Cologne Incapacitation

I’ve said it before. I will say it again.5170609728_24be6c86ba_z

I know a body like the guy in this cologne ad requires a lot of time at the gym. I get it. And I thank you for your service to society by creating such sexiness.

But my god- I cannot breathe when you spray heaps of cologne on your body then begin to sweat it off at the gym. It becomes more potent than it already is without sweating. It is awful. I need to gasp for air.

Please. Please. Please, fellas. If you feel the need to be attractive at the gym, do so with an extra tight shirt or fitted spinning pants. Please… spare us with the cologne.

This is my last nice warning. The next time I write about this, shit will get real.

Thank you.

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Grandpa Fight

This happened. For real.

I was sitting on the leg press machine at my gym between sets. An old man approached me and asked if he could use the machine. I was between sets, so I said I was using it.

See, when you lift, you have to give yourself a little rest period between sets to let your muscles recover. This is usually the case. Sometimes people change it up depending on their specific goals, but usually you do a few sets of stuff and you rest between each one.

I was resting.

He asked to use the machine.

That’s what I told him.

He then yelled at me and told me because I had my phone in my hand (I don’t have a handy dandy phone holder to workout with… yet).

So I yelled back.

I’ve written about this before. I’m not the friendliest in the morning. I’m a bit edgy if I haven’t eaten breakfast (or written). Those things calm me down. I didn’t like the tone he was taking. So I sassed him back.

He was condescending me. As if to say I didn’t know what I was doing there. So I yelled back.

I also yelled because I wanted to make sure the people around knew he was being a dick to me. And because he’s an old man, so I didn’t know how good his hearing was.

I told him he could use it quickly after I finish my next set. And that I was indeed resting between sets. And that I know what the eff I’m doing on these machines.

He sat on a machine next to me and bitched with another old guy who said, “I leave my phone in the car when I workout.” I had taken my headphones out at this point to listen to them. After my set, I told his friend, “Every generation is different. Mine doesn’t judge. And you don’t need your phone with you. You’re retired and don’t listen to podcasts. So it’s understandable you wouldn’t have it with you.” His friend just smiled at me. He obviously didn’t expect me to fight back.

I’m a college educated, highly intelligent, strong-willed, hard-working woman who’s been taught to respect others and expect the same. I’m a different generation than the young women he grew up with. They had a different culture and different expectations. And I won’t just back down when being condescended to.

So I glared his friend down who darted his eyes after I told him off. And turned to glare to the old man as he used the leg press machine.

Then I got on and did twice what he did… just to make a point.

Again… all this could have probably been avoided if I had just had breakfast before working out.

…probably.

Needless to say, I’m not making new friends easily at my gym.

Glasses at the Gym

I wear contacts. I needs thems in mine eyes to make me see good. And to makes me sound like a pirate from Alabama. Both them things. Arrg y’all.

Once every thirty days I have to switch out my contacts for a new pair and in doing so, have to give my eyes a breather. And that’s when I wear my feminine, sparkly, girly glasses.

Every once in a while, glasses day coincides with a heavy lifting day at the gym. Which always makes me feel funky because I wear my feminine, sparkly, girly glasses and lift like a beast.

This happened the other day. My glasses actually fogged over at one point. I had to constantly take them off in order to wipe the sweat off my face. I felt like a professor. But also a superhero. Like Professor X, but without the wheelchair. Or the amazing mind controlling powers. Believe you me, if I had those mind powers I would have had plenty of the men in that weight room sitting there with their shirts off. And I would have given deodorant to the old man who kept using the machines before me.

Instead, I just looked silly wearing my glasses. Sillier than usual, that is.

Feisty

My very brave friend Shannon had me train her this morning at the gym.

I say she’s brave not because I’m an intense trainer (though that is true… I don’t like lazy and won’t let you do it). She’s mostly brave because it was 6:30 am and I had not had breakfast. And it was not my gym so I didn’t know where anything was. So I was a bit…ahem…cranky.

She was a good sport about it. She knows me well enough to read between my cranky words to get behind what I’m saying.

At one point, we had a little interaction with another woman in the free weights section. She wanted a weight I was using. The thing is… I was using it. She tried to argue this point with me. But the problem was…see…I was using it. And basic weight room etiquette is first come, first serve. You just wait until the person using your weights is done with all their sets before you use it. Especially if they’re mid-set. Using the weight in question. Like I was. Did I make that point clear?

She got a little snarky with me, so I gave her attitude back. Because, see, I was using the weight at the time so, no, I didn’t want to give it to her.

Luckily for her, I saw the actual weight I wanted to use had been returned to the rack (5 lbs heavier than what I was using, by the way…), so I said she could have mine and went to get the heavier. She said she only needed one. I told her I didn’t care how many she needed, I wasn’t using them anymore so just take whatever…I don’t care.

Shannon, seeing this interaction, let me know I’m getting a little “feisty” with her.  I’m aware that I’m not the most chipper person 1) At the gym 2) Without breakfast and 3) In the morning (let alone the lethal combination of the three). But there is a standard weight room etiquette. Some things are more forgivable than others. Asking someone to use your weight while you’re using it is just about the biggest faux pas you can make.

About five minutes later, I’m looking over at the girl who wanted the weight and she was doing her “exercises” with the worst form I’ve ever seen. Now, again, I recognize I’m a snob for form. I was lucky enough to be coached on a lot of exercises through sports and weight training in high school and been practicing on and off for years. I’ve studied enough to know that I’d rather do three reps with perfect form than 30 with shitty form because I know those three reps do more than anything else. Anyone who’s done one pilates session knows that focusing on form is the single most effective choice you can make in a workout.  Everything else will fall into place if you’re actually doing the exercise right.

Apparently, I made my disgust well known. Shannon claims I mumbled “She has the worst f***ing form I’ve ever seen. I don’t even know why the f*** she’s wasting her time right now or why the f*** she even need that weight, she’s doing herself absolutely no good and just taking up f***ing space in the weightroom where someone who knows what the f*** they’re doing could be…” or something like that. Maybe even more colorful.  For the record- I don’t remember saying it. But also for the record, it’s definitely what I was thinking so it wouldn’t surprise me that in my delirious and angry morning state I had no filter on.

Shannon reminded me again to “Calm down there feisty. Not everyone has as much training as you.” And she was right. But people can have common sense. If you look like a total idiot, you’re probably not doing yourself any good (see my previous post that tells you how I feel about the elliptical machine where you really look like an idiot). You’re likely doing more harm than good.

So do everyone a favor and before you get into the weight room with the big dogs and do your research. Look up some weight room etiquette. Bring a friend with you (like Shannon did) who knows their way around a weight room until you feel comfortable enough to be in there by yourself. And for the love of god, look up how the eff to do the exercises you’re attempting.

Otherwise, you’re going to hurt yourself. Or I’m going to hurt your feelings by cursing at you. Either way, you lose.

And- for the love of John, Paul, George, and Ringo- do not ask someone for their weight while they’re effing using it.

That is all. For now.