July 25- July 29, 2011 HEADLINE JOKES!

Kim Kardashian revealed she has psoriasis, a skin condition which manifests itself as red patches on her legs. She and her family are proud to announce this is the first disease the reality star has contracted that is not contagious.

Google+ has surpassed 20 million users in its short existence. Now that it’s popular, many hipsters are leaving the site already, complaining that they knew about it before it even existed.

Justin Howard (aka Nordic Thunder) won the US Air Guitar National Finals in Chicago last weekend. To celebrate, he talked to a real live woman.

Jay Cutler is reportedly no longer engaged to reality TV star Kristen Cavallari. Though both are remaining quiet on the issue, rumors suggest that Cavallari may have finally watched a Bears game from last season and changed her mind about Cutler.

Hot Doug’s, the Avondale hot dog restaurant that always has a line waiting for food, was forced to close on Saturday because of the rain water from Friday night. Sources claim Doug was afraid the water would cause hot dog shrinkage and ruin the reputation of his products.

The US Postal service is considering closing fourteen Chicago-area post offices. Many post office workers and hundreds of trolls that guard the mail in the back rooms are worried about finding new jobs if that happens.

A Glendale, CA man was hospitalized after attempting to remove a protruding hernia from his own body by using a butter knife this past week. He reportedly said it looked delicious.

MGD 64 Lemonade is being discontinued after low sales across the board. Miller Beer has formally apologized to the group of men hired specifically to pee in the bottles before packaging to improve the taste, and promises to help find them work in another department.

Researchers in Tanzania have created a serum that smells like foot odor to lure in and kill mosquitos in an attempt to control malaria and other mosquito-spread diseases. Frat boys everywhere are being recruited to help with the cause.

Jersey Shore reality star Pauly D will be joining Britney Spears “Femme Fatale” tour starting August 17. Britney fans are concerned that the move will make even Britney look trashy.

Jesse James and Kat Von D have called off their engagement. Yeah. I don’t give a shit either.

All five actors who played the children in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” will be reuniting for the first time in 40 years in Chicago this August. Apparently Veruca Salt insisted upon it saying, “I don’t care how, I want it now!” And after 40 years, the others finally gave in.

Earth considering returning to Pangea formation to avoid New Jersey having a shore

Mother Earth made a rare public statement yesterday morning, which shocked the nation. The famous entity, well-known for keeping a passive approach to dealing with humanity, finally spoke out about a phenomenon disturbing the planet.

And to most people’s surprise, it had nothing to do with global warming.

“I apologize for the types of creatures that have sprung up from the shoreline in New Jersey. Their existence and popularity is causing me such immense concern that I may return to my ancient Pangea formation in order to avoid the creation of more of these monsters.” The statement was short and to the point, yet it’s implications are chilling.

Clearly, the popular MTV show “Jersey Shore” is more disconcerting to Mother Earth than any pending imminent climate crisis. Despite the numerous meetings and summits on climate change and control, the earth has remained relatively quiet about the entire issue. It seems, however, that the popularity and rise of stars like “Snooki” and “The Situation” has caused the earth enough concern to threaten a cataclysmic change that could result in the death of millions.

When asked to comment on the issued statement yesterday, members of the “Jersey Shore” cast were too wrapped up in working out and tanning to respond.