Woman mugged by gang of city pigeons

When living in any major metropolitan area, it’s common to find large groups of pigeons. It’s also common to be on the lookout for petty thieves or bandits looking to start trouble or steal some cash from you.

It is not as common, however, for these two things to be one and the same. Yet that’s exactly what happened to Trisha Kiels yesterday afternoon in Chicago.

While Kiels was walking innocently to catch a local bus, she found herself suddenly surrounded by a group of pigeons. Though she was annoyed, she never expected what happened next. The group began to surround her, some flying up to peck at her pockets and others to flap their wings in her face and render her weak, sightless and vulnerable.

According to Kiels, the attacked seemed to last for hours, though it was only in reality a little under a minute. While some birds pecked at her pockets and forced her to give them everything she had on her, others made the both menacing and annoying “purring” sound pigeons are famous for.

Kiels was terrified.

The City of Chicago Police Department has admit that this strange incident is not an isolated one. Many people have reported being suddenly attacked by these feathered creatures. The biggest mystery for both police and victims alike is, simply, why would pigeons want large sums of stolen cash? This question has led police to believe that these birds work for some evil, bird-training human who rewards them with feed.

While investigators continue to search for answers, the police have issued some basic safety precautions to avoid run ins with these dangerous birds.

1.Always be on the lookout. If you see a solitary pigeon, he/she could be the lookout bird for a possible attack.
2.Run towards them and kick with all your might. Make self-defense a game! See if you can kick the winged rat before they can fly away!
3.Always carry food on you. Despite their seeming love for cash, these birds can’t help themselves if you throw some bread crumbs or bird seed their way. Keep in mind they’re dangerous and likely hungry, and their instincts will usually overtake any training they may have.
4.Always report an incident to the police. A pigeon attack is not your fault! You did not ask for it with how you were dressing or what neighborhood you were walking in at a particular time of day. These birds are ignorant thugs who need to be stopped, so never blame yourself for whatever may have happened.

Lack of overnight muggings and murders baffles Detroit police

Last Sunday, when Police Chief Harold Grossman reported for duty, he was ready to hear the usual onslaught of horror stories from the night before.

This past weekend, however, was an eerily quiet one on the streets of Detroit. For the first time in Chief Grossman’s tenure as a police officer, nothing significant happened overnight. Grossman explains, “This city is a very dangerous, disturbing place. For nothing to happen over a busy weekend is unnerving. It’s almost like the calm before the storm. It makes me terrified of what will happen next weekend.”

Detroit residents were also shocked to open the paper and not see reports of murders or muggings throughout the area over the weekend. Ben Rowings, a long-time Detroit resident, claimed “The paper was filled with fluff stories about the improving economy and available jobs in cities other than Detroit. But the juicy stuff, the stuff that makes Detroit earn its name as the butthole of America, all that stuff was gone! I don’t know what to read! I don’t know what to believe anymore! I’m so upset and confused.”

“We define ourselves by our crimes and our pitiful responses to them. Without the crime, we don’t know who we are,” Grossman explains.

Chief Grossman has issued a public statement that thugs throughout Detroit need to have better communication so a lull in action like the past weekend never happens again.