13 Signs He’s Not Good Enough For You

This year has been a roller coaster for me and many of my very close girlfriends in the world of romance. In an effort to add a small sliver of advice for women about my own experience in finding “Mr. Right,” I give you yet another list of things to think about in your search. Enjoy.

1. He makes you feel bad at any point before, during, or after your first date.

It doesn’t get any better than the first 24 hours before and after meeting someone. If you felt even a little bad then, it’s only gonna get worse.

Drop him like it’s hooooooooot.

2. He seems like a loser.

That’s because he probably is.

Find a winner.

3. He’s boring.

What would you rather do, hang out with a boring dude that makes you want to stick icicles in your eyes to prove you can still feel or watch Netflix by yourself in your sweats? Netflix every time, baby.

Grab the ice cream, cheap beer and your fat pants. You’re about to have the happiest night of your life.

4. You think you’re better than him.

That’s because you probably are. You should respect your significant other as an equal. If he doesn’t earn that respect, get rid of him.

Sorry. No time to date you. Too busy being way more awesome than you.

5. He thinks he’s better than you.

Gross. He’s gonna act like he’s doing you a favor by dating you. Do yourself a favor and dump his ass.

I can’t go out tonight or ever again. I’m too busy doing anything else.

6. Your friends unanimously agree he’s not good enough for you.

That’s because he’s not. Your friends love you and want you to be happy. They’ve seen you at your highest and your lowest. They were there before this guy, they’ll be there after this guy. If they don’t like him, it’s for a very good reason.

Neeeeeeeeeeeeext. 

7. He’s shitty to the other women in his life.

He talks poorly to his momma? He’s condescending to his sister? And… you think he’s gonna be nice to you? Yeah. Right. Good luck with that.

If this were Tinder, I would swipe you to the left in a heartbeat.

8. He doesn’t have his shit together.

You can’t fix that. Don’t fall in love with the potential. You’ll waste your time and energy wanting him to be better and he’ll resent you for wanting him to change. Let him go and get it together. If he’s lucky, he can do it and you may consider giving it another shot. More likely, you let him go and three weeks later meet someone who has his shit together who’s absolutely awesome in every way. And shitless guy misses out. And that’s life.

I’d rather have a guy who thinks his shit doesn’t stink than a guy who doesn’t even know where his shit is.

9. You argue all the time.

That’s probably because you don’t have anything worthwhile to actually communicate about. Likely because of #3 above. No matter what the reason, find someone who enjoys much more pleasant activities than arguing.

That’s an A and B relationship so you should C your way out of it.

10. He talks about himself nonstop.

You’re not that great. Stop. Tell me about your projects and your passions and your ideas. And then ask me about mine. And then let’s both shut up. Deal? Deal.

Blah blah blah I’m bored bored bored.

11. He doesn’t introduce you to his friends.

That’s because he either doesn’t have any or he’s trying to hide you for some reason. If you’ve been dating for a long time and you’re never invited when he’s hanging out with his friends casually, move on. He’s a jerk who’s hiding something. Find someone who will be proud and excited to show you off.

This one hits a little too close to home for me to have a hilarious quip.

12. He’s passive aggressive.

Here’s the only time I will ever put up with passive aggression: When my husband has had a long and stressful day earning money to help support our beautiful family and he’s exhausted and stressed and I, unknowingly, push a button that makes him accidentally snap at me passive aggressively. I will bite my tongue and let it slide. But we will discuss later when he’s feeling better. And we will both apologize. And that’s it. Otherwise, just tell me how you feel. Don’t beat around the bush, manipulate, or belittle me.

Plenty of fish in the sea who won’t be passively fishy to you.

13. He says he isn’t good enough for you.

That’s because he’s not.

Find someone who is.

Lady Douchebag

There’s a woman at my gym who frequents the weight room as much as I do. In fact, she’s there more often than I am. And she looks like it. She is IN SHAPE okay people? I mean… she’s strong and hella toned.

I’ve spoken with her once. It was Sunday. She came over and asked if she could use a Kettlebell I had hoarded in my little corner of the multi-purpose room. I didn’t actually have any plans for the Kettlebell, there was just the one so I wanted it. I liked people to think I know what I’m doing, even when I have no idea.

It’s how I’ve succeeded at life so far.

Anyway, she asked me to borrow it and I told her no problem. Then I thought maybe I’d misjudged her in the past. I’d always thought she was a lady douchebag because she grunts really loudly when she lifts weights. She doesn’t wear a shirt, just a very tight sports bra that barely holds in her enhanced lady parts. Her hair is always down while she works out. She obviously spends a lot of time outside the gym tanning. She has false eyelashes she either puts on before every gym session or has permanently attached to her lids. And – the biggest sin- is that she throws her weights after she’s done with a set. Total douchebag move.

Also keep in mind I’ve seen this woman for months. She was at my old gym and made the move as many of us (like my gym boyfriend) did when it went under construction.

In our one quick Kettlebell interaction, I’m thinking maybe I misjudged. Maybe she’s not a douchebag. Maybe I’m just jealous of her dedication to fitness which obviously surpasses mine. I decide to see what she’s going to do with the Kettlebell so I can learn from her. She can become my teacher rather than my adversary.

Guess what she does? She asks a hunky dude from the weight room to stop his set to come take a picture of her. Then she poses in various poses holding the Kettlebell. She makes him take a video and several pictures. He returns to the weight room. I’m standing three feet away (perfectly capable to take a picture) and she didn’t ask. On top of it, she didn’t really do any sets. She just took pictures of what it would look like if she were working out.

My assessment of Lady Douchebag stands.

Lady Douchebag

There’s a woman at my gym who frequents the weight room as much as I do. In fact, she’s there more often than I am. And she looks like it. She is IN SHAPE okay people? I mean… she’s strong and hella toned.

I’ve spoken with her once. It was Sunday. She came over and asked if she could use a Kettlebell I had hoarded in my little corner of the multi-purpose room. I didn’t actually have any plans for the Kettlebell, there was just the one so I wanted it. I liked people to think I know what I’m doing, even when I have no idea.

It’s how I’ve succeeded at life so far.

Anyway, she asked me to borrow it and I told her no problem. Then I thought maybe I’d misjudged her in the past. I’d always thought she was a lady douchebag because she grunts really loudly when she lifts weights. She doesn’t wear a shirt, just a very tight sports bra that barely holds in her enhanced lady parts. Her hair is always down while she works out. She obviously spends a lot of time outside the gym tanning. She has false eyelashes she either puts on before every gym session or has permanently attached to her lids. And – the biggest sin- is that she throws her weights after she’s done with a set. Total douchebag move.

Also keep in mind I’ve seen this woman for months. She was at my old gym and made the move as many of us (like my gym boyfriend) did when it went under construction.

In our one quick Kettlebell interaction, I’m thinking maybe I misjudged. Maybe she’s not a douchebag. Maybe I’m just jealous of her dedication to fitness which obviously surpasses mine. I decide to see what she’s going to do with the Kettlebell so I can learn from her. She can become my teacher rather than my adversary.

Guess what she does? She asks a hunky dude from the weight room to stop his set to come take a picture of her. Then she poses in various poses holding the Kettlebell. She makes him take a video and several pictures. He returns to the weight room. I’m standing three feet away (perfectly capable to take a picture) and she didn’t ask. On top of it, she didn’t really do any sets. She just took pictures of what it would look like if she were working out.

My assessment of Lady Douchebag stands.

Lady Douchebag

There’s a woman at my gym who frequents the weight room as much as I do. In fact, she’s there more often than I am. And she looks like it. She is IN SHAPE okay people? I mean… she’s strong and hella toned.

I’ve spoken with her once. It was Sunday. She came over and asked if she could use a Kettlebell I had hoarded in my little corner of the multi-purpose room. I didn’t actually have any plans for the Kettlebell, there was just the one so I wanted it. I liked people to think I know what I’m doing, even when I have no idea.

It’s how I’ve succeeded at life so far.

Anyway, she asked me to borrow it and I told her no problem. Then I thought maybe I’d misjudged her in the past. I’d always thought she was a lady douchebag because she grunts really loudly when she lifts weights. She doesn’t wear a shirt, just a very tight sports bra that barely holds in her enhanced lady parts. Her hair is always down while she works out. She obviously spends a lot of time outside the gym tanning. She has false eyelashes she either puts on before every gym session or has permanently attached to her lids. And – the biggest sin- is that she throws her weights after she’s done with a set. Total douchebag move.

Also keep in mind I’ve seen this woman for months. She was at my old gym and made the move as many of us (like my gym boyfriend) did when it went under construction.

In our one quick Kettlebell interaction, I’m thinking maybe I misjudged. Maybe she’s not a douchebag. Maybe I’m just jealous of her dedication to fitness which obviously surpasses mine. I decide to see what she’s going to do with the Kettlebell so I can learn from her. She can become my teacher rather than my adversary.

Guess what she does? She asks a hunky dude from the weight room to stop his set to come take a picture of her. Then she poses in various poses holding the Kettlebell. She makes him take a video and several pictures. He returns to the weight room. I’m standing three feet away (perfectly capable to take a picture) and she didn’t ask. On top of it, she didn’t really do any sets. She just took pictures of what it would look like if she were working out.

My assessment of Lady Douchebag stands.

Lady Douchebag

There’s a woman at my gym who frequents the weight room as much as I do. In fact, she’s there more often than I am. And she looks like it. She is IN SHAPE okay people? I mean… she’s strong and hella toned.

I’ve spoken with her once. It was Sunday. She came over and asked if she could use a Kettlebell I had hoarded in my little corner of the multi-purpose room. I didn’t actually have any plans for the Kettlebell, there was just the one so I wanted it. I liked people to think I know what I’m doing, even when I have no idea.

It’s how I’ve succeeded at life so far.

Anyway, she asked me to borrow it and I told her no problem. Then I thought maybe I’d misjudged her in the past. I’d always thought she was a lady douchebag because she grunts really loudly when she lifts weights. She doesn’t wear a shirt, just a very tight sports bra that barely holds in her enhanced lady parts. Her hair is always down while she works out. She obviously spends a lot of time outside the gym tanning. She has false eyelashes she either puts on before every gym session or has permanently attached to her lids. And – the biggest sin- is that she throws her weights after she’s done with a set. Total douchebag move.

Also keep in mind I’ve seen this woman for months. She was at my old gym and made the move as many of us (like my gym boyfriend) did when it went under construction.

In our one quick Kettlebell interaction, I’m thinking maybe I misjudged. Maybe she’s not a douchebag. Maybe I’m just jealous of her dedication to fitness which obviously surpasses mine. I decide to see what she’s going to do with the Kettlebell so I can learn from her. She can become my teacher rather than my adversary.

Guess what she does? She asks a hunky dude from the weight room to stop his set to come take a picture of her. Then she poses in various poses holding the Kettlebell. She makes him take a video and several pictures. He returns to the weight room. I’m standing three feet away (perfectly capable to take a picture) and she didn’t ask. On top of it, she didn’t really do any sets. She just took pictures of what it would look like if she were working out.

My assessment of Lady Douchebag stands.

Pics at the Gym

I see people post them all the time. I think they’re dumb. Why did you take time out of your workout in a public space to take an over-posed picture of yourself post-workout?

If you’re a celebrity (ie Hugh Jackman’s recent workout pic), fine. I get it. You get people taking pictures of you constantly. It’s good publicity. You’re used to pictures. And often, you’re working out alone or with a personal trainer.

But if you’re just a douchebag at the gym who wants to show the world how you look after a set of weights… Ugh.

I got a gym to myself last week and in honor of all these douchebags who pose for pictures, I took an overly posed gym pic for your enjoyment:

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