FroYo Friend

Last weekend an old man and I had the same idea.froyo

Slow down there, buddy. Keep it G-rated.

I went to the gym and was lifting my tookus off. I have to go really hard on the days I do go because I’ve been so busy lately, I can only get there 3-4 days per week. So I have to make each workout count.

While I was there, a trainer with an older man came by and was looking for a weight. I knew the weight was hidden behind the rack because I saw it and I giggled about it earlier. I pretended the weight was scared of everyone and was playing an epic game of hide and seek.


Anyway, I ratted the weight out and told the trainer where it was. He said thank you. The guy he was training didn’t look happy with me. I guess he was enjoying his rest time.

I didn’t think more about it- except I did realize the trainer was exactly like a popular stand up showcase producer in town so then I giggled more to myself picturing this comedian in his suit at the weight room trying to get people to come to his shows while lifting weights. So I giggled some more and finished up my workout.


…like I was saying, I finished my workout then worked for a while at home. Then I decided to treat myself to a relaxing walk and some delicious frozen yogurt (aka FroYo for the SoCal doucheys).

I go to my usual joint, get my usual three sample cups (one more than customary because I’m a rebel), and start my usual sampling of all the flavors before I get the same flavor and put so many toppings on it, it doesn’t even matter.

And who do I see?! The old man who was working with the trainer earlier in the morning! He had the same idea I did for the day! Go to the gym then eat all (and more) of it back with froyo later in the day!

It’s a small, small world. Filled with fat, fat people.

Strange Taste

I have a weird palette. Aside from my sweet tooth, I actually really like healthy foods. Usually more than their less healthy counter parts.

I prefer steel cut oats with a little agave to Quaker Oats with sugary flavoring and maple syrup. I prefer two poached eggs with a little garlic to buttery fried eggs with tons of cheese. I prefer a tuna to pasta. I prefer salads to sandwiches.

I love juices and smoothies. I don’t like fast food. I don’t like hash browns but I love baked yams. I love the taste of wheatgrass. I sip it like a nice martini instead of taking it like a shot.

I don’t know if I’ve cultivated these tastes from years of watching what I eat and researching the benefits of healthy food, or if I just lucked out in the taste department and happen to prefer the stuff that’s good for my body. Either way, it serves me well.

Unless I’m hormonal. When I’m hormonal, I only want salt and vinegar potato chips and mountains of chocolate. But when I’m hormonal, I also prefer men who figure skate and talk feelings to my usual muscly caveman grunty type. So I’m not exactly myself.

Jokes from the Week of November 10, 2011

Kim Kardashian is working with Tyler Perry on his latest film “The Marriage Counselor,” just a few weeks after her divorce from her husband of 72 days Kris Humphries. Though many think the reality star will not transition easily into traditional acting, most sources close Kim confirm the has an excellent ability to act like she’s in love. So as long as her role involves courtship for attention, she’ll nail it.

The United States military is supposedly in talks with Kim Kardashian as a possible consultant on how to get out of serious commitments in record time.

Presidential contender and current Texas Governer Rick Perry had an embarassing public brain freeze during the Republican debate on Wednesday. Most onlookers weren’t upset by the gaff. In fact, the majority of the public was shocked to learn any of the candidates had brains in the first place.

I don’t like zombies and I don’t like politicians. But if I were a zombie, I would really hate politicians because they would literally provide no value for me.

Fitness Boot Camps have become really popular, now that the don’t ask don’t tell policy has been revoked. You can now stare angrily and jealously at your same-sex fitness buddy without any worry of getting kicked out of the class.

A revolutionary cancer drug is shown to cause rapid weight loss and improved metabolic function in its subjects. So, in order to cure the obesity epidemic, everybody get cancer quick!

Denmark implemented a so-called “fat tax” where they tax certain foods more depending on the percentage of saturated fat in the food. This is a surprising move from the country who’s most famous export is the Danish.

A health and safety agency is warning consumers that those little sets of strong building mini-magnets often given as gifts can be potentially fatal to children if swallowed. In an unrelated story, malt ball companies are looking to spruce up holiday sales of their candies by decorating them in metallic, silvery, winter colors.

Mariah Carey announced today that her twins have started eating solid foods. The beaming entertainer turned mom added, “The next step in their development is learning to count calories.”

Ashton Kutcher is giving up management of his Twitter feed after some controversy. Though many fans are upset by the move, Kutcher’s wife Demi Moore is said to be most upset since she will no longer be able to communicate directly to her husband.

A pregnant Jessica Simpson says she loves being pregnant and is already planning for more children. Most women agree that her mind will change after the actual act of childbirth.

Waiter of lower than average intelligence elated to learn mechanism named after him

Peter Webster is a hard-working man who has been a part of the food industry his entire working career. He began working at a fast food chain when he was 14 years old, worked his way up to manager, and eventually began at a local restaurant as a waiter. Waiting tables, Webster really found his niche.

“I am really patient and good a listening to people. I can also write and read a menu. I am a good waiter,” Webster explains.

Most of his peers and customers are kind and sweet to Webster, understanding that he may take a little longer to process information, but he is all in all a fabulous worker. On occasion, however, both peers and customers would call him-in a frustrated rage- a “dumb waiter.”

Though he has been always been aware that he was a bit slower than many of his peers, it was never an issue that caused him to become self-conscious. Webster knew his role within the restaurant community, and he knew other people, who were maybe a bit smarter than he, would fulfill other roles.

Webster’s world was rocked on Monday, however, when he discovered that there was an actual mechanism named after him. While riding in the elevator in his apartment building, he began to read a sign posted by the buttons that he had never seemed to notice before. The sign talked about the status of a “dumb waiter,” a phrase Webster had heard all too often associated with his name.

He was elated.

He called up his mom, dad, and boss and immediately explained the good news. His hard work had finally paid off because somebody he didn’t even know was naming a working mechanism after him. He was, after all, a working mechanism himself.

Since the discovery, Webster has found an extra bounce in his step where there once was a bit of a lag. He has found patience with both customers and peers who may get frustrated with him. And, on the rare occasion somebody calls him a “dumb waiter,” he smiles at them knowingly, often winks at them, and says, “That is correct. I’m willing to sign any autographs or take pictures if you like.”

After days of mooching and feasting, woman on budget is thrown back into reality

For Rachel Krose, the holiday season means more than spending time with friends and family. It also means she will likely be given free food from her loved ones, a special treat she looks forward to every year.

As an actor who works paycheck to paycheck, Krose is constantly attempting to make ends meet and have all her bills paid. Often, the first thing that she neglects when her funds are especially low, is her food. “You’d be surprised how much better rice and beans are when you add a little salt, pepper, and cumin,” Krose explains. “It’s gourmet.”

That’s all forgotten, however, when it’s time for the holidays. The generosity of her friends and family leave her belly extremely full and her tongue feeling like it’s been attacked with a nuclear bomb of taste and excitement.

That is, until, she returns to her regular budget and regular food. In the three days of feasting that surround the holidays, Krose seemed to have forgotten what it’s like to eat the same foods every day and pretend they taste good.

“Maybe cumin doesn’t add as much as I thought it did…” Krose adds, with a touch of sadness in her voice.

The transition back to budget-based meals has been a difficult one, but Krose is optimistic, saying, “I just have to make it until the end of December. Then I get good food again!”

When asked what she was going to do after December, she looked off into the distance quietly for a moment. And then, as if convincing herself as much as anyone else, she said, “I’m going to love the —- out of my rice and beans.” She nodded furiously, repeating, “I love rice and beans.”

Grocery stores will donate thousands of carts to homeless

This holiday season, in an effort to give back to the community, hundreds of grocery chains have promised to donate thousands of shopping carts to homeless communities throughout the country.

Representatives from both participating grocery stores and homeless communities are ecstatic. “It’s like cutting out the middle man,” says Rod Holder, general manager of one of the participating grocery stores. “It’s great to know that you’re really making a difference in someone’s life.”

One-eyed-one-legged fuzzy coat man, a representative of the homeless community, also expressed appreciation on behalf of his peers. “In donating these carts, you’re really cutting out the middle man for us, and we appreciate it,” he says. “It’s especially nice not to feel like you’re stealing during this time of year,” he adds.

The carts will allow thousands of homeless recipients to have a more convenient way of transporting their worldly possessions around the city. Holder and other grocery store managers, would often notice their carts in odd neighborhoods filled with trash bags full of gear. Rather than getting angry, he became compassionate and help out during the holiday season.

When asked if he would also donate food to homeless shelters, Holder began laughing and simply said, “Are you kidding me? That’d be way too expensive. And would only last for a few hours. These carts will last weeks, maybe even months!”

The homeless are grateful to receive the carts. Many expect to use it as a bartering tool for food and maybe even some dignity, since that’s what they truly crave most.

Subway worker makes new customers think old gloves are clean

Eric Raskins is a 22-year-old disgruntled worker at a local Subway chain in New York city. Even at the mention of work, he scoffs saying, “My official title is ‘Sandwich Artist’. Sandwich is a noun. It should never be used as an adjective. Even the title is b*******.”

Raskins, a senior English major at NYU, becomes quite frustrated at the stringent policies of the sandwich chain. A self-proclaimed rebel, he consistently finds little ways to break the company’s rules. His most common rebellion is refusing to change little plastic gloves between sandwich creations.

Raskins admits that this is small act is not exactly inciting a revolution, but he claims he really needs the job to help pay off his student loans, so he doesn’t want to do anything too rash.

By keeping the same old gloves on for three or four sandwiches in a row, he relishes in the fact that each new customer thinks he has on a clean pair of gloves. When, in fact, the gloves have already been pretty well used by the time the third person gets in line.

During particularly rebellious moods, he even leaves the gloves on while ringing up and exchanging money with the customer. And then-without changing gloves, of course-begins sandwich artistry with the next customer in line.

For Raskins, he really loves the idea that there are many vegetarians who have little traces of meat on their sandwich thanks to the unchanged gloves.

Much like a restaurant that cooks their meat on the same surface as the vegetable options for non-meat eaters, Raskins doesn’t seem to care at all the repercussions of his actions. “Maybe they’ll end up liking meat if they just get over it and try it,” he says, adding “Tree-hugging hippies.”

When informed that oftentimes traces of meat, when ingested by those who choose not to put meat into their bodies, can have really dramatic repercussions like indigestion, stomach aches, headaches, cramps and bowel problems, Raskins simply smiles and says, “Well, maybe I am starting a revolution after all. In some poor shmuck’s small intestine.”

After bad food poisoning, vegan feels betrayed by vegetables

It was a Sunday evening when Elaine Johnson had what she thought was a healthy meal. Elaine, a vegan, admits she can be particular about her meals. This specific meal consisted of rice, peppers, avocado and tomato all sauteed together for a somewhat flavorful concoction. A little over an hour later, she started to feel queasy and sick. A few hours later, she was throwing back up the meal in the middle of the night.

Johnson, who admits to having a couple bad spouts of food poisoning before turning vegan, claims to now feel betrayed by vegetables. She explains, “The few times I’ve gotten food poisoning before, it had been from eggs or a bad piece of meat. And now, here I am nervous about eating vegetables? It’s nerve-wracking.”

Though Johnson understands that the rice could have been the source of her stomach problems, she is still upset with the vegetables for not warning her or fixing the rice in her stomach so it wouldn’t make her sick.

“I had a lot invested in my vegetables,” she explains. “I love them. I defend them when people say they’re not tasty or that they’re boring or that you can’t survive on eating just them or whatever. I trusted them. And now…well, I don’t know who or what to trust.”

The incident was a rare and isolated one for the vegetable community, who declined to comment when asked about the food poisoning. They just sat in their refrigerator door looking shiny, delectable and dangerous.

Slowly but surely, Johnson has been reintroducing certain vegetables into her diet in order to survive.

“I can only hope that maybe someday we can learn to trust each other again and I can start eating food again,” Johnson adds. “I’m a vegan, for God’s sake. Vegetables are all I have.”

Vegans presence at barbeque makes meat-eaters uncomfortable

Neighbors in a local Chicago community, looking to enjoy the fall weather with a traditional cookout, were uncomfortable with the unexpected presence of a vegan.

The cookout hosts immediately looked around for something for the vegan to eat. When they offered fish, she denied it saying vegans don’t eat fish. When they offered egg salad, she denied it saying vegans don’t eat eggs. When they finally offered her an apple, she happily accepted.

Her two previous denials, however, upset many other cookout guests. Afraid they’d be offending her by eating their meat, they began to hide their burgers from her. She insisted that the gesture was worthless, claiming, “I don’t care what you eat. I just don’t want to eat one!” This logic was lost on the guests, though, who felt judged by the vegan because she didn’t join in the carnivore-y.

The vegan claimed she just wanted to be part of the community, saying, “I didn’t mean to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I just wanted to say ‘hi’.” She say this is a very common problem for her at many social outlets. The people around her don’t understand why she won’t eat the same things they are, and assume she is judging them for their choices. “I often get, ‘I’m sorry-does this bother you?’ when someone’s eating meat near me,” she says. “As long as they’re not feeding it to me, it doesn’t bother me at all.”

Despite her easy-going nature, the vegan still stands out at a barbeque like a sore thumb, a common occurrence for vegans everywhere. While others enjoy their grilled animals and snack foods, vegans are often found munching on pieces of fruit in the corner and trying not to look uncomfortable.

Perceptive child points out local man’s flaws to crowded restaurant patrons

Julia Walker is especially proud of her talkative 5-year-old Peter today. Peter, a mere child with limited vocabulary, was brave enough to point out the awful sight of an obese man who’s pants were not covering his entire backside as he sat and ate in a crowded downtown restaurant yesterday.

While Peter plays with a train in the corner, Walker recalls her son’s bravery. “We were all thinking how awful the sight of the top of the man’s hairy backside was, when my little Peter just yelled out ‘Mommy, mommy! That fat guys has an hairy, ugly butt! Look Mommy! I can push my choo choo train all the way down that hairy tunnel!’ Though I pulled him away from the man quickly, I was beaming with pride as the rest of the restaurant looked on.”

Walker is somewhat blunt and bold herself, but has learned over the years that there are many things she wishes she could say that social standards would not look highly upon. So, she has made sure her little Peter always speaks his mind, because, in her mind, children are allowed to be much more honest than adults in most situations.

This is not the first time Peter has been honest and open about pointing out other people’s flaws around him. He and his friends in kindergarten are well-known for always telling the teacher when she does something or looks out of the ordinary. They act as watch-dogs for the class, making sure every day is somewhat similar to the day before and that the teacher gives them some semblance of routine.

Though many people think it may be a phase associated with Peter’s age, his mother hopes it continues throughout his life. “I want to encourage Peter to always speak his mind, even if what he’s saying is unpopular or may hurt someone’s feelings. Sure, it may get him beat up once or twice in high school, but nothing’s cuter than the little rebel in the corner. He’ll get all sorts of girls-and they’ll only be the perfect ones. Anyone with flaws won’t get near him. And that’s what I want for my baby. Perfection.”

When asked what he thought about the whole incident, Peter looked up quickly from his train and simply said, “Your teeth are yellow.” His mother beamed, “See what I mean? You know you need to give up that coffee habit, but it takes someone with the bravery of my little Peter to let you know the rest of us notice, too.”

From the mouth’s of babes.