Warning: Expect Delays Ahead

delaysFair warning: I have been a little inundated with tons of stuff on the plate. I do this to myself, but usually I can handle it all and keep up the productivity.

I have guests in town right now. My parents. Not just normal guests. My parents. I call it #ParentalDownpour. I’m noting it all on Facebook. It’s pretty amusing. For everyone else. It’s VERY REAL for me.

Anyway, as a result I’ve been spending more time focusing on hanging with my family and not being super productive. Still productive, but not super-productive.

All this to say… the regularly scheduled Femoir: The Podcasts are gonna be behind for a while. It’ll be about a bit before I get back to them. The expected return date is August 19th. I hope to do a marathon night so I can queue up a whole bunch so this doesn’t happen again.

Until then, there are 67 total episodes you can catch up on. Have you listened to them all? I didn’t think so. So how about you hold up your end of the bargain and use this time to catch up on all the wacky ramblings and the sillies I put out for you every week, and I’ll hold up my end by promising to return to your ear very soon.

That sounded weird. But I’m gonna go ahead and leave it.

I’m in your ear. Deal.

My Daddy Issues

It’s Father’s Day on Sunday. For Mother’s Day, I wrote a blog about my wonderful momma. I mentioned possibly writing something like that for my daddy. He insisted I don’t. Because that’s how he is. But I’m going to do something similar anyway. Because I do what I want. And he knows that better than anyone.

So here’s a list of 13 Amazing Things (in honor of Friday the 13th) my father has done and continues to dodaddy.

  1. My dad likes to say how when I was born, I stopped crying when he held me. He says I had this look in my eyes of, “So this is my new servant who will serve my every whim…. Excellent…”
  2. To this day, my father maintains I never cried as a child. My mom claims I didn’t stop crying until I got tubes in my ears because I was in constant pain. My dad insists she’s making it up.
  3. I had a ton of stuffed animals when I was growing up. I used to come home from school when I was younger and see that they had been up to lots of shenanigans while I was gone- power struggles, detailed room takeover strategies taped inside miniature manila folders, etc. I had to come home and save them.
  4. When I couldn’t sleep, I used to dramatically flop around the house making frustrated noises because I didn’t like being the only one awake. My dad would come in and tell me stories and keep me company until I would fall back asleep. He would make the stories up on the spot and they were often so interesting that he’d go on for a long time hoping to lull me to sleep only to have me quietly insist he keep talking because I was so entertained.
  5. I had recurring bedtime story characters with unique perspectives who would go on all sorts of adventures in the real world and return to their magical land to tell tales to the other magical creatures. All of which he would make up on the spot.
  6. When I was in middle school, my dad packed my lunch and every day included games and puzzles he’d come up with the night before for me and my friends to entertain ourselves while eating. He continues to pack my mom’s lunches for work. And usually prepares her dinner, too. And puts a napkin on her lap so all she has to do is sit and eat her warm meal. He often does the dishes, too. (Don’t get me wrong- my mom works hard, too. Dad is just willing to cater to her every need and what woman in her right mind wouldn’t take advantage of that?)
  7. We got to travel to Germany and Denmark together. One day in Denmark, we sat in the square and had a few too many (highly potent beers) and considered getting tattoos. Luckily, we decided to get dinner instead. Halfway through, we both realized what a terrible idea that would have been.
  8. I’ve made him love rap and hip hop music as much as I do. He’ll play hardcore rap with the windows down on the way to his government job because he’s the most bada$$ accountant and auditor in all the land.
  9. I have a few make-believe personalities, including a woman who’s convinced she’s an alien.  When I talk to most people about that, they’ll look at me like I’m a weirdo and change the subject. My dad and I have long debates about the people on her home planet and their actual intentions behind sending this woman to Earth.
  10. He makes games out of everything. We would listen to songs and change what they might be talking about so it would go from sweet to hilarious. Here is an example of that type of thinking years later in action. We would also say “The next song is about you!” and no matter what it was we’d have to describe why it was like us. Sometimes, he’d pretend the trees on the side of the road were talking to me and I’d talk back and we’d have long conversations about what it’s like to be a tree and where I was headed or whatever the trees felt like talking about that day.
  11. When it snowed or was freezing, he would go out and clear off the snow and ice and warm up every person in the house’s car before he went to work so we wouldn’t have to do it ourselves.
  12. While many of my friends are becoming doctors and lawyers and doing more traditional and stable jobs, he couldn’t be prouder of my own choice in career. He always tells me “the world needs more artists” and reminds me how proud he is of me and how exciting it is to be creative.
  13. I get a good morning and goodnight text every day.

This list could go on and on. These just scratch the surface.

I’m a writer/actress/comedian now. I think if you look at the list above, you can see where some of my highly active imagination, love of creativity, support and inspiration come from.

A lot of people seem to think women in entertainment must have some serious daddy issues. My daddy issue? Good luck living up to the most wonderful, loyal, creative, hard-working and hilarious man I know, buddy.

Love you, Padre. Happy Father’s Day.

PS-  Please send money.

Week Off

Last week, I did a very strange thing for me. I took a whole week off working.

To be fair, I love my work. I love to create. It’s how I relax. When I finally make it my career, I’m going to be the most uptight relaxed person you ever met.

But because I do work on so many projects and am constantly focused on performance and creating, it can make me distracted at times. And when I’m away from it and think there’s a lot I should be doing, I can get a little worked up.

So I made myself a promise to take the week off last week when I was at home visiting my family and friends for the holidays.

And let me tell you… it was great.

It’s easy to lose perspective when you’re totally engrossed in something. I think I had lost a little perspective in my own world. And by forcing myself to not constantly produce, I got to breathe a little deeper and enjoy the present moment even more.

But most importantly, I got to just hang out with my family without anything else on my mind.

Sure. After Christmas when everyone was just relaxing by themselves, I may have done a little organizing for our upcoming Other Client List shoot. But I wasn’t working hard. Just a lil. And just because it’s relaxing.

And rest assured, after about 20 minutes, I joined my dad in the living room and drank cheap wine and watched terrible network TV.

And it was awesome.

Support: Not just for your bra

I’m a lucky lady. I know what I love to do and I get to do it every day. And I get to do it because I have an incredible system of support around me. And I’m extremely grateful for it. And want to take a moment to recognize it.

I’m a firm believer it’s always important to take time to be grateful for those around you who give you support, and in turn to support the people you care for. But this concept has especially been on my mind in the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombing.

Terror causes tragedy no matter how it’s spun. But one of the elements of the Boston attack that is most tragic for me is the fact that so many of the people critically injured (and two of the people killed) were there to support the runners. They were people who got out of bed that morning just to cheer people on. As  a person who started consistently running half marathons, I cannot emphasize enough how important the people who come to cheer the runners on are. There have been plenty of times when I feel like crap and wonder what the hell I’m doing running for no apparent reason and just want to stop when a stranger on the sidelines will smile and say “Good job! You got this!” and I’ll think “Yeah, okay, I can do this…just keep going…” through to the finish. It’s so easy and simple to give support. And it can make a world of difference.

I want to take a moment to recognize how lucky I am to have my own awesome support systems.

I have a hunky boyfriend who comes to all my races and waits for two hours at the finish line just to say “Good job” and get attacked by my sweaty, tired mess of a self. He goes through jokes after my stand up sets and helps me analyze why some worked better than others. He helps me create workout plans while I’m eating a pizza and saying I want to be in better shape. And he does a million other things that give me a sense of stability in this constantly changing world.

I also have incredible family and friends. My family is always cheering me on and telling me they’re proud of me. I talk to my parents constantly and they’ve bailed me out of sticky situations when I need it. They’re also doing a million things that give me a sense of stability in this constantly changing world.

I have inspiring, hard-working friends who push me to better myself while giving constant unconditional support. They celebrate my wins and help me to get over losses and also help bail me out of sticky situations (I should probably stop getting into sticky situations). The constant support and inspiration they provide also gives me a sense of stability in this constantly changing world.

I have a great, low-stress, fun job that I’m good at that helps me to pay for the high expenses of LA while giving me total flexibility to pursue my passion. I have an employer who lets me try out jokes on him, has no problem with the myriad of characters I take on any given day, and comes to almost every show and buys tickets for anyone else who wants to come just so I can have a good audience to perform for. These gifts, among other things… yep, you guessed it- give me a sense of stability in a constantly changing world.

I’m not sharing all this to brag about how great my life is. Everyone has their struggles and their rough times. I guess I’m writing as a thank you to those people who support me. And people who support others everywhere. If we take the time to recognize and be grateful for the people around us who give our lives more joy and meaning, then we can better be that person to others. And it can give a little more positive perspective on an otherwise darker situation.

Take a look around you in your own world. I guarantee there are people around you who are proud of you. There are people who want you to help you. There are people who want to celebrate with you. And there are definitely people who will help bail you out of sticky situations (which I don’t suggest you get in, but can attest that you will survive).

So thank you, my lovely support people. Thank you, strangers who give support to people you’ve never met. And thank you, universe, for occasionally giving us a chance to reflect on that gratitude, soak it in, and send it back out for the rest of the world.

How do we remedy a dark situation? Choosing to shine our light into it.

Thanks for indulging me in this post. Back to the poop jokes stat.

After days of mooching and feasting, woman on budget is thrown back into reality

For Rachel Krose, the holiday season means more than spending time with friends and family. It also means she will likely be given free food from her loved ones, a special treat she looks forward to every year.

As an actor who works paycheck to paycheck, Krose is constantly attempting to make ends meet and have all her bills paid. Often, the first thing that she neglects when her funds are especially low, is her food. “You’d be surprised how much better rice and beans are when you add a little salt, pepper, and cumin,” Krose explains. “It’s gourmet.”

That’s all forgotten, however, when it’s time for the holidays. The generosity of her friends and family leave her belly extremely full and her tongue feeling like it’s been attacked with a nuclear bomb of taste and excitement.

That is, until, she returns to her regular budget and regular food. In the three days of feasting that surround the holidays, Krose seemed to have forgotten what it’s like to eat the same foods every day and pretend they taste good.

“Maybe cumin doesn’t add as much as I thought it did…” Krose adds, with a touch of sadness in her voice.

The transition back to budget-based meals has been a difficult one, but Krose is optimistic, saying, “I just have to make it until the end of December. Then I get good food again!”

When asked what she was going to do after December, she looked off into the distance quietly for a moment. And then, as if convincing herself as much as anyone else, she said, “I’m going to love the —- out of my rice and beans.” She nodded furiously, repeating, “I love rice and beans.”

Woman not ashamed to coo at cellphone in public

Beatrice Winters is a proud new owner of the latest version of Apple’s iPhone, and she is not afraid to show it off. Her new phone, which she has named Elana, has become the light of her life.

Admitting that she may pay attention to it more than neccesary, Winters claims she is not ashamed to show the world how she feels about her new phone. After all it is her “baby.”

In fact, while she was recently commuting to work on public transit, Winters found herself cooing at the phone, like it were an adorable newborn baby that demanded love and attention. She quickly caught herself and hesitated for a moment, and then decided she didn’t care what others thought.

“I love my Elana,” she said. “I express it in a very distinct way, and I’m happy to share that love with the world.”

When reminded that Elana was simply a cellphone, and not actually a child, Winters covered the earpiece on the iPhone. Whispering angrily, she simply said, “Do not talk about her like that. She’ll get fussy and throw a temper tantrum and then I’ll have to reboot her and things will get ugly.”

Other than the occasional reboot, Winters could not be happier with her new, purchased, digital daughter. She adds, jokingly, “I’m just not looking forward to her teenage years!” She laughs to herself almost uncontrollably as she holds Elana close.