he claims. The two had apparently been making casual conversation, which in Dearborn’s mind was the equivalent of intense flirting from a desperate woman at a dive bar at 2 am on a Friday night.

Midway through the discussion about the colder-than-average temperatures, Dearborn leaned in with his lips puckered and his eyes closed. The woman squealed, jumped up and got off at the next train stop. “It’s her own fault!” Dearborn asserts. “She was giving me all the signals.”

“I’m a man. She’s a woman. We were talking. She made eye contact once in a while. Clearly, she wanted me,” he reiterated. Many men have been in Dearborn’s position before and unsure why they were rejected by these women.

The Institute for Male Ego Studies, IMES, has been researching the issue for several years. Brad Hunter, their spokesman, stated, “Scientifically speaking, there’s no reason any given woman shouldn’t be not only attracted to but smitten by an average man. Unless, of course, she’s a lesbian.The phenomena of women rejecting men who make a move has been boggling us for centuries.”

Hunter, who is quite familiar with cases like Dearborn’s, has attributed these rejections to the increase in the number of lesbians who retain much of their femininity, rather than wearing the obvious uniform of plaid, khakis, Birkenstock sandals and short hair. After years of research, that is the only feasible conclusion IMES can come up with. “Nothing else makes sense,” says Hunter. “There is absolutely no other possibly solution.”

Dearborn added, “If a woman doesn’t want to have intimate relations with a man, she shouldn’t lead him on by doing obvious things like eye contact, responding to simple questions, or being friendly. It gives the wrong impression.”