Group of whiney hipsters take ill to mysterious virus overnight

A group of hipsters who had been frequenting several chain coffee shops, clothing and book stores and complaining profusely after every encounter, suddenly became ill overnight.

The hipsters, who never exercise, drink high amounts of coffee and smoke a pack a day at least, cannot understand what suddenly made them ill. They, of course, blame the chain clothing and coffee that is currently in their body.

Other Chicago area residents, blame the trace amounts of arsenic they laced in the drinking water supply of local hipster hang-outs. The residents, who shall remain nameless, were apparently fed up with the hipsters complaints and overall exhausting approach to life, decided to take matters into their own hands.

Rhianna*, a 24-year-old Chicago resident who is constantly surrounded by whiney hipsters, explains her reasoning for the mild attack. She says, “I was tired of constantly being corrected on how to say things as if I had never been to school. I was tired of being told that I was always wrong in my recollection of common historical facts. And mostly, I was tired of listening to them moan endlessly about their white, middle-class, petty problems. So, I decided to shut them up for a bit.” She adds quickly, “It won’t hurt them for long. Just shut them up enough for me to get a little work done.”

Many other local Chicago residents are speaking out to support the efforts of Rhianna, among others. The hipster problem is a serious one within the city that must be dealt with head on, otherwise they will continue to run freely in the streets into whatever chain they feel like terrorizing that day.

The hipsters declined to comment since they were all bedridden.

*names have been changed to protect this individual’s identity

Hipsters whine about poor treatment at a local coffee chain

Several hipsters, dressed in tight plaid pants and a mis-matched striped shirt and paisley scarf ensemble, were found complaining about their poor treatment at a local coffee chain in downtown Chicago on Friday morning.

The hipsters, who do not often frequent coffee chains and prefer local businesses, were in need of a serious caffeine pick-me-up, and desperately walked into the chain. The group immediately regretted their decision.

“The coffee tastes like oppression,” commented one of the lead hipsters. He added, “I can’t believe I paid money to the man who will inevitably keep the status quo in check and make my life more miserable than it already is.”

To make matters worse, the hipsters claim that the treatment of the workers towards them was below average. As another hipster explains, “It’s because we’re different and unique and not scared to be ourselves. We know we each look completely different, even if you can’t see the difference when you’re looking at our whole group. We’re totally individual in our own non-conformist conforming way.”

This particular group of hipsters is well known for frequenting a local coffee shop that charges exorbitant amounts of strange-tasting coffee. They are adamant that the coffee is the best in the city because of it’s home-grown materials. Much like their approach to modern art, they blame patron’s lack of sophistication about coffee for not enjoying the peculiar taste of the local store.

The hipsters will likely be frequenting a few more chain restaurants to complain before retiring to their normal hang outs to recharge their haughty arrogance amongst like-minded folks.