August 1- August 5 Headlines Jokes!

Enjoy.

Congress has finally reached a deal to raise the debt ceiling and avoid the US defaulting- for the first time in history- on it’s national loans. Republicans and Democrats were proud to tell their young constituents everywhere they they, too, were able to “raise the roof.”

In a recent British poll, Helen Mirren won the Body of the Year, beating out significantly younger competitors, including Jennifer Lopez. Mirren, who is in her mid-60s, is proud to finally bring some competition against Betty White for GILF of the Year Award.

A Florida Judge ordered Casey Anthony to return to Orlando to serve a year of probation from a previous check fraud conviction. Anthony is expected to spend a lot of time at Disneyworld…because it’s the happiest place on earth.

A church in Stockton, CA is offering Drive-Thru Prayers for people too busy to take a few moments and pray themselves. All heathens are guaranteed a free side of judgement.

A latex Casey Anthony mask sold on EBay for almost $1M this weekend. The mask is reportedly thought to have been purchased by Anthony herself, since she has only recently learned that a little bit of latex can keep away a lot of trouble.

A man in Vestial, NY caught a snapshot of what he claims is a UFO that he and at least 10 other people saw in their small town. When he told federal authorities about the sighting, they responded “What the hell is a Vestial, NY?”

A Texas man has invented a contraption that can make water out of air. Unfortunately for the man, his neighbors are convinced he’s the devil and have shunned him from all Bible studies in his local town.

PBS is revisiting the classic show “Mr. Rogers Neighborhood” with a new animated program hosted by a tiny cartoon tiger. The tiger will be changing the greeting from the original “Hi, neighbor” to a more accurate, “Hi, breakfast.”

Ashton Kutcher’s character on Two and a Half Men will be named Walden Schmidt, according to a CBS executive. Which, ironically, happens to be the name of Charlie Sheen’s left testicle.

A new Chinese study suggests that chewing your food more could make you feel more satisfied. Which finally answers the important, constant, age-old question of why Cookie Monster never seems satisfied.

A new Chinese study suggests that chewing your food more could make you feel more satisfied. So, you hear that third world civilians? It’s your own damn fault your hungry. You should be chewing your rations for longer and stop complaining about not being satisfied.

Anheuser-Busch unveiled a new design for its Budweiser beer, which will be available to the US this summer. Despite the new exciting design, the beer inside still tastes like the same crap.

Ukraine’s government has vowed to free all bears that are used for entertainment and often forced to drink alcohol. In a related story, Ukranian women everywhere are upset to be constantly mistaken for drunken bears at bars, and have recently taken up more facial and body waxing.

Facebook is now allowing parents-to-be to create personal profiles for their unborn children. Pedophiles everywhere are gearing up for some busy months ahead.

Facebook is now allowing parents-to-be to create personal profiles for their unborn children.

July 25- July 29, 2011 HEADLINE JOKES!

Kim Kardashian revealed she has psoriasis, a skin condition which manifests itself as red patches on her legs. She and her family are proud to announce this is the first disease the reality star has contracted that is not contagious.

Google+ has surpassed 20 million users in its short existence. Now that it’s popular, many hipsters are leaving the site already, complaining that they knew about it before it even existed.

Justin Howard (aka Nordic Thunder) won the US Air Guitar National Finals in Chicago last weekend. To celebrate, he talked to a real live woman.

Jay Cutler is reportedly no longer engaged to reality TV star Kristen Cavallari. Though both are remaining quiet on the issue, rumors suggest that Cavallari may have finally watched a Bears game from last season and changed her mind about Cutler.

Hot Doug’s, the Avondale hot dog restaurant that always has a line waiting for food, was forced to close on Saturday because of the rain water from Friday night. Sources claim Doug was afraid the water would cause hot dog shrinkage and ruin the reputation of his products.

The US Postal service is considering closing fourteen Chicago-area post offices. Many post office workers and hundreds of trolls that guard the mail in the back rooms are worried about finding new jobs if that happens.

A Glendale, CA man was hospitalized after attempting to remove a protruding hernia from his own body by using a butter knife this past week. He reportedly said it looked delicious.

MGD 64 Lemonade is being discontinued after low sales across the board. Miller Beer has formally apologized to the group of men hired specifically to pee in the bottles before packaging to improve the taste, and promises to help find them work in another department.

Researchers in Tanzania have created a serum that smells like foot odor to lure in and kill mosquitos in an attempt to control malaria and other mosquito-spread diseases. Frat boys everywhere are being recruited to help with the cause.

Jersey Shore reality star Pauly D will be joining Britney Spears “Femme Fatale” tour starting August 17. Britney fans are concerned that the move will make even Britney look trashy.

Jesse James and Kat Von D have called off their engagement. Yeah. I don’t give a shit either.

All five actors who played the children in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” will be reuniting for the first time in 40 years in Chicago this August. Apparently Veruca Salt insisted upon it saying, “I don’t care how, I want it now!” And after 40 years, the others finally gave in.