BP gas prices, like their reputation, reach an all-time low

After the devastating oil spill in the Gulf, BP has been looking for ways to improve their tarnished image and reputation. And, in a small town in south east Ohio, they may have found the perfect solution.

This picture was taken last weekend in a small town outside of Cincinnati, Ohio. It has not been photoshopped or doctored in anyway (because I don’t have the skills for that…) It must mean either BP is struggling financially a lot more than we think they are, since they’re willing to almost give away their gas. Or, that they’re wanting their customers to return to them, even if it takes almost giving away gas to rebuild loyalty.

What are your thoughts on the matter?

Cheap BP Gas
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Sarah Palin proud of recognizing Fox News as a news outlet

Former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, during a notorious interview with Katie Couric, would not name a specific news source that she kept up with when Couric asked her the same question several times in different ways.

Months later, Palin has joined forces with Fox News to provide periodic commentary on current events and social situations. Though Palin says being proud to be a part of the news team, she admits she’s proudest of knowing that Fox News was on TV and that people watched it to glean information about current events.

“You know, if that liberal bully Katie Couric had just asked me specifically whether or not I know what Fox News is, and then explained that it was a news source, then I could have answered her question outright. When I said I read ‘all of them’ and ‘any of them,’ I was including Fox News in that answer,” explains Palin.

Palin’s aides first introduced her to Fox News while on the campaign trail. The news outlet, which has been accused of having a very conservative edge, was the gentlest to Palin during interviews. They reportedly told her not only all the questions they were going to ask before hand, but wrote appropriate answers that they knew their viewers would want to hear.

Palin says those interviews were the first time she became comfortable really regurgitating somebody else’s words in a more clear and concise way. “They kept things simple and to the point,” she says. “I got to repeat the same things over and over again. It was like a simple song, you know? One with no stanzas, just a chorus I could repeat over and over again.”

As for the subject of joining the ranks of her arch-rival Katie Couric, Palin simply scoffs, saying “I’ll bet she doesn’t even know what either foxes or news are, let alone what happens when you combine the two.”

Adorable puppy dog picture takes a bite out of anger in getting a parking ticket

In an attempt to make receiving parking tickets a more enjoyable experience, the city of Chicago has revamped the entire face of the parking ticket. Rather than having an ugly orange envelope covering up a plain white receipt with the amount of the fine, Chicago parking workers have a new weapon. Adorable puppy pictures.

Now, when residents of the already expensive city walk out to find that they’ve incurred yet another outlandish ticket because of some minor problem or arbitrary decision made by a meter attendant in a bad mood, they won’t see the familiar orange sleeve on their car. They’ll see the big, brown, loving eyes of a baby golden retriever and a wide, slobbery almost-grin. Upon opening the ticket sleeve, they’ll see the puppy cuddling down sweetly, with its little pink nose pointing at the fine for your vehicle. On the top of the ticket, it will read, “It’s ok. I’ll still be your best friend.”

The Chicago parking businesses truly believe this will help people cope with their anger and negativity toward getting a ticket. They even believe that if it rains and the outside sleeve gets wet, it may look like the puppy slobbered all over it and make people think of how cute puppies are with their uncontrollable slobber and they’ll forget about the fine inside.

Because it is only a picture of a puppy, those citizens who are allergic or nervous around dogs will not be bothered by having an actual dog near. And, it will help weed out which citizens have souls and which ones don’t, by seeing which people find the puppy adorable and which find it annoying. Parking enforcers believe that anyone who finds a puppy annoying has no soul and deserves to incur more fines in the future.

The parking companies are even hoping that having the puppy pictures will make people almost look forward to getting tickets, since many are already receiving them on almost a weekly or monthly basis. They plan on dressing the puppy up for various holidays and celebrations throughout the year if the program proves to be a success.

So far, people have not yet begun to appreciate the new precious parking tickets. Most citizens continue to argue with meter officials who write them up and groan at any new ticket that appears on their car.

Waiter of lower than average intelligence elated to learn mechanism named after him

Peter Webster is a hard-working man who has been a part of the food industry his entire working career. He began working at a fast food chain when he was 14 years old, worked his way up to manager, and eventually began at a local restaurant as a waiter. Waiting tables, Webster really found his niche.

“I am really patient and good a listening to people. I can also write and read a menu. I am a good waiter,” Webster explains.

Most of his peers and customers are kind and sweet to Webster, understanding that he may take a little longer to process information, but he is all in all a fabulous worker. On occasion, however, both peers and customers would call him-in a frustrated rage- a “dumb waiter.”

Though he has been always been aware that he was a bit slower than many of his peers, it was never an issue that caused him to become self-conscious. Webster knew his role within the restaurant community, and he knew other people, who were maybe a bit smarter than he, would fulfill other roles.

Webster’s world was rocked on Monday, however, when he discovered that there was an actual mechanism named after him. While riding in the elevator in his apartment building, he began to read a sign posted by the buttons that he had never seemed to notice before. The sign talked about the status of a “dumb waiter,” a phrase Webster had heard all too often associated with his name.

He was elated.

He called up his mom, dad, and boss and immediately explained the good news. His hard work had finally paid off because somebody he didn’t even know was naming a working mechanism after him. He was, after all, a working mechanism himself.

Since the discovery, Webster has found an extra bounce in his step where there once was a bit of a lag. He has found patience with both customers and peers who may get frustrated with him. And, on the rare occasion somebody calls him a “dumb waiter,” he smiles at them knowingly, often winks at them, and says, “That is correct. I’m willing to sign any autographs or take pictures if you like.”

Parents both excited and upset to learn that Santa is real

Upon seeing numerous pop culture movies in which Santa proves to be an actual entity, experts have agreed that there is no longer doubt as to whether or not the old man is real. Pop culture and popular opinion are never wrong, therefore Santa Claus-the famous and controversial leader of Christmas- is real.

The real shock factor for the legitimacy of Mr.Claus comes not so much in the fact that children were right all along, but the fact that many parents have been celebrating Christmas without any faith that a big fat man would come to their home late in the night and deliver presents to their children. In fact, for so many years, parents had so little faith in Mr. Claus, that they were buying, wrapping, and delivering presents to children themselves.

“I guess if you don’t have faith in Santa, he’s not going to show up,” explains Denise Winthrop, a parent of three young children who has acted as Santa Claus herself for the past several years. “I wish somebody had told me that he was real and would take care of all of this if I’d just left it alone,” she added. “It would have saved me a lot of money, a lot of time, and a lot of cookie-calories.”

Winthrop, like so many other parents, is relieved to learn that she doesn’t have to bear the burden of Christmas by herself this year. She will finally believe that everything will take care of itself because an old man in a red suit will come deliver everything her three kids want. She doesn’t even care that she’s passed Santa’s official child “cut-off” age of 18 years old. The fact that somebody else is taking care of Christmas is enough of a gift for her.

Many conspiracy theorists, who are adept at drawing out ridiculous conclusions to simple problems, have already come up with a theory as to why Mr. Claus was thought to be a mythical creature for so long. They claim that economists and many businesses who benefit from consumers going nuts at the holidays, kept Mr. Claus locked up and lied about his existence for many years, to make parents like Winthrop go out and buy frivolous things for their children rather than saving the money for more important ventures like healthcare or medicine.

Though their conclusion seems like a ridiculous one, there is some concern within American economists that too many parents will now rely on Mr. Claus and his band of merry elves to make all the products themselves and distribute them on Christmas eve. As a result, there could be a real surplus of expensive items and even less spending during a time that could hopefully help jump-start a flailing economy.

Winthrop isn’t concerned about any of that. She’s only concerned with allowing her already tight budget to stay on track, and to remain out of as much debt as possible while allowing her kids to have a great Christmas experience. For her, the reality of Santa Claus is a true Christmas miracle.

After days of mooching and feasting, woman on budget is thrown back into reality

For Rachel Krose, the holiday season means more than spending time with friends and family. It also means she will likely be given free food from her loved ones, a special treat she looks forward to every year.

As an actor who works paycheck to paycheck, Krose is constantly attempting to make ends meet and have all her bills paid. Often, the first thing that she neglects when her funds are especially low, is her food. “You’d be surprised how much better rice and beans are when you add a little salt, pepper, and cumin,” Krose explains. “It’s gourmet.”

That’s all forgotten, however, when it’s time for the holidays. The generosity of her friends and family leave her belly extremely full and her tongue feeling like it’s been attacked with a nuclear bomb of taste and excitement.

That is, until, she returns to her regular budget and regular food. In the three days of feasting that surround the holidays, Krose seemed to have forgotten what it’s like to eat the same foods every day and pretend they taste good.

“Maybe cumin doesn’t add as much as I thought it did…” Krose adds, with a touch of sadness in her voice.

The transition back to budget-based meals has been a difficult one, but Krose is optimistic, saying, “I just have to make it until the end of December. Then I get good food again!”

When asked what she was going to do after December, she looked off into the distance quietly for a moment. And then, as if convincing herself as much as anyone else, she said, “I’m going to love the —- out of my rice and beans.” She nodded furiously, repeating, “I love rice and beans.”

Discovery of penny on ground changes cursed man’s luck

Henry Miller was having a rough week. Everything that could go wrong, for him, seemed to go wrong. He was feeling sick, gotten in a huge fight with his girlfriend in which she kicked him out of the apartment, and was on thin ice at work. It seemed every human interaction he had, he was beaten down and criticized in some capacity.

That is, until, he was walking to the bus stop and saw a small, shiny, copper penny sitting there waiting for him to discover it. He remembered the old adage, “See a penny/ pick it up/ all day long you’ll have good luck.” So, he did just that. He picked it up and was pleasantly surprised to see it was heads up. He knew this was a good omen.

Just as he walked to the bus stop, the bus pulled right up without any waiting. He hopped aboard and saw that there was nobody else on the bus, which gave him the chance to choose any seat he wanted and kept him from having to smell some of the other regular bus customers. Just then, his girlfriend called him and apologized for overreacting, and asked him to come bak and live with her. When he arrived at work, his boss called him into the office and said he was very proud of the effort Miller had been showing over the past week and that he was being promoted-even in this economy! A co-worker also gave him a pack of vitamins to help out with the sickness that had been plaguing him for weeks.

Miller is grateful to whoever dropped that penny so that he could find it. A part of him, is sure it was an angel.

Capitol runs out of toilet paper due to high volume of b.s.

The atmosphere of our nation’s capital turned messy today as politicians ran short and eventually completely out of toilet paper due to the high nature of crap they’ve been spewing out in recent days. By mid-afternoon, there was no toilet paper to be found in any of the stalls or closets in Washington, D.C.

Henry Clove, head of the district’s sanitation department, claims he is not surprised at all. “I’ve been warning the politicians for decades that an over-saturation of bull**** will eventually cause a deficit of resources to meet the politicians needs. We took a heavy hit during the past eight years, leaving us with a small supply of toilet paper for both election season and for the inevitable economic crisis.”

Though they’re expecting a new shipment of toilet paper to come in before Congresses next session, there are still enough politicians, lobbyists and big businessmen to cause a crisis in Washington.

Clove says, “We can only hope that this will be enough toilet paper to last them for the next few months. There isn’t an unending supply of toilet paper in the world. In fact, this area alone uses the second most toilet paper in the entire globe. Only Hong Kong beats us in the bull****ometer…and that’s mostly because of the sheer number of people there.”

Because politicians and constituents alike have become accustomed to the level of crap being spewed out of Washington at any given time, it is likely this toilet paper shortage may happen again soon before any more permanent solution is reached.

The Wall Street Journal considering adding ‘Sports’ section to paper for more available daily substance

Because of the rather boring and depressing nature of much of the United State’s economy, the Wall Street Journal is considering adding a ‘Sports’ section. Says Marty Bigshott, the (secret) Editor in chief of the paper, “A sports section will allow us to keep our credibility as a news source by consistently delivering content, while distracting people from our currently feeble and pathetic economy.”

The WSJ has been lagging behind other publications in terms of its general readership, a statistic they contribute to the horrifying nature of most of their truthful, daily economic articles. Their lack of pretty pictures and updates on local sports matches as put them at a disadvantage in terms of their level of “soft news.” They hope to change everything around by adding a very unique sports section.

Rather than a regular sport section where both teams are announced and a play by play is given of what happened during the game, the WSJ will only announce the winners from the previous nights sports match ups with colorful, happy pictures of the winners. It will highlight winning teams reactions and favorite hobbies outside the sports. It will hold a special “Furry Creatures Competing Like Humans” section for the Sunday paper, where it will highlight all the animal matches from the previous week, with an emphasis on puppies and kittens.

When asked if he thought his readers would support such a move, Bigshott said, “Of course! People don’t really care what they’re reading anymore. As long as they read a little bit of something, they can consider themselves informed.” He added, “And I know a lot of Wall Street bigwigs who love to share their opinion on the fastest turtle breed to bet on at a local church turtle race.”

Bigshott ended the interview with a huge smile and thumbs up, as a small tear rolled down his troubled face.

College graduates saturate the market with corner lemonade stands

“That’ll be $2.50 without ice, and $3 for ice,” says Tina Gunter a 22-year-old graduate of Yale University. Gunter, like so many recent college graduates, has had a difficult time finding work in this floundering economy. So, she has decided to do what she did when she was younger and needed quick cash. She’s opened a corner lemonade stand in her neighborhood.

“I charge a moderate price for a quality product. I’m proud of what I do,” she claims. Quickly adding,“Of course I use my Yale education every day. I have to problem solve, you know. People ask me, ‘Why should I pay that much for a lemonade?’ and I tell them each person some different reason. I’m constantly thinking on my toes. It’s made me consider becoming a lawyer! If I can just make enough money this summer for law school…”

Gunter is not alone being a college-graduate-turned-entrepreneur of lemonade and other refreshing juice stands on corners of local neighborhoods. Mark Baker, a long-time resident of a quiet, residential street in Boston, claims, “They’re everywhere. They can’t find a job so they come here to drain the last bit of patience and money out of their parents and the rest of the neighborhood. They’re charging outlandish prices and berate you if you don’t stop for a lemonade on your way to work. It’s getting out of control.”

When asked if there was any competition for her corner lemonade stand, Gunter smirked. “Not anymore,” she said, smiling. “That six-year-old brat Heather Henderson tried to open up a lemonade stand last week right across the street from me. She was only charging 25 cents for her cups. I quickly put an end to that with a little mind trick I learned while in my sorority. Let’s just say, Heather will probably be scared of sugar for the rest of her life…” She winked, and quickly turned to yell at a neighbor who was trying to sneak into his car unnoticed.

Gunter is not sure what the future holds for her. She says if business keeps booming throughout the year as it did over the summer, she may never move out. Her parents declined to comment and the neighbors were too busy running from her to answer any of my questions.