August 1- August 5 Headlines Jokes!

Enjoy.

Congress has finally reached a deal to raise the debt ceiling and avoid the US defaulting- for the first time in history- on it’s national loans. Republicans and Democrats were proud to tell their young constituents everywhere they they, too, were able to “raise the roof.”

In a recent British poll, Helen Mirren won the Body of the Year, beating out significantly younger competitors, including Jennifer Lopez. Mirren, who is in her mid-60s, is proud to finally bring some competition against Betty White for GILF of the Year Award.

A Florida Judge ordered Casey Anthony to return to Orlando to serve a year of probation from a previous check fraud conviction. Anthony is expected to spend a lot of time at Disneyworld…because it’s the happiest place on earth.

A church in Stockton, CA is offering Drive-Thru Prayers for people too busy to take a few moments and pray themselves. All heathens are guaranteed a free side of judgement.

A latex Casey Anthony mask sold on EBay for almost $1M this weekend. The mask is reportedly thought to have been purchased by Anthony herself, since she has only recently learned that a little bit of latex can keep away a lot of trouble.

A man in Vestial, NY caught a snapshot of what he claims is a UFO that he and at least 10 other people saw in their small town. When he told federal authorities about the sighting, they responded “What the hell is a Vestial, NY?”

A Texas man has invented a contraption that can make water out of air. Unfortunately for the man, his neighbors are convinced he’s the devil and have shunned him from all Bible studies in his local town.

PBS is revisiting the classic show “Mr. Rogers Neighborhood” with a new animated program hosted by a tiny cartoon tiger. The tiger will be changing the greeting from the original “Hi, neighbor” to a more accurate, “Hi, breakfast.”

Ashton Kutcher’s character on Two and a Half Men will be named Walden Schmidt, according to a CBS executive. Which, ironically, happens to be the name of Charlie Sheen’s left testicle.

A new Chinese study suggests that chewing your food more could make you feel more satisfied. Which finally answers the important, constant, age-old question of why Cookie Monster never seems satisfied.

A new Chinese study suggests that chewing your food more could make you feel more satisfied. So, you hear that third world civilians? It’s your own damn fault your hungry. You should be chewing your rations for longer and stop complaining about not being satisfied.

Anheuser-Busch unveiled a new design for its Budweiser beer, which will be available to the US this summer. Despite the new exciting design, the beer inside still tastes like the same crap.

Ukraine’s government has vowed to free all bears that are used for entertainment and often forced to drink alcohol. In a related story, Ukranian women everywhere are upset to be constantly mistaken for drunken bears at bars, and have recently taken up more facial and body waxing.

Facebook is now allowing parents-to-be to create personal profiles for their unborn children. Pedophiles everywhere are gearing up for some busy months ahead.

Facebook is now allowing parents-to-be to create personal profiles for their unborn children.

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Couple stays together for fear of gossip about Facebook status change

Tracey Thomas and Ricky Lane have been officially broken up for two weeks. But that’s in the real world. Online, specifically on Facebook, they remain an item.

But, why? The two have no intentions of reconciling. They only dated for about three months before they decided they were incompatible and completely bored by each other. Unfortunately for both of them, they had already taken the plunge and were in a Facebook relationship with each other. In order to avoid the notorious broken heart symbol and the numerous friends and acquaintances who would comment on the personal change, the two have just decided to leave themselves together online.

This story is not an isolated one. Since it’s inception, Facebook has taken the already muddy world of relationships and officially made them “It’s Complicated.” On the one hand, many people rush into being in a Facebook relationship out of excitement to show off a new significant other and to know that significant other will have officially gone off the market for others checking their profile. On the other hand, they often look before they leap, leaving them regretting having to have the world know when they go through something as awkward as a public break up.

And officially breaking up is just the tip of the ice-Zucker-berg when it comes ways Facebook has changed our social interactions. Between who we allow to see what, how we can manipulate our privacy settings, how we throw and plan and promote parties and social gatherings, how we keep in touch with people we haven’t seen in years and may never see again, how we say goodbye to loved ones, and how we tag our pets as humans are just some of the hundreds of new anxiety-building methods that we have to communicate with one another.

It’s the little broken heart that sets the break up apart from all else on Facebook, however. Both Thomas and Lane (among numerous others) agree that their hearts were not broken when they broke up with each other. They just want to avoid the numerous people who will comment on the status change. Or, even worse, send messages condoling them or writing notes about starting over and tagging them in it.

So, they stay together. And, as a result, still hang out with each other once in a while, mostly so friends can get a picture of them together, tag it, and there are no worries about whether or not their still together from well-meaning friends. The Facebook relationship, for these two, is almost like choosing to make the commitment and have a child together. Though they no longer want to be together, they must put up appearances so people don’t judge them or stick their nose in their personal lives.

Ah, the perils of the new world.

Clever “Kill the Bill” Facebook pictures make huge difference in lawmaker’s opinion on healthcare

Hours after healthcare reform finally passed Congress, a huge and hard-fought victory for the Obama administration, political analysts have already begun to speculate on what influenced lawmakers to support or oppose the bill.

The overwhelming majority of Democrats in Congress voted in support of the bill, citing the inherent need for healthcare overhaul and overwhelming number of frustrated constituents as their reasoning.

Republicans, however, overwhelmingly voted against the measure. Their reasoning, though multi-layered, seemed to stem from one simple analysis. Many of their younger constituents-most of whom do not vote or participate in any part of the political process- changed their Facebook profile pictures to a clever variation of the popular Tarantino movie “Kill Bill”, so that they said “Kill the Bill”. Elected Republican representatives were so struck by the picture’s creativity and catchiness that they refused to support the bill.

Some elected representatives even claimed that it wouldn’t have mattered what bill was being put up for a vote because they were so impressed and influenced by picture.

Despite their best efforts, however, the bill will be signed into law by President Obama on Tuesday. Republicans are eagerly anticipating the numerous profile pictures that will be changing to some new, clever symbol of opposition. Until then, many of the politicians continue to browse the social networking site aimlessly, looking at pictures of long-lost friends they care nothing about.

Girl admits using Facebook and Twitter status updates to make others feel lazy

The obsession began when Mya Wilkins started working out more often. Like many people, Wilkins had a tough time sticking to any fitness routine. She would often lose her motivation and find herself making excuses for not working out after about a month’s time.

Social media, however, changed this for Wilkins and many others. “Now, every time I work out, I like to post what I did on both Facebook and Twitter,” she explains. “That way, I know other people know how hard I’m working. It makes me not only feel better, but I know I’m making others feel lazy. It’s really satisfying.”

Wilkins is not alone in her love for posting her workout routine online. Several hundred people have found a new love for using their online media sources as motivation for continuing strenuous workout routines.

“It’s way better than any personal trainer, for me,” Wilkins adds. She began working out seven months ago, and has been consistent about it every since her first Facebook status update, in which she wrote “Feeling great after a hard morning workout!” Ever since, she has been writing daily about her routines, even writing “I wish I had time to run today :(“ on her off-days.

“Of course I’m not always being honest about how much I enjoy working out or how hard I actually worked,” admits Wilkins. “But the online community doesn’t have to know that. As long as they feel lazier and I have a sense of moral and physical superiority over them, I’m happy.”

Facebook poke relationship turns substantial

It began as just a pointless, confusing, digital “poke” on the online networking site, Facebook. That simple act transformed the lives of Mr. Joey Pewter and Mrs. Hailey Clear-Pewter.

The two first met when Facebook suggested they had a few friends in common and should consider befriending each other. As Mr. Pewter recalls, “I had no idea who this Hailey Clear was, but I figured why not add a new friend?” And so he made that fateful click that would begin a new era for him. As Mrs. Clear-Pewter recalls, “I saw we had friends in common so I figured why not accept the friendship? Obviously, I’m so glad I finally did.”

The digital courtship did not begin immediately. Mr. Pewter took a bold move by deciding to “poke” her one day. He explains, “I wanted to see if she would poke me back. You can learn a lot about a person based on their Facebook poke etiquette.”

Mrs. Clear-Pewter recalls the day when she saw the first poke. She says it told her a lot about what type of person he was and the possibilities of their relationship. “I hesitated to poke back, just because of what it might say about me. I didn’t want him to get the wrong impression and thing I would just respond to a simple poke after just meeting someone.” She smiles, adding, “But I guess it was just meant to be.”

After the initial poke exchange, they pokes became more frequent. The two found themselves poking each other three to four times a day. Finally, Mr. Pewter couldn’t stand the tension anymore and asked her out through a Facebook message.

Mrs. Clear-Pewter said she wasn’t surprised. She expected this to happen. It was the next logical step after their intense poking.

On that first date, Mr. Pewter proposed. Mrs. Clear-Pewter again wasn’t surprised, claiming, “When you’re that serious about somebody on Facebook, you know it has to be something special. I knew the moment I saw him and he jokingly poked my arm, he was the one for me.”

Three weeks later, and three months after the initial Facebook poke, the two were married. They, of course, immediately changed their Facebook status and Tweeted about the ceremony on their way to the reception.

“The digital age is speeding up everything. We just found out Hailey’s pregnant, and we’re only expecting about three months of pregnancy before that baby’s out,” Mr. Pewter says.

They, of course, already have a Facebook account set up for their unborn child.

Facebook “pirate talk” option makes pirates finally feel like part of the online community

Frownin’ Hank Morgan wears a bit of a toothless smile these days underneath his greasy, thick beard. Morgan, a life-long pirate, pillager, and overall chaos-causer, has made over 500 friends on Facebook since April, thanks to the Facebook pirate talk option. Even for this interview, Morgan had to speak through his translator, Ms. Penelope Muffet, to ensure more effective communication.

Morgan growled a long, low tone, licked his lips and burped. Ms. Muffet quickly translated his message, “Mr. Morgan is very excited about this new application on Facebook. He is constantly meeting and interacting with people all over the seven seas, but he feels a little disconnected. It can be disheartening to aways be making and losing friends.” Morgan has recently put his engagement to his long-time girlfriend online for the world to see. His new profile proudly states he is ‘Betrothed to the swashbuckler Smilin’ Azriel Smithe’. He screamed loudly and stabbed a knife into the wooden table he was sitting at. Ms. Muffet added, “He feels like he’s finally part of a community.”

Facebook, the online social networking site, has opened its doors to many people over the years, with hundreds of language options available at the push of a button. After huge demand from the pirate community, wanting a place online to call their own, they added the option of English (Pirate), in which the entire site translates to pirate code. Within weeks of its implementation, hundreds of pirates were pillaging a new spot…the world wide web.

Speaking again on Morgan’s behalf, Ms. Muffet assures us that pirates are highly intelligent, highly trained people who want to be a part of the online revolution. Their very distinct language and sentence structure makes it hard to learn new languages. With limited language skills, it can be hard to join the mainstream culture. Facebook has changed all that for Morgan and many of his peers. Morgan punched one man and spit in another’s soup. Ms. Muffet added, “They are, in their own way, extremely grateful.”

Facebook Instant Messages

I don’t like when people send me messages on Facebook. I don’t know if you’ve recently gotten on the huge networking site, but there is a way to send people messages as long as they’re visiting the site, too. It’s not so much that I don’t enjoy conversations with the people, it’s more the fact that I feel like a Facebook Instant Message is more of a sneak attack. When I get on systems that are meant for messaging others-like the extremely popular AIM- I am using that service for the sole purpose of talking to other people. Sure, I’ve been guilty of the occasional chat-ignore or pretending that I’m busy and can’t talk when really I don’t want to talk to certain people, but for the most part if I sign into a chat service like AIM, I’m there to chat. Even Gmail is okay by me because I sign into Gmail to communicate with other people, and I only really have the emails of a few close friends so I don’t mind if they chat with me.

But Facebook is a different monster. When I get on Facebook, I have no intentions of having immediate chats with someone. In fact, my intentions are more to avoid the immediate chat and to go about communication in a more passive way. I write on your wall, you write me back, I may or may not choose to write you back…etc. Maybe once in a while the occasional Facebook message (the tradition Inbox kind) where I can tell you exactly why I’m writing you, what I want, and you can respond whenever you feel like it without me assuming (or knowing) you’re ignoring me. You can take more time in what you think, say, and write.

I guess what it boils down to is I feel like Facebook Instant Messages are like someone jumping out a bush at you and assuming you want to make conversation just because you’re out in public. It jolts me, scares me, and if I had virtual mace, I would virtually mace you.