Crop Top

crop topI never thought I could pull off a crop top. I mean, look at this guy. I don’t look like him!

Growing up, I was always most self-conscious about my stomach. It’s where I hold most of my weight. It’s the last thing to start toning out when I am getting in shape. I’m not shaped like a tiny slender stomached chick. I’m more athletic (when at my best) so only making major cuts and really going out of my way to work it make a difference.

I’ve gone on about this before.

But as I’ve gotten slowly more confident with my body and pushed the limits of my own shape… I’ve ventured out in my dress too. I’ve actually worn crop tops on occasion.

I feel so naughty for even admitting it! AH!

I’m from Indiana. We don’t wear crop tops there. I certainly never wore them or even considered such a dramatic clothing choice. But I’ve slowly let the land of the people who are more bold and confident with their body and clothing seep into my own thinking. I’m not saying my shirts are that short… but sometimes a little tummy can peek out. And I don’t get self-conscious. And I’m proud of that. Not because I look like a photoshopped fitness model. But because I look good. And I work on it.

But more importantly, I work constantly on being ok with me. So if that means wearing modest crop tops without embarrassment because they make me sort of feel like a rockstar, so be it. Bring on the scissors. I’ve got a tiny sliver of stomach to let peep out.

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Paper Towel Headband

sweet styleLast week at the gym, I saw a lady get creative. She took a bunch of paper towels out of the dispenser, tied them together and wrapped them around her head like a sweatband.

I assume this would work. The towels would absorb the sweat.  A little bit. Assuming the knot she tied stays and she only sweats for about five minutes.

While I think it was a creative idea if you forget your sweatband at home, I think just keeping a paper towel around to wipe your face off as it sweats would be just as efficient.

She just looked pretty silly. That’s all.

And I’m all about silly. 

So I guess what I’m saying is… I’m jealous she thought of it first.

 

“Make it walk”: Project Runway slip up leads to new challenge for designers

“Make it work” has become Tim Gunn’s famous catchphrase from the Bravo hit designer show, Project Runway. Several times an episode, the co-host and fashion expert becomes overly concerned about a designer’s ability to finish the project they were given in the proper amount of time in order for it to be ready. His eyebrow raises and he huffs, “make it work,” melodically as if his conversation helped the designer in an already stressful challenge situation.

However, during last week’s episode Gunn slipped up. Rather than uttering the phrase that has made him famous, he raised his eyebrow and accidentally said, “make it walk.” There was a pause between he and the designer. Gunn took a moment and simply said, “You know what I mean,” and walked on.

The slip up caused such a commotion amongst both the designers and those who watch the show religiously, that the next episode brought a completely new challenge for each designer. They were tasked with actually making their clothes into creatures that could walk. For this special challenge, they were given a bit extra time. They had 36 hours.

They were tasked with creating life. And life that met a certain standard of beauty.

The episode was a disaster as every single designer failed to create clothing that could walk on its own. The show’s host and star, Heidi Klum, turned her German accent on thick as she talked about how disappointed she was.

“Creating life is not that difficult, people,” she said. “From the time I found out about the challenge to today, I have already gotten pregnant and had a child who can walk down the catwalk flawlessly.” She shook her head disappointed in each of the designers, adding, “It’s not that difficult.”

“There is nothing wrong with the idea of infusing life into clothing,” Gunn said. “If there were, I wouldn’t have come up with it in the first place.”

After a disappointing 36 hours, it will be interesting to see where the rest of the season goes.

All socks accounted for after tumultuous laundry excursion

For James Reedy, the thought of doing laundry again sickened him. It had been almost a full month since his last difficult trek to the facilities in his building’s basement, and his pile of dirty clothes had been ominously growing over the past week.

After finally accepting that another trip to the laundry room was inevitable, he grabbed the necessary supplies, took a deep breath, and headed to the room.

It was no surprise to Reedy when he saw that one of the three washing machines available was broken. Nor was he shocked to see small creatures scurrying about the room, poorly attempting to hide themselves before they were squished.

What Reedy hated seeing were the orphaned socks lying all around the room, left lonely and forgotten by several different owners. The sight made his heart drop. He held back tears as he carefully placed all his clothes-socks included-into the functioning washers. As he went back upstairs, he attempted to forget the disturbing images of the socks lying strewn about. But they were, admittedly, hard to shake.

“I just kept thinking, how could anyone forget their socks and not come back looking for them?” Reedy explained. “It’s appalling.”

When the necessary time came, Reedy reentered the messy area and carefully transferred his clothes to the one functioning dryer.

“I always check two or three time to make sure none of my clothes are left in the washer or accidentally fell on the floor,” he explains. “I scan extra hard for my socks.”

Between the several trips up and down his stairs, the transferring of the clothes from the hamper to the washer then the dryer then back to the hamper, and finally the folding process-there are plenty of opportunities to lose the smallest members of his personal laundry. Reedy is guilty of losing clothes in the past.

“I’m not proud of it,” he admits, his lip quivering slightly. He recounts the story of when he wasn’t as careful with this things, and how he would always find he was missing a sock or two when he was finally done with his laundry. His shame, he claims, would keep him from returning to reclaim his property.

After waiting patiently for his clothes in the dryer to be fully dry, Reedy took his load back upstairs to begin folding. For him, this is the “moment of truth.” It is when he finds out what kind of leader he truly is for his clothes who trust him to take care of them.

As he matches the final two socks together, Reedy breathes a sigh of relief. “I made it this time,” he says with a smile. “This time.”

Stretched out sweat pants make fat girl feel skinny

Dolores May has always been big boned. She grew up with a particular affection for both pasta and sweets, which quickly resulted in a more curvaceous body than her peers.

For years, May struggled with what to wear to make herself feel like those around her. She loved the feeling of buying her clothes a little bigger so she could pretend they were older and that she had lost weight. She much preferred this feeling to wearing a pair of jeans that did not properly stretch around her full figure and showed off the non-delicious kind of rolls and muffin tops.

Last Saturday, however, May discovered that if she wore a pair of stretched out sweat pants, she felt like she was as skinny as Lindsay Lohan during her drug and partying days.

This feeling was extremely exciting and liberating for May, who has searched so long for that perfect article that will make her feel like a skinny girl.

Since the discovery, May has worn nothing but stretched out sweat pants. She wears them at home, at work, and-of course-at Wal Mart. She even saw people taking pictures of her and saying she’d be a star online. She knew it was because she looked so skinny and svelte in her favorite pants.

Though she has yet to take tangible steps towards achieving the goal, May has discussed starting up a plus-sized clothing line known for pre-stretched sweat pants. She has also thought about losing some weight.

Tight black pants not found to be universally slimming

Despite their normally flattering color and typically slimming effect, a new study has shown that not all people who wear black tights will make them look good. In fact, there is a segment of the population that, when wearing black tights, will actually look more unattractive than if they had chosen almost any other pant option.

The study, conducted by the Center for Ugliness Prevention, CUP, showed that if a person were about 30-70 lbs too heavy for their frame, the black tights were most likely to have an adverse effect on their overall look.

The biggest surprise of the CUP study is the fact that people up to 30 lbs overweight, can still actually look good in the black tights if they have any definition in their legs. Anything at 30 lbs or more, however, has an opposite effect for the viewer. The study shows people tend to stop and stare more, often wondering why a person that big would choose to wear such tight clothes.

CUP issued a public service announcement with their latest findings, asking people who are overweight to shy away from wearing black pants any more and assuring them once and for all that they do not look nearly as good in them as they may think.

Hipsters whine about permeating lack of style from chain clothing store

Several hipsters, sporting uneven, funky hairstyles and chain smoking organic cigarettes, were found complaining about the lack of style from the people who surrounded them in downtown Chicago on Friday morning.

The hipsters, who do not often leave their normal, alternative surroundings, were in need of a serious commoner bash-session, and desperately walked into a chain clothing store. The group immediately regretted their decision.

“These clothes look like oppression,” commented one of the lead hipsters. He added, “I can’t believe I thought about paying money to the man who will inevitably keep the status quo in check and make my life more miserable than it already is.”

To make matters worse, the hipsters claim that the treatment of the workers towards them was below average. As another hipster explains, “It’s because we’re different and unique and not scared to be ourselves. We know we each look completely different, even if you can’t see the difference when you’re looking at our whole group. We’re totally individual in our own non-conformist conforming way.”

This particular group of hipsters is well known for frequenting a local hipster shop that charges exorbitant amounts of strange-looking clothing. They are adamant that the clothing is the best in the city because of it’s home-grown materials. Much like their approach to modern art, they blame other patron’s lack of sophistication about clothing for not enjoying the peculiar style of the local store.

The hipsters will likely be frequenting a few more chain clothing stores to complain before retiring to their normal hang outs to recharge their haughty arrogance amongst like-minded folks.

Chunky, thick glasses as unflattering in 2000’s as they were in 1980’s

With trends from the 1980’s making a strong comeback all over the fashion world, one truism seems to stand out from the rest. Thick-rimmed, chunky, oversized glasses are as unflattering to the normal human face now as they were in the 1980’s.

As scientist and researcher David Egan explains, “The issue at hand is that the typical human face shape has not changed nearly enough in the past two decades as would be necessary to make those glasses look good.”

He referred to his plotted a chart of how the human face has changed throughout evolution, and made note of the fact that there has been only insignificant change over the past two decades. Not nearly enough, he claims, to finally make those glasses look good on anyone. “Maybe in the next few thousand years, the trend can make a comeback and people might not look as stupid as it does now. But, we could luck out and have a series of nuclear meltdowns, causing the human form to change much more quickly and future generations to stand a better chance of making that style look good. We just never know.”

When asked if he thought humans would ever be able to look good in the 80’s trend of “grill” glasses with colorful but strips across the eyes, he answered a firm, “No. Never. Those will always look idiotic. No matter what. Period. People should stop wearing them as soon as possible.”

Michelle Obama wears long-sleeved dress inciting conceal and carry debate

In a recent event, Michelle Obama was seen wearing a long-sleeved dress, covering up her muscular arms, often referred to as her ‘guns.’ Mrs. Obama, who has often come under scrutiny for showing her arms, created controversy by wearing a dress that covered, though clearly showed, her bulging biceps and terrifying triceps.

Many onlookers became nervous knowing that she had such dangerous weapons simply covered by a silky sheer dress. “I feel like if you’re going to have those things around, at least have them out in the open so we’re not all wondering if something is going to set her off and she’ll whip those things out and scare us all,” said Tom O’Conner, an innocent bystander.

Dwight Earl is one of the local heads of ‘We Luv Gunz’, an organization dedicated to getting more guns into the world in all capacities. He weighed in on the controversy by saying, “I think it’s great when Mrs. Obama shows off her guns and even better when she hides them. She’s finally mainstreaming our issue with every fashion choice she makes. It’s fabulous.” He quickly added, “I didn’t just say fabulous. Don’t quote me on that. No, seriously. Do not put that in the story or I will hunt you down.”

On an editorial tangent, I will be taking a slight break from writing these stories so I can change addresses, names, and citizenship.