Woman attempts to curb addiction to paper towels

Marnie Gearhart in an attempt to keep her apartment clean and orderly, has developed a severe addiction to paper towels. Gearhart, a young woman from Idaho, admits that though she knew she had a problem, she never realized the extent of it until she went outside the United States.

She says, “Here at home, I feel like we’re told to wipe everything up and throw it out when we’re done. That makes it easy to constantly reach for the paper towels. Rather than using a washcloth to wipe up some marinara sauce, why not simply put the dirty spoon on a paper towel? It always made sense to me.”

Until she decided to cross the border into Vancouver, BC. There, while visiting family friends, she realized the extent of her problem. “I kept reaching for paper towels at unnecessary times. The family would just look at me and use an alternative source for cleaning, assuring me there was no need to use such wasteful products in excess,” she admits.

Slowly, she began to transition away from using paper products at every turn. Rather than putting her toast on a paper towel in the morning and having a seperate paper towel to wipe her hands with, she put the toast on what the Vancouver family referred to as a “plate.” Unlike the plates Gearhart had been used to, this one was not made of paper. It was actually a hard, round substance that could be washed and reused for any other foods. There was no need to have the same food only on a particular plate. For Gearhart, this discovery was fascinating and life-changing.

“I’ll admit it,” she admits. “At first, I started hyperventilating and squealing at the thought of a ‘spoon’, a metallic device that is also washable and reusable when not made of plastic, touching the surface of the kitchen without the aid of a paper towel. Once I realized that the kitchen surface, though, was as clean as the spoon, I could handle the thought. And once I discovered it was just as easy to wipe down the counter space with a washcloth after it had gotten some food on it as it was to prevent the food from touching the counter by using sheets of paper towels, I was hooked.”

Upon her return from Vancouver, Gearhart says the transition back into a more paper-towel-friendly culture has been difficult, but she intends to continue to stay strong. She claims, “I stare down the rolls and make them dare me to use them. Sometimes, they win and I have to use one or two. More often, though, I win and they just sit there. Unused and untouched. Like a nerdy pity date at the prom.”

Dirty person successfully dupes date through carefully hiding mess and spraying Febreeze

Danny Lubbers is not a con artist. Technically. Last Friday, however the short, stocky 32-year-old was able to pull one over on an innocent bystander during a date. His apartment, normally a typical bachelor pad with clothes and old dishes strewn about, smelled as if it had just been professionally cleaned. His date, a woman we’ll call “Anna”, thought the apartment was completely clean.

His secret? Lubbers simply states, “Febreeze. It works wonders.”

Lubbers recounts the story with a sense of pride. He said that about an hour before the date, after taking a quick shower and scrambling to find something appropriate that didn’t smell rancid and have tons of wrinkles, he realized the horrid state of his apartment.

Knowing that there was the possibility of the date ending at his place, and based on the tidiness of Anna’s appearance, he wanted to also appear put-together. In a frenzy, he threw his clothes under his bed and stuffed them in the closet. He did two rounds of dishes, simply throwing out the dishes that were beyond repair.

And then he had a stroke of genius. He sprayed Febreeze all over the place. And in doing so, secured the illusion that his place was immaculate.

When Anna came over after having a few drinks, she was blown away by how nice the entire place looked, considering it was a bachelor pad. She said the bits and pieces of dirt and dust she did see were completely forgotten by the overwhelming clean smell of the Febreeze.

Anna, and admitted clean-freak, believed that Lubbers was a clean man. Lubbers describes this experience as one of his shining moments in date history.

The verdict is still out as to whether or not there will be a second date. If there is, Lubbers claims he will continue to use Febreeze until Anna becomes so invested in him and their relationship, that he can finally reveal his dirty little secret.