“Now I get all the pudding.” -Casey Anthony
Congress has finally reached a deal to raise the debt ceiling and avoid the US defaulting- for the first time in history- on it’s national loans. Republicans and Democrats were proud to tell their young constituents everywhere they they, too, were able to “raise the roof.”
In a recent British poll, Helen Mirren won the Body of the Year, beating out significantly younger competitors, including Jennifer Lopez. Mirren, who is in her mid-60s, is proud to finally bring some competition against Betty White for GILF of the Year Award.
A Florida Judge ordered Casey Anthony to return to Orlando to serve a year of probation from a previous check fraud conviction. Anthony is expected to spend a lot of time at Disneyworld…because it’s the happiest place on earth.
A church in Stockton, CA is offering Drive-Thru Prayers for people too busy to take a few moments and pray themselves. All heathens are guaranteed a free side of judgement.
A latex Casey Anthony mask sold on EBay for almost $1M this weekend. The mask is reportedly thought to have been purchased by Anthony herself, since she has only recently learned that a little bit of latex can keep away a lot of trouble.
A man in Vestial, NY caught a snapshot of what he claims is a UFO that he and at least 10 other people saw in their small town. When he told federal authorities about the sighting, they responded “What the hell is a Vestial, NY?”
A Texas man has invented a contraption that can make water out of air. Unfortunately for the man, his neighbors are convinced he’s the devil and have shunned him from all Bible studies in his local town.
PBS is revisiting the classic show “Mr. Rogers Neighborhood” with a new animated program hosted by a tiny cartoon tiger. The tiger will be changing the greeting from the original “Hi, neighbor” to a more accurate, “Hi, breakfast.”
Ashton Kutcher’s character on Two and a Half Men will be named Walden Schmidt, according to a CBS executive. Which, ironically, happens to be the name of Charlie Sheen’s left testicle.
A new Chinese study suggests that chewing your food more could make you feel more satisfied. Which finally answers the important, constant, age-old question of why Cookie Monster never seems satisfied.
A new Chinese study suggests that chewing your food more could make you feel more satisfied. So, you hear that third world civilians? It’s your own damn fault your hungry. You should be chewing your rations for longer and stop complaining about not being satisfied.
Anheuser-Busch unveiled a new design for its Budweiser beer, which will be available to the US this summer. Despite the new exciting design, the beer inside still tastes like the same crap.
Ukraine’s government has vowed to free all bears that are used for entertainment and often forced to drink alcohol. In a related story, Ukranian women everywhere are upset to be constantly mistaken for drunken bears at bars, and have recently taken up more facial and body waxing.
Facebook is now allowing parents-to-be to create personal profiles for their unborn children. Pedophiles everywhere are gearing up for some busy months ahead.
Facebook is now allowing parents-to-be to create personal profiles for their unborn children.
Kim Kardashian revealed she has psoriasis, a skin condition which manifests itself as red patches on her legs. She and her family are proud to announce this is the first disease the reality star has contracted that is not contagious.
Google+ has surpassed 20 million users in its short existence. Now that it’s popular, many hipsters are leaving the site already, complaining that they knew about it before it even existed.
Justin Howard (aka Nordic Thunder) won the US Air Guitar National Finals in Chicago last weekend. To celebrate, he talked to a real live woman.
Jay Cutler is reportedly no longer engaged to reality TV star Kristen Cavallari. Though both are remaining quiet on the issue, rumors suggest that Cavallari may have finally watched a Bears game from last season and changed her mind about Cutler.
Hot Doug’s, the Avondale hot dog restaurant that always has a line waiting for food, was forced to close on Saturday because of the rain water from Friday night. Sources claim Doug was afraid the water would cause hot dog shrinkage and ruin the reputation of his products.
The US Postal service is considering closing fourteen Chicago-area post offices. Many post office workers and hundreds of trolls that guard the mail in the back rooms are worried about finding new jobs if that happens.
A Glendale, CA man was hospitalized after attempting to remove a protruding hernia from his own body by using a butter knife this past week. He reportedly said it looked delicious.
MGD 64 Lemonade is being discontinued after low sales across the board. Miller Beer has formally apologized to the group of men hired specifically to pee in the bottles before packaging to improve the taste, and promises to help find them work in another department.
Researchers in Tanzania have created a serum that smells like foot odor to lure in and kill mosquitos in an attempt to control malaria and other mosquito-spread diseases. Frat boys everywhere are being recruited to help with the cause.
Jersey Shore reality star Pauly D will be joining Britney Spears “Femme Fatale” tour starting August 17. Britney fans are concerned that the move will make even Britney look trashy.
Jesse James and Kat Von D have called off their engagement. Yeah. I don’t give a shit either.
All five actors who played the children in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” will be reuniting for the first time in 40 years in Chicago this August. Apparently Veruca Salt insisted upon it saying, “I don’t care how, I want it now!” And after 40 years, the others finally gave in.
Rather than writing full articles, we here at the Snoopy Digest have been focusing on writing headline jokes over the past couple months. Here are some of the highlights (and there will be many more to come!) Hope at least one makes you giggle…
From April 28, 2011
According to the NY Times, New Jersey residents are upset about the installation of solar panels around their communities calling them “hideous,” “ugly” and an “eyesore.” Which is ironic, because that’s how everyone else in the country describes New Jersey residents.
In an unusual move, a judge who will be hearing the last remaining negligence lawsuit from 9/11 has set a 30-day time limit on trial. Because the thing 9/11 victims families really appreciate is to be reminded that their loved one’s time is up.
I think the Birther’s are a conspiracy planted by terrorists to distract the United States from real issues… like terrorists.
Republicans have rekindled Birther conspiracy theories after President Obama admitted not personally remembering any details of the day he was born.
According to the NY Times, a growing number young people are becoming increasingly more unfamiliar with cursive thanks to the prevalence of keyboards and smartphones, which could make historical documents like the Constitution difficult to read to future generations. Fox News is hoping this means future generations will be more apt to just “take their word for it.”
Republican legislatures are pushing states to adopt a policy of requiring would-be-voters to show a government-issued ID, which would systematically marginalize traditionally democratic voters like the young, the poor, and African Americans. Not to mention it’d be so embarrassing to show someone your DMV picture.
It turns out contact with armadillos can result in leprosy in humans, which puts a real damper on my weekend plans.
April 29, 2011
Former technology consultant Willard Lanham turned himself in to authorities today after admitting he stole $3.6 million from the Department of Education. The government was shocked, claiming, “Nowhere in any part of history could we ever have suspected that a white man would take advantage of a system and that his greediness would overcome his better nature.”
Prince William and Kate Middleton were married this morning in a ceremony that has been called a “dream,” though twenty something women everywhere who grew up picturing themselves as his wife, have referred to the day as a “nightmare.”
Prince William and Briana Hansen were married this morning in a lavish, glittery, perfect ceremony in London at Westminster Abbey and if you try to tell me any differently, I’ll punch you in the face.
April 30, 2011
According to the Census Bureau, the land mass in the United States has been steadily shrinking since the 1940s. Land mass experts have turned to the expert advice found daily in their email that say explicitly, “Help combat shrinkage.”
A music festival in China called “Strawberry” has been cancelled by the Chinese government citing reasons related to recent rainstorms, though the act has raised concerns of more government crackdowns on dissidents. The Chinese government issued a statement in response saying, “It’s not our fault it might rain. We’re not god…yet.”
Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels said he would follow through with signing a bill that cuts funds for clinics for woman. My advice to other women in Indiana- as a woman from Indiana- get out get out get out get out!
Studies suggest that success in online social networking does not inherently translate to more successful or stronger offline relationships, which is completely opposite of what my Facebook boyfriend said while we were gchat-ting the other day about our latest Skype date.
May 1, 2011
The space shuttle Endeavor’s final launch has been delayed again by NASA technicians, who admit they have a serious case of senioritis.
Michael Jackson’s former physician asked for a delay in his trial, claiming they had been “sandbagged” with a new scientific theories from the prosecuting attorneys. Frustrated, the doctor claimed the only man he would ever allow to “sandbag” him he’s on trial for the involuntary manslaughter of.
Marines across the country were briefed matter-of-factly about the repeal of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, focusing on what it would and would not change for expected day to day duties of the military personnel. After the briefing, the commanding officers said if there were any lingering questions on the policy change, to shut the hell up because they didn’t give a shit.
A new study published earlier this month found that people who believed in a loving, compassionate god were more likely to cheat on a test than those who believed in an angry, punitive god, fueling parent groups everywhere to continue to threaten and terrify their children into submission.
May 2, 2011
President Obama confirmed to the world last night that Osama bin Ladin has been killed. Newlyweds William and Kate issued a statement thanking the President for holding off on the news until after their wedding.
President Obama confirmed to the world last night that Osama bin Ladin has been killed, shocking many stubborn ignorant Americans who insisted that they thought they elected him in 2008.
President Obama confirmed to the world last night that Osama bin Ladin has been killed. Meanwhile, the privileged young woman on her iPhone continued to complain about a look the woman at Macys gave her while shopping earlier today.
President Obama confirmed to the world last night that Osama bin Ladin has been killed, which is likely the final push forward for the much anticipated sequel “How Obama Got His Groove Back (Osama Style).”
President Obama confirmed to the world last night that Osama bin Ladin has been killed. Meanwhile, his aides waited anxiously to see how his critics would spin the story and somehow blame the President. Don’t worry, boys. We all have faith you can do it.
May 13, 2011
Mike Huckabee is set to announce whether or not he’ll run for President in 2012 in the upcoming days. When asked how his campaign strategy this time will differ from four years ago, he said frankly, “This time, I’m going to devour my competition. Literally.”
Bush Administration senior officials came out in huge numbers over the weekend to argue that many of the policies set up during the Bush years made it possible for President Obama to find and kill Osama Bin Laden. When asked if their financial policies could also be credited to current dismal economic conditions, Bush officials answered, “Aw, hell no. We were only did the good stuff.”
CIA investigators questioned Osama Bin Laden’s widows for the first time this past Thursday, but declined to give details as to what they learned. Speculators suggest the main topic of conversation was whether or not the former terrorist leader was a good snuggler.
A huge boom in parakeet numbers in suburbs outside London are frustrating residents and confusing scientists. The birds are loud, aggressive, and consistently pick and win fights with local birds. Residents claim they remind them too much of native New York City residents, especially because the parakeets have set up five boroughs, have a tree dedicated to major theater, and even have some birds that give rides to other birds in exchange for small seeds.
May 16, 2011
Former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich claimed that in a fair election, there would be no way President Obama could win. He then looked confused as those around him laughed uncontrollably.
Former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich claimed that in a fair election, there would be no way President Obama could win. He claimed, “For two long years minorities have had it easy in this country. It’s time for us to change… back to the way things were.”
Former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich claimed that in a fair election, there would be no way President Obama could win. He then went on to clarify that his definition of “fair” was if only people who liked the former speaker would be allowed to vote.
May 18, 2011
On Tuesday, Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted he had fathered a child nearly a decade ago with one of his household staff before running for Governor. He admits it was easier to hide the affair since he was not the one who got pregnant this time.
Lady Gaga reached 10 million followers on Twitter. And 90% of Florida residents have no idea what I just said.
Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have named their twin children Morrocan and Monroe, which is arguably the most interesting thing the two have ever done as a couple.
The US Government is suing Starbucks for firing a dwarf employee who apparently asked for a stool or stepladder to properly perform her job. She apparently also was insulted if anyone ordered a “short” drink in her presence.
For the second time this month, the Mexican Army has seized what they’ve dubbed a “narcotank,” a regular vehicle that has been pimped out to protect drugs and drug cartel. Soldiers were disappointed to find out it cannot actually be smoked.
A cloud of Icelandic Ash has reemerged in Europe, causing airlines to cancel thousands of flights for the same reason in less than one year. In even more shocking news, many Americans actually knew what Iceland was this time around.
A 72-year-old man in Palm City saved his dog from an alligator by wrestling with the 7-foot-long creature when his small dog was attacked, proving once again that nobody will ever be as intimidating as an old person who feels like you’re taking something they have a right to away from them.
Former President Bush was nearly hit by a foul ball at a White Sox-Rangers game this weekend while sitting in the owner’s box. The ball has been taken into custody for questioning and the batter has been deported.
Republican Tim Pawlenty formally announced his run for President this week. And, just like his persona, the announcement was forgettable and unexciting.
The US Supreme Court ordered a massive inmate release in order to relieve overcrowded California prisons. Unemployed California residents are looking forward to suddenly becoming much more appealing to their potential employers than their competition.
May 25, 2011
In a new report out today, members of the House of Representatives on both sides of the aisle handed out bonuses to their staff despite a looming economic crisis last year. Staff members have responded in saying, “Do you know what it’s like working for these assholes? You’d demand that bonus, too.”
A 30-year-old man was arrested last night in Burbank after he allegedly pointed a laser pointer at a police helicopter as it was landing at the Bob Hope Airport. In other news, the city of Burbank is looking to implement anti-boredom programs for its struggling residents.
The former husband of the Schwartzenegger staffer who had an affair and love child with the Governator issued a statement saying he was “very, very angry” about the paternity of the child. The man, who looked up to Arnold as a hero, said “If anyone was going to have a child with this man, it should have been me.”
During a state visit to London, President Obama signed a note dating it May 24, 2008. He apologized for the gaffe, claiming that everyone was so nice to him it reminded him of a time when people still liked him. And began crying.
Steeler’s player Hines Ward won Dancing With The Stars. Ward has promised to bring the lessons of the show back to Pittsburg by implementing the brand new “Totally Glittery Terrible Towel.”
After claiming he’s a man who lives a “very frugal” life, it was revealed this week that Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich has a $500,000 revolving credit line at Tiffany & Co. When confronted on the issue, Gingrich claimed his personal life isn’t anyone’s business. Which has always very much been the mantra of the Republican party and possible elected officials.
May 27, 2011
In hopes of reviving ratings and interest in the sport, the Badmiton Federation has imposed a new dress code for women that many are calling “sexist” because it requires women at the elite level to wear skirts or dresses. Officials have said if this doesn’t work, their next step is to stop playing freaking badmiton.
The Bulls lost last night to the Miami Heat, allowing the Heat to advance to the Finals and reminding half of Chicago that they now have to once again pretend to care about the Cubs.
July 12, 2011
Starbucks has added its biggest size ever to their drink menu, the 31 oz Trenta, which clearly made the fat chick in front of me feel a lot better about only getting a Venti Frappuccino.
Starbucks has added its biggest size ever to their drink menu, the 31 oz Trenta. Female Starbucks employees everywhere are applauding the new size, which makes it extremely obvious which male customers are overcompensating.
Starbucks has added its biggest size ever to their drink menu, the 31 oz Trenta. The new drink is proving popular across the nation and Starbucks representatives are already working on an even larger size, tentatively named Fahtass.
Starbucks has added its biggest size ever to their drink menu, the 31 oz Trenta. Or as Chuck Norris calls it, a thimble.
LinkedIn surpassed MySpace this week as the second most popular online social network on the web. Which for many people was surprising, since nobody knew MySpace was even still around.
The United Nations declared July 11 World Population Day, hoping to increase awareness of family planning- among other issues. My mother made the most of this opportunity by reminding me that I was a mistake.
This week a woman in Southern California was accused of cutting off her husbands penis and throwing it in the garbage disposal. The woman claimed that she was simply cleaning the home and wanted to get rid of all the items she hadn’t used in years.
Shaquille O’Neal has signed a multiyear deal with Turner Sports to become an analyst on its NBA coverage. The contract specifically outlines, however, that O’Neal must deliver all pre-game predictions dressed as his genie self from Kazaam.
The final Harry Potter movie came out yesterday. I’m sad to see the storyline end, but happy that I have a few more months of trying to pick up women by saying “Hey baby. Wanna go see the new Harry Potter and check out a powerful, magic wand?”
July 22, 2011
During his testimony for the News Corp phone hacking scandal, a man attacked Rupert Murdoch with a dish of white foam. The man was confused when authorities stopped him, claiming he was a Starbucks worker who Murdoch had asked for extra foam from earlier.
This week has been unbearably hot here in Chicago, with temperatures reaching the upper 90s and over 100 degrees several days in a row. Most people mind the heat. I’m enjoying the compliments from people all over telling me, for the first time, that I look hot.
The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation announced this week it would fun $41.5 million worth in grants to re-engineer the design of the toilet. The wealthy couple explained that it was in desperate need of re-engineering since their own toilet kept getting clogged by the hundred dollar bills they flush down it on a regular basis.
Michael Vick visited Capitol Hill Tuesday to support legislation that would criminalize participants in and spectators of animal fighting. Vick, who was a one time participant in animal fighting, has since turned into an activist for the cause. During the visit, however, he admit to get a huge amount of enjoyment from watching bitter Republicans and angry Democrats growl and bite at each other in small circles surrounded by their aides.
DMX, who was just released from jail, said he’d be spending time with his daughter and working on a new album. In talking about the creation of his new album, his manager said “It’s time to let the dog out of the kennel.” Unfortunately, both DMX and his manager have been out of the music scene for so long, they don’t realize that somebody has already let the dogs out. Though we have yet to figure out who. Who. who.
The space shuttle Atlantis landed on Thursday and marked the end of 135 years of NASA’s shuttle program. Though many are saddened by the end of the space era, people living in Houston, Texas, say their relieved to not have to listen to all their friends problems anymore.
On Saturday, Chicago is hosting the US Air Guitar National Finals. It will simultaneously be the second largest convention of adult male virgins in the United States, behind- of course- the Comic-Con in San Diego this weekend.
Tracey Thomas and Ricky Lane have been officially broken up for two weeks. But that’s in the real world. Online, specifically on Facebook, they remain an item.
But, why? The two have no intentions of reconciling. They only dated for about three months before they decided they were incompatible and completely bored by each other. Unfortunately for both of them, they had already taken the plunge and were in a Facebook relationship with each other. In order to avoid the notorious broken heart symbol and the numerous friends and acquaintances who would comment on the personal change, the two have just decided to leave themselves together online.
This story is not an isolated one. Since it’s inception, Facebook has taken the already muddy world of relationships and officially made them “It’s Complicated.” On the one hand, many people rush into being in a Facebook relationship out of excitement to show off a new significant other and to know that significant other will have officially gone off the market for others checking their profile. On the other hand, they often look before they leap, leaving them regretting having to have the world know when they go through something as awkward as a public break up.
And officially breaking up is just the tip of the ice-Zucker-berg when it comes ways Facebook has changed our social interactions. Between who we allow to see what, how we can manipulate our privacy settings, how we throw and plan and promote parties and social gatherings, how we keep in touch with people we haven’t seen in years and may never see again, how we say goodbye to loved ones, and how we tag our pets as humans are just some of the hundreds of new anxiety-building methods that we have to communicate with one another.
It’s the little broken heart that sets the break up apart from all else on Facebook, however. Both Thomas and Lane (among numerous others) agree that their hearts were not broken when they broke up with each other. They just want to avoid the numerous people who will comment on the status change. Or, even worse, send messages condoling them or writing notes about starting over and tagging them in it.
So, they stay together. And, as a result, still hang out with each other once in a while, mostly so friends can get a picture of them together, tag it, and there are no worries about whether or not their still together from well-meaning friends. The Facebook relationship, for these two, is almost like choosing to make the commitment and have a child together. Though they no longer want to be together, they must put up appearances so people don’t judge them or stick their nose in their personal lives.
Ah, the perils of the new world.
Lisa Hausing is a concerned citizen. No, she hasn’t yet registered to vote. Nor is she involved in any community organizations. Her concerns rest solely in Hollywood, CA, where she religiously follows celebrity gossip.
That is, she religiously followed celebrity gossip. The verb must be in the past tense because just yesterday, Hausing had a revelation. After spending a full 24 hours away from all technological outlets due to a surprise outdoors trip planned by her husband, Jared Hausing, Lisa had a revelation. The world continued without her and her favorite celebrities did not mention that they’d noticed she was gone. They had, in fact, never even mentioned that they noticed her.
She realized that the world of these people that she saw on entertainment outlets throughout the country, whom had invested so much time and energy into emulating and formulating opinions about, had absolutely no effect on any aspect of her life.
Hausing claims it was a total revelation. She says her first reaction that these figures had no influence on her life wasn’t depressing, but rather much more liberating. “I’m free to start caring about my friends, and talking to the people I interact with daily about their concerns and their families,” she says. “I had never even noticed half these people before.”
Though the past several hours have been difficult for Hausing, who has decided to go cold turkey from all celebrity gossip outlets, she admits that they’ve been extremely enjoyable as well.
“Look at me!” She says, smiling and shooting a peace sign at her friends. “I’m so Miley!” She then gets a distant look in her eyes and begins to tear up.
Hausing knows the journey from caring about celebrities to caring about her friends and family will be a difficult one, but she’s swears she’s in it for the long haul.
After the devastating oil spill in the Gulf, BP has been looking for ways to improve their tarnished image and reputation. And, in a small town in south east Ohio, they may have found the perfect solution.
This picture was taken last weekend in a small town outside of Cincinnati, Ohio. It has not been photoshopped or doctored in anyway (because I don’t have the skills for that…) It must mean either BP is struggling financially a lot more than we think they are, since they’re willing to almost give away their gas. Or, that they’re wanting their customers to return to them, even if it takes almost giving away gas to rebuild loyalty.
What are your thoughts on the matter?
When some friends asked Henry Fetter if he wanted to go partying, he told them “no.” He felt it was the only responsible choice for the dedicated blogger, since it had been twelve hours since his last posting.
Fetter, who keeps a simple personal blog filled with mild and often conflicting opinions on every day people and events, has been dedicated to the project for almost a year now.
“It started because I felt like I needed my opinion to be heard,” Fetter explains. “I wanted to have an opinion on everything- even things that didn’t require it.”
The blog has required a great deal of his time in maintaining, leaving very little time for socializing and making friends. “As a blogger, you have to really dedicate yourself to this online identity,” says Fetter. “Normal people can go out and make friends and maintain relationships. But bloggers aren’t normal people.”
Despite the fact that very few people read it, Fetter is certain it will be picked up by the mainstream media anytime and transform into a sensation. And he wants to be ready at all times for that possibility. Thus he remains in his room, sitting, typing away, and hoping someone in the cyber world will notice.
After years of comedic, sidekick roles where she was often kept out of the spotlight and her beauty was covered with dull makeup, Angelina Jolie is finally coming out of her shell with her new movie “Salt.”
Known for her comedic- rather than sexual- prowess, moviegoers everywhere are anxious to see how Jolie holds up in an action movie where she will be more dependent on her looks and sexuality as never before.
In “Salt,” Jolie plays a mysterious agent with a shady history and unsure loyalties. The role will require Jolie to slim down, appear more muscular, and change her hair color several times- three things the actress has never had to do before.
“I’ve always been so dependent on my comedic skills,” Jolie commented. “Becoming sexy will be the challenge of a lifetime.”
The somewhat frumpy Jolie has been slowly getting made over by personal trainers and makeup artists alike. Most professionals agree that, thanks to modern technology, she could possibly be seen as having leading lady potential in this film.
It’s a chance to transform her comedic image into a sexier one. And Jolie will pounce on it…sexily.
At the time, Elise Wetchlinger didn’t think twice about the killing.
A bug was in her tub as she was getting ready to shower and she simply grabbed a paper towel, smushed it, and flushed the remains down the toilet.
Now, however, she has begun to question her spontaneous decision and claims to be haunted by the dead bug’s spirit. The nightmares began just days after the incident, and have slowly became more and more frequent.
“I see him every night before I go to bed, hovering over me,” Wetchlinger explains. “And when I look away, he’s gone.”
Wetchlinger has always been a more sensitive soul than most. As a strict vegan, the thought of harming another creature has always been appalling to her. Yet, for a still inexplicable reason, that particular day she snapped and simply squished the bug- without apology or explanation.
Unsure how long the haunting will last, she has found her days have become shorter and her nights longer, and more tormenting.
Though tragic, the incident has confirmed the theory that Wetchlinger had about all creatures-they have souls. With no soul to linger, the bug would not be able to haunt her. Little comfort, though, for the woman’s guilty conscience.
Wetchlinger has been contacted by both Discovery Channel for their show “A Haunting” and by the Oxygen Network for their show “Snapped”. She has yet to confirm our deny she will be involved with the shows.