Britney Spears promises next song will not have sexual undertones

After a slew of songs that are all based around one single message and theme-sexuality-Britney Spears has promised to reinvent herself yet again. She claims to want to appear wholesome to the American public again, and to send a positive message to the millions of young girls who listen to her music and support her career.

The change came about after Spears’ latest hit singles, “If U Seek Amy” and “3”, barely try to hide anymore that her underlying message is sexual. These songs parallel her stage outfits which also barely try to hide, well, anything on her body.

Spears’ claims to have realized that she is in a position of influence on American culture and wants to use her power to make good. She says next time she’s in the recording studio repeating a few lines over and over to a techno beat background, she will attempt for those lines to be wholesome. Or at least neutral. No sexuality at all.

With Spears’ celebrity power and the millions of dollars she commands every performance, it could mark an incredible shift music industry standards.

Britney Spears already admits lying about most recent promise

After claiming she would attempt to be wholesome for the first time in her career, Britney Spears has now reneged on her promise to not have sexual undertones in her songs. She said simply, “Yeah, my agent said it would be a good PR stunt if I told y’all that. No way I’m gonna do it though.”

At her follow up press conference, Spears was wearing nothing but three strategically placed maple leaves. She did a pole dance, shimmied, and made small screams and wink at all reporters-male and female.

Waiter of lower than average intelligence elated to learn mechanism named after him

Peter Webster is a hard-working man who has been a part of the food industry his entire working career. He began working at a fast food chain when he was 14 years old, worked his way up to manager, and eventually began at a local restaurant as a waiter. Waiting tables, Webster really found his niche.

“I am really patient and good a listening to people. I can also write and read a menu. I am a good waiter,” Webster explains.

Most of his peers and customers are kind and sweet to Webster, understanding that he may take a little longer to process information, but he is all in all a fabulous worker. On occasion, however, both peers and customers would call him-in a frustrated rage- a “dumb waiter.”

Though he has been always been aware that he was a bit slower than many of his peers, it was never an issue that caused him to become self-conscious. Webster knew his role within the restaurant community, and he knew other people, who were maybe a bit smarter than he, would fulfill other roles.

Webster’s world was rocked on Monday, however, when he discovered that there was an actual mechanism named after him. While riding in the elevator in his apartment building, he began to read a sign posted by the buttons that he had never seemed to notice before. The sign talked about the status of a “dumb waiter,” a phrase Webster had heard all too often associated with his name.

He was elated.

He called up his mom, dad, and boss and immediately explained the good news. His hard work had finally paid off because somebody he didn’t even know was naming a working mechanism after him. He was, after all, a working mechanism himself.

Since the discovery, Webster has found an extra bounce in his step where there once was a bit of a lag. He has found patience with both customers and peers who may get frustrated with him. And, on the rare occasion somebody calls him a “dumb waiter,” he smiles at them knowingly, often winks at them, and says, “That is correct. I’m willing to sign any autographs or take pictures if you like.”