Gym Date Night

Xena-Warrior-Princess0013I have discovered an amazing night to go to my gym. Part of me wants to hold back and not tell you when it is… but the other part of me knows that you’re probably busy with “having a life” anyway… so I’ll share.

Friday night. The last hour before the gym closes. I’m gonna call it: Magic Hour.

Why?

Because it was magical.

Allow me to paint the picture…

I walk downstairs to drop off my bag in the locker room, like I usually do, only to see it’s mostly abandoned. I guess the rest of the women who live in my area were out on “dates” or “hanging with their friends.” It was just me and the worker who was cleaning it. It was silent. And wonderful.

I step outside to my weight room to look for leg stuff. I figure if you don’t have much time to workout, might as well work on leg stuff to get the most bang for your buck.

I look around. There are a good handful of people there. And they’re all men. No women in sight. Usually I’m in the minority. I’m rarely the only one of my kind. Already I’m liking my odds.

I take another look at the men. They’re all in great shape. They’re all about my age.
And get this… I was actually noticed.

I’m gonna repeat that. Even though repeating seems silly in blog form because I could just ask you to re-read it. But instead I’m going to retype it. For dramatic emphasis.

I was actually noticed.

Magical instance #1: I was sitting on an ab machine. An anxious dude came up when I was done with a set and asked if he could sub out with me to use the machine at the same time between sets. Since he was nice about it (unlike the grandpa I’ve spoken about before), I allowed it.
After he was done with his set, he got up, wiped down the machine, and returned the weight to my weight.
You know what that means? He took note of my weight so he could return to so as not to inconvenience me any further than he was already doing.

Magical instance #2: I was doing squats (like a boss) and a man came up and asked me how many more sets I had. I told him one. He said, “Sure, no problem, sweetie.
He called me sweetie. Normally, I’d be annoyed. But this was an evening workout so I wasn’t sleepy and hungry like usual. Plus, he said “Thank you, sweetie” when I told him I was done.
I felt like a weight room Princess.

Magical instance #3: I was using the pulley machine to do an ab crunch. I asked a guy hovering near the machine if he was using it (because I’m not an asshole). He kinda mumbled something and started doing pullups right next to it. Unsure if that was a yes or no, I just looked around for a minute. A giant man doing the same exercise I wanted to do on the other machine right next to it, pointed to the other pulley thing and said, “I’m done using that. You can use it, honey.” That’s right. Another pet name.

I said thanks and started using the machine. After my first set, he put a mat right next to me. He had been using it for his knees during the same exercise. I hadn’t even though about that. I put it under my knees. It was luxurious. At this point, I felt like a queen.

While I can’t always make it to the gym on a late Friday night, I now know that if I’m ever going through another gym boyfriend slump, I know when and where to show up in order to be treated like a weight room Goddess.

Of course I never actually speak to any of those guys beyond quick interactions. That’d be too much. I adore from a distance. And I like it that way.

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Single Women vs. Tinder

 …the following is a transcript from a make-believe court session for a case some single women have brought against the free dating application Tinder. 

The courtroom is filled with chaos. The lawyer for Single Women has just made a strong case that the application causes people to be too judgmental, too superficial, and too narcissistic. Based on the uproar, most people watching agree with this opinion and think Tinder is an unacceptable dating application.

The judge waves her gavel several times and calls for order. Eventually, the courtroom quiets down. She calls forth the defense counsel. The lawyer for Tinder is in her late 20s, clearly hard-working, well-dressed woman. As she stands, she sets down her phone she had just been using and a hush falls over the courtroom. She smiles, looks around, and begins to make her arguments.

Ladies of the court. I understand where my opponents are coming from. I really do. An application like Tinder can seem to bring out the worst in people, causing them to make snap judgements about each other and to go out on dates based on little to no information about the other party. I get that it seems this way.

But let me share with you my own personal Tinder adventure.

I work constantly. As you can imagine, being a successful lawyer is a full-time job. I dedicate a lot of time and energy to my career. I don’t have the time right now in my life to go out to a bar every single night of the week and sit around hoping some man I find attractive will be there, come up and talk to me, and find out we have things in common. The odds aren’t in my favor for that. They’re in nobody’s favor.

But when I use Tinder, I can automatically see other men in my area who are interested in dating. I can look at their pictures and determine if I like what I see- both the type of man they look like and the types of pictures they choose to put up. And I can make that judgement easily by simply swiping my finger one way or another.

Yes, I said judgement. We are all constantly judging each other. If a man comes up to me at a bar, I immediately judge him. Even if I say I’m not doing it, thousands of years of evolution are ingrained in me to immediately assess within seconds if I’m interested in this person as a potential mate. Tinder just allows us to do it more quickly and more efficiently, so we can spread our dating net out even wider.

I only have the capability to talk to people who have also said that they might be interested in me. This way, I don’t have to waste my time or energy pursuing men who aren’t interested in me. Again- it allows for more efficiency so I don’t have to waste my precious time.

And my opponent talked about how Tinder forces you to be superficial. I completely disagree. It doesn’t force you to do anything. If all you want to do is scan people in your area and see who thinks you’re attractive by seeing how many matches you can get, you can do that. If you are just feeling low and want to be reminded that there truly are plenty of fish in the dating sea, you can just collect matches and be reminded that you’re beautiful. If you want to send flirty messages with relative strangers with no strings attached, you can do that. If you want to actually meet people and go on dates you barely had to do any work to set up, you can do that. If you want to meet an actual potential mate, you can do that. If you just want to look at random men’s instagram pages, you can do that.

It doesn’t force you to be anything. It’s whatever you want it to be.

We’re expecting more and more of our potential partners these days. We’re living longer and romance has taken over our narrative. In the old days, you married the first suitor that came to your door. And you stayed married because you didn’t have any other options. And you only lived until like 25 years old. Now we go out hoping that in a sea of billions of people, we might happen to accidentally run into our soulmate who be our everything for the next 70ish years.

I’m a practical woman, so I’m not buying it. I want to meet someone who has interests in common with me. I want to meet someone who has friends in common with me. I want to meet someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously. And I want to have options. And I want to do it all without taking away too much time from my own career and personal goals. Tinder allows me to do just that.

Yes, it’s different from our notion of dating in the past. But dating has changed immensely throughout the years anyway. This is just another evolution of dating. And it’s not the end. It just an option. One of many now available to us lucky modern women.

And all practicalities aside, Tinder is fun and it’s great for your self esteem. It’s hilarious to see some of the types of men and the pictures they choose to put online. And if you’re sitting in your sweat pants eating chocolate ice cream alone on a Saturday night, you can still feel beautiful because someone on Tinder decided to “like” you and create a match.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s an all-around win.

The court is silent for a moment as the women look at each other. Tinder’s attorney takes one last look around and begins speaking again.

And one last thing. I was in relationships for a long time. Their constant failure had me feeling low. My self-esteem had taken a beating through constantly putting up with behaviors I shouldn’t have. My latest one had left me absolutely heartbroken. I didn’t know what I wanted. And I was overwhelmed by how to re-enter the dating pool after such a long break from it.

So I joined Tinder. Just for fun. I didn’t want to take the time to create a more extensive online profile. I was open to anyone or anything.

Immediately on Tinder, I started getting “matches” that made me feel good and gave me hope for the future. I went on some dates with men I already knew I thought were cute. Most of them were duds. Some were fine but not spectacular. But one date I went on was fabulous. I liked him immediately. He made me laugh. He was everything I had asked the universe for. We’re still dating. He takes me out, shows me off, and makes me laugh. And I met him by taking a chance simply swiping right on Tinder.

What will happen with this relationship? Who knows. Only time will tell. But I do know that I’m dating him because I want to be dating him. I know there are plenty of other fish in the sea. I’ve dated many of them. None of them are like him. But I’m sure there are other wonderful ones out there, waiting for me on Tinder if this one doesn’t work.

I’m in a healthy mindset for once in my life. And that’s thanks to Tinder.

I rest my case.

The young lawyer sat down. Looking around the courtroom, everyone was looking at their phones and using their thumbs to swipe pictures either left or right.

Tinder wins.

New Gym Boyfriend!?!??!

I need everyone to stay calm. This could be a passing fancy. But I’ve may have a new gym boyfriend.

It’s nothing official yet. It’s just… last week I went a little later than I normally do.  Though there were many people around, my gym boyfriend was nowhere to be seen. Probably already at his job saving lives. Because I imagine he’s in one of those life-saving professions.

So of course I just got in my zone and did my workout. I’m focusing on some new stuff, so I actually had to concentrate more than usual.

Then it happened.

I was doing squats on a squat rack and doing ab work on an incline bench in between my sets. And a guy came up and started using another squat rack near me. And my incline bench was kinda in his way. So I moved it so it would be more out of his way.

And a miracle.

He looked at me, smiled, and said “Thank you.”

So I smiled and looked down. The continued my workout.

The next day, he was in the weight room again. He was doing an exercise near me. We totally made eye contact. He had a glimmer of recognition in that fleeting moment of eye contact that made me realize he recognized me just like I recognized him.

Then! The next Saturday, I was at the gym again and this group of big dudes all hang together and gossip like school girls. And who hangs out with them? The same guy! And get this- he saw me again! We totally made legitimate eye contact.

Now… I don’t want to rush things. I know that relationships like this have to move slowly. And I know I’ve already made an intense emotional commitment to another man I’ve never spoken to at the gym.

But this guy actually makes eye contact with me. My other boyfriend never did that. He said something to me once. My other boyfriend never did that. He works out near me. I always had to creepily workout near my last boyfriend.

I’m not going to be hasty and just end things with my old gym boyfriend because some new guy spoke almost a full sentence to me. I’m not crazy.

Besides, the old gym has finally reopened and I’ll probably be headed back there in the mornings. So there’s a good chance I won’t see this new guy anyway. Plus he works out later in the day during a time I typically can’t get to. We have a lot of things working against us right now. I just don’t know if we’ll make it.

But maybe…just maybe… I’ll see my regular gym boyfriend at my regular gym at my regular time. Then on the weekends, I’ll run into my fling. That’s what I’ll call him. My gym fling.

A girl can only dream.

It’s healthy to date lots of people at once. It’s even more healthy to actually talk to them and have them know who you are. But one step at a time, people. One step at a time.

13 Signs He’s Not Good Enough For You

This year has been a roller coaster for me and many of my very close girlfriends in the world of romance. In an effort to add a small sliver of advice for women about my own experience in finding “Mr. Right,” I give you yet another list of things to think about in your search. Enjoy.

1. He makes you feel bad at any point before, during, or after your first date.

It doesn’t get any better than the first 24 hours before and after meeting someone. If you felt even a little bad then, it’s only gonna get worse.

Drop him like it’s hooooooooot.

2. He seems like a loser.

That’s because he probably is.

Find a winner.

3. He’s boring.

What would you rather do, hang out with a boring dude that makes you want to stick icicles in your eyes to prove you can still feel or watch Netflix by yourself in your sweats? Netflix every time, baby.

Grab the ice cream, cheap beer and your fat pants. You’re about to have the happiest night of your life.

4. You think you’re better than him.

That’s because you probably are. You should respect your significant other as an equal. If he doesn’t earn that respect, get rid of him.

Sorry. No time to date you. Too busy being way more awesome than you.

5. He thinks he’s better than you.

Gross. He’s gonna act like he’s doing you a favor by dating you. Do yourself a favor and dump his ass.

I can’t go out tonight or ever again. I’m too busy doing anything else.

6. Your friends unanimously agree he’s not good enough for you.

That’s because he’s not. Your friends love you and want you to be happy. They’ve seen you at your highest and your lowest. They were there before this guy, they’ll be there after this guy. If they don’t like him, it’s for a very good reason.

Neeeeeeeeeeeeext. 

7. He’s shitty to the other women in his life.

He talks poorly to his momma? He’s condescending to his sister? And… you think he’s gonna be nice to you? Yeah. Right. Good luck with that.

If this were Tinder, I would swipe you to the left in a heartbeat.

8. He doesn’t have his shit together.

You can’t fix that. Don’t fall in love with the potential. You’ll waste your time and energy wanting him to be better and he’ll resent you for wanting him to change. Let him go and get it together. If he’s lucky, he can do it and you may consider giving it another shot. More likely, you let him go and three weeks later meet someone who has his shit together who’s absolutely awesome in every way. And shitless guy misses out. And that’s life.

I’d rather have a guy who thinks his shit doesn’t stink than a guy who doesn’t even know where his shit is.

9. You argue all the time.

That’s probably because you don’t have anything worthwhile to actually communicate about. Likely because of #3 above. No matter what the reason, find someone who enjoys much more pleasant activities than arguing.

That’s an A and B relationship so you should C your way out of it.

10. He talks about himself nonstop.

You’re not that great. Stop. Tell me about your projects and your passions and your ideas. And then ask me about mine. And then let’s both shut up. Deal? Deal.

Blah blah blah I’m bored bored bored.

11. He doesn’t introduce you to his friends.

That’s because he either doesn’t have any or he’s trying to hide you for some reason. If you’ve been dating for a long time and you’re never invited when he’s hanging out with his friends casually, move on. He’s a jerk who’s hiding something. Find someone who will be proud and excited to show you off.

This one hits a little too close to home for me to have a hilarious quip.

12. He’s passive aggressive.

Here’s the only time I will ever put up with passive aggression: When my husband has had a long and stressful day earning money to help support our beautiful family and he’s exhausted and stressed and I, unknowingly, push a button that makes him accidentally snap at me passive aggressively. I will bite my tongue and let it slide. But we will discuss later when he’s feeling better. And we will both apologize. And that’s it. Otherwise, just tell me how you feel. Don’t beat around the bush, manipulate, or belittle me.

Plenty of fish in the sea who won’t be passively fishy to you.

13. He says he isn’t good enough for you.

That’s because he’s not.

Find someone who is.

Name Slip

A hilarious thing happened to me yesterday. I was out eating some dinner with my significant other, when he saw a friend from the office. He said hello and they chatted small talk for a bit. My boyfriend introduced me and his work friend introduced the woman next to him. He said, “Oh, this is Jackie.” The woman reached out her hand to me and said “Hi, I’m Debbie.” I nearly spit up my water holding back laughter. It would have been a perfect time to sing the awkward moment song.