It’s available now in Femoir: The Podcast form by clicking here or here!
This is what I do with my freetime!
ARE YOU PROUD OF ME!?
Please…someone be proud of me… please…
Tag: jokes
The Misfits
People talk a lot about community. Friends are your chosen family. Find your community. Birds of a feather. All that jazz.
My best friend is a water skiier and a jet pilot (and, clearly, a badass). When she’s around jet pilot people, she clearly fits in. When she’s around military, she’s one of them. When she talks about water skiing, she uses all the jibber jabber and knows all the terms and competitions and whatnot.
My mom loves to quilt. She has friends at all the fabric stores in Indianapolis. She goes with some of her friends to quilting shows. Her friends will discuss their latest projects and patterns and exciting quilting news. For them, there is such a thing.
I used to be somewhat envious of people’s communities. I’m a floater- and happy to be one. I never really had a set community. I’ve always had a few good friends who are clearly part of different set communities.
Then it occurred to me. I clearly do have a community. I’m one of the misfits. I’m a comedy misfit.
When I go to read thrus for the sketch show I do regularly, I’m with my people. I’m with a bunch of goofballs who make big character choices and are excellent at making words come to life for the sake of comedy.
When I go to the Groundlings for shows or workshops, I’m amongst a bunch of hilarious people who are all writing their own work and creating shows and characters. These are people who want to work in the industry and have successful careers. But also, they just want to make people laugh. Be silly. Be outrageous. Have fun.
When I’m at UCB, I’m with people passionate about improvising. People who speak the same jibber jabber lingo that I do. We admire the same actors. Know the origin stories of different improv philosophies. Talk about them nonstop. Love to perform even if it’s for three people in the worst place ever. And- the good ones at least- listen more than they talk.
And especially when I’m at stand up mics, I’m with my people. These are a bunch of comedians who are thoughtful about their days. They look around and observe the world. They take note of interactions they have with people. They write down ideas they think might be funny. They’re willing to be brave and vulnerable in front of audiences. Even the douchebag assholes who yell at you for not thinking they’re funny- they’re my people because they want to make you laugh. They’re as insecure about their works as I am, they just show it in a different (more aggressive- less likeable) way.
In fact, comedians are quickly becoming my favorite people. They’re the loners who are willing to show up to an awkward space with a bunch of strangers and say “HEY! LISTEN TO ME!” They’re willing to be terrible because they know it’s a long-term investment. They want to meet like-minded people to work with. They want to bounce their ideas off people but are willing to say “Nah, I wanna do it this way. Thanks though,” if they don’t like what you say. They craft their voice carefully. Every word, every movement, every intonation matters. They’re willing to say the same thing over and over again until it’s perfect. And every time they say it, they pretend it’s the first time they’re sharing it with an audience. And they’re excited to be sharing it. It’s as magical as anything else.
But most importantly, all these communities are filled with people as obsessed with making people laugh as I am. They’re not interested in being the funny friend in their group of friends. They’re interested in their group of friends being nothing but funny friends. And making people they’ve never met laugh.
It’s the best.
And I call them misfits because, let’s be honest, when your passion and self worth are dependent on the feedback from total strangers, there’s something wrong with you.
Plus, if you met most of the people I hang out with, you’d agree there’s something wrong with all of us. And we would agree with you.
They’re my wonderful little funny misfits.
And I love them.
Feeling HOT HOT HOT
I don’t know about you but I’m super stoked for the next podcast episode which should have been out Wednesday but will be out Saturday because that’s life.
I’ve been watching this video on repeat.
As a result, I’m waving a bunch of towels around my head wherever I go for the next week.
Next podcast theme: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
Though this next podcast will be focused more on the theme of transit, it’s worth mentioning that I LOVE THE AMAZING CLASSIC FILM. And you should, too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rd5dYQHoZS0
January 2012- A Few Good Jokes
Obama asked Congress this week for the power to consolidate several government agencies with overlapping authority and thereby reduce the power of the government. He’s said to have first gotten the idea after being bombarded with emails dealing with ‘shrinkage.’
Axl Rose was on jury duty for four days this week, saying it was ‘relatively painless.’ He also admit that the number of drugs he’s put into his body over the years have left him numb to all feeling, so that could be why he didn’t have any issues.
Many popular Wikipedia, Google, Craiglist and many other information sites protested an anti-piracy bill by making their content unavailable this week. Which means there will be one day this week where nobody will know anything about anything. Get ready.
California Governor Jerry Brown supported a $100 million dollar bullet train rail project this week. He is planning on paying for the project with monopoly money, since the state is completely bankrupt.
A woman gave birth on a New Jersey commuter train this week, with other passengers helping out in the process. Apparently, most of the other passengers were delighted at the event because they could identify-for the first time- the gooey substance on the seat next to them.
LA’s porn industry, which is an $8 billion dollar industry with 90% of it’s films created in the San Fernando Valley, is threatening to leave if state legislators follow through on a bill that requires the actors to use condoms in their films. If that move were to actually happen, the loss of revenue in the San Fernando Valley would make it impossible for anyone to purchase anything… especially not condoms.
The TSA issued an apology today to two elderly women who claimed they were inappropriately partially strip searched while flying to Florida. The agency also apologized to the TSA agent forced to strip search these women.
Former playmate turned reality star Kendra Wilkinson has been really open about her latest diet, one that consists of lots of nuts. Which is no surprise coming from a woman who’s entire career is built on her affinity for nuts in her mouth.
Kodak company has filed for bankruptcy marking the end of a technological era. And the beginning of a new pointless hipster trend.
Seal and Heidi Klum are getting divorced.. making it impossible to believe in celebrity true love anywhere.
Kim Kardashian has asked that people not call her 72-day marriage a to Kris Humphries ‘business decision.’ She emphasized, “It was also for pure publicity purposes.”
Miley Cyrus cut five inches off her hair. Which is arguably the most interesting choice the teen star has ever made.
Lego company’s a new line of Legos specifically marketed toward girls, with more slender figures and stylish clothes, are causing quite a controversy with critics saying the toys promote body dissatisfaction. Body-image experts are apparently worried girls everywhere will start to tape or even surgically meld their hands together to look more like the fingerless cupped hands of their plastic doll idols.
Jan 13-23, 2012 Some More Jokes!
Obama asked Congress this week for the power to consolidate several government agencies with overlapping authority and thereby reduce the power of the government. He’s said to have first gotten the idea after being bombarded with emails dealing with ‘shrinkage.’
Axl Rose was on jury duty for four days this week, saying it was ‘relatively painless.’ He also admit that the number of drugs he’s put into his body over the years have left him numb to all feeling, so that could be why he didn’t have any issues.
Many popular Wikipedia, Google, Craiglist and many other information sites protested an anti-piracy bill by making their content unavailable this week. Which means there will be one day this week where nobody will know anything about anything. Get ready.
California Governor Jerry Brown supported a $100 million dollar bullet train rail project this week. He is planning on paying for the project with monopoly money, since the state is completely bankrupt.
A woman gave birth on a New Jersey commuter train this week, with other passengers helping out in the process. Apparently, most of the other passengers were delighted at the event because they could identify-for the first time- the gooey substance on the seat next to them.
LA’s porn industry, which is an $8 billion dollar industry with 90% of it’s films created in the SFV, is threatening to leave if state legislators follow through on a bill that requires the actors to use condoms in their films. If that move were to actually happen, the loss of revenue in the SFV would make it impossible for anyone to purchase anything… especially not condoms.
The TSA issued an apology today to two elderly women who claimed they were inappropriately partially strip searched while flying to Florida. The agency also apologized to the TSA agent forced to strip search these women.
Former playmate turned reality star Kendra Wilkinson has been really open about her latest diet, one that consists of lots of nuts. Which is no surprise coming from a woman who’s entire career is built on her affinity for nuts in her mouth.
Kodak company has filed for bankruptcy marking the end of a technological era. And the beginning of a new pointless hipster trend.
Seal and Heidi Klum are getting divorced.. making it impossible to believe in celebrity true love anywhere.
Kim Kardashian has asked that people not call her 72-day marriage a to Kris Humphries ‘business decision.’ She emphasized, “It was also for pure publicity purposes.”
Miley Cyrus cut five inches off her hair. Which is arguably the most interesting choice the teen star has ever made.
Lego company’s a new line of Legos specifically marketed toward girls, with more slender figures and stylish clothes, are causing quite a controversy with critics saying the toys promote body dissatisfaction. Body-image experts are apparently worried girls everywhere will start to tape or even surgically meld their hands together to look more like the fingerless cupped hands of their plastic doll idols.
December 16, 2011 JOKES!
Britney Spears is engaged to her long-time boyfriend and former manager, a stable man with whom she’d has been extremely happy. Based on Spears’ previous taste in men, experts are giving this union 10-14 days.
Kobe Bryant’s wife is filing for divorce after 10 years of marriage. The woman who notoriously stood by his side during allegations of assault and adultery cited “irreconcilable differences” for their reasoning. Turns out someone finally explained to her what assault and adultery actually mean.
Scarlett Johansson publicly complained about the use of her nickname “ScarJo” saying she didn’t understand how people would be so lazy as to not say her full name. Geez, ScarJo, don’t u know like airybody abbrev’s now? Who’s got time to say full names anymre?
Rob Kardashian is launching a dress sock line. Because the only thing more boring than Rob Kardashian are socks designed by Rob Kardashian.
Christian Bale was attacked by Chinese guards during a recent trip in an attempt to visit a controversial Chinese figure. Bale was apparently getting into the guard’s shot and screwing up their rhythm. The actor said he completely understood their frustration, having experienced something similar in the recent past.
A man in a santa claus hat robbed a bank in Encinitas this week, explaining to the teller that his son was sick and he couldn’t afford to pay. He added, “Besides, this hat alone cost me $40,000 so you can see why I’m strapped for cash.”
Headlines!
Rather than writing full articles, we here at the Snoopy Digest have been focusing on writing headline jokes over the past couple months. Here are some of the highlights (and there will be many more to come!) Hope at least one makes you giggle…
From April 28, 2011
According to the NY Times, New Jersey residents are upset about the installation of solar panels around their communities calling them “hideous,” “ugly” and an “eyesore.” Which is ironic, because that’s how everyone else in the country describes New Jersey residents.
In an unusual move, a judge who will be hearing the last remaining negligence lawsuit from 9/11 has set a 30-day time limit on trial. Because the thing 9/11 victims families really appreciate is to be reminded that their loved one’s time is up.
I think the Birther’s are a conspiracy planted by terrorists to distract the United States from real issues… like terrorists.
Republicans have rekindled Birther conspiracy theories after President Obama admitted not personally remembering any details of the day he was born.
According to the NY Times, a growing number young people are becoming increasingly more unfamiliar with cursive thanks to the prevalence of keyboards and smartphones, which could make historical documents like the Constitution difficult to read to future generations. Fox News is hoping this means future generations will be more apt to just “take their word for it.”
Republican legislatures are pushing states to adopt a policy of requiring would-be-voters to show a government-issued ID, which would systematically marginalize traditionally democratic voters like the young, the poor, and African Americans. Not to mention it’d be so embarrassing to show someone your DMV picture.
It turns out contact with armadillos can result in leprosy in humans, which puts a real damper on my weekend plans.
April 29, 2011
Former technology consultant Willard Lanham turned himself in to authorities today after admitting he stole $3.6 million from the Department of Education. The government was shocked, claiming, “Nowhere in any part of history could we ever have suspected that a white man would take advantage of a system and that his greediness would overcome his better nature.”
Prince William and Kate Middleton were married this morning in a ceremony that has been called a “dream,” though twenty something women everywhere who grew up picturing themselves as his wife, have referred to the day as a “nightmare.”
Prince William and Briana Hansen were married this morning in a lavish, glittery, perfect ceremony in London at Westminster Abbey and if you try to tell me any differently, I’ll punch you in the face.
April 30, 2011
According to the Census Bureau, the land mass in the United States has been steadily shrinking since the 1940s. Land mass experts have turned to the expert advice found daily in their email that say explicitly, “Help combat shrinkage.”
A music festival in China called “Strawberry” has been cancelled by the Chinese government citing reasons related to recent rainstorms, though the act has raised concerns of more government crackdowns on dissidents. The Chinese government issued a statement in response saying, “It’s not our fault it might rain. We’re not god…yet.”
Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels said he would follow through with signing a bill that cuts funds for clinics for woman. My advice to other women in Indiana- as a woman from Indiana- get out get out get out get out!
Studies suggest that success in online social networking does not inherently translate to more successful or stronger offline relationships, which is completely opposite of what my Facebook boyfriend said while we were gchat-ting the other day about our latest Skype date.
May 1, 2011
The space shuttle Endeavor’s final launch has been delayed again by NASA technicians, who admit they have a serious case of senioritis.
Michael Jackson’s former physician asked for a delay in his trial, claiming they had been “sandbagged” with a new scientific theories from the prosecuting attorneys. Frustrated, the doctor claimed the only man he would ever allow to “sandbag” him he’s on trial for the involuntary manslaughter of.
Marines across the country were briefed matter-of-factly about the repeal of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, focusing on what it would and would not change for expected day to day duties of the military personnel. After the briefing, the commanding officers said if there were any lingering questions on the policy change, to shut the hell up because they didn’t give a shit.
A new study published earlier this month found that people who believed in a loving, compassionate god were more likely to cheat on a test than those who believed in an angry, punitive god, fueling parent groups everywhere to continue to threaten and terrify their children into submission.
May 2, 2011
President Obama confirmed to the world last night that Osama bin Ladin has been killed. Newlyweds William and Kate issued a statement thanking the President for holding off on the news until after their wedding.
President Obama confirmed to the world last night that Osama bin Ladin has been killed, shocking many stubborn ignorant Americans who insisted that they thought they elected him in 2008.
President Obama confirmed to the world last night that Osama bin Ladin has been killed. Meanwhile, the privileged young woman on her iPhone continued to complain about a look the woman at Macys gave her while shopping earlier today.
President Obama confirmed to the world last night that Osama bin Ladin has been killed, which is likely the final push forward for the much anticipated sequel “How Obama Got His Groove Back (Osama Style).”
President Obama confirmed to the world last night that Osama bin Ladin has been killed. Meanwhile, his aides waited anxiously to see how his critics would spin the story and somehow blame the President. Don’t worry, boys. We all have faith you can do it.
May 13, 2011
Mike Huckabee is set to announce whether or not he’ll run for President in 2012 in the upcoming days. When asked how his campaign strategy this time will differ from four years ago, he said frankly, “This time, I’m going to devour my competition. Literally.”
Bush Administration senior officials came out in huge numbers over the weekend to argue that many of the policies set up during the Bush years made it possible for President Obama to find and kill Osama Bin Laden. When asked if their financial policies could also be credited to current dismal economic conditions, Bush officials answered, “Aw, hell no. We were only did the good stuff.”
CIA investigators questioned Osama Bin Laden’s widows for the first time this past Thursday, but declined to give details as to what they learned. Speculators suggest the main topic of conversation was whether or not the former terrorist leader was a good snuggler.
A huge boom in parakeet numbers in suburbs outside London are frustrating residents and confusing scientists. The birds are loud, aggressive, and consistently pick and win fights with local birds. Residents claim they remind them too much of native New York City residents, especially because the parakeets have set up five boroughs, have a tree dedicated to major theater, and even have some birds that give rides to other birds in exchange for small seeds.
May 16, 2011
Former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich claimed that in a fair election, there would be no way President Obama could win. He then looked confused as those around him laughed uncontrollably.
Former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich claimed that in a fair election, there would be no way President Obama could win. He claimed, “For two long years minorities have had it easy in this country. It’s time for us to change… back to the way things were.”
Former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich claimed that in a fair election, there would be no way President Obama could win. He then went on to clarify that his definition of “fair” was if only people who liked the former speaker would be allowed to vote.
May 18, 2011
On Tuesday, Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted he had fathered a child nearly a decade ago with one of his household staff before running for Governor. He admits it was easier to hide the affair since he was not the one who got pregnant this time.
Lady Gaga reached 10 million followers on Twitter. And 90% of Florida residents have no idea what I just said.
Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have named their twin children Morrocan and Monroe, which is arguably the most interesting thing the two have ever done as a couple.
The US Government is suing Starbucks for firing a dwarf employee who apparently asked for a stool or stepladder to properly perform her job. She apparently also was insulted if anyone ordered a “short” drink in her presence.
May 24, 2011
For the second time this month, the Mexican Army has seized what they’ve dubbed a “narcotank,” a regular vehicle that has been pimped out to protect drugs and drug cartel. Soldiers were disappointed to find out it cannot actually be smoked.
A cloud of Icelandic Ash has reemerged in Europe, causing airlines to cancel thousands of flights for the same reason in less than one year. In even more shocking news, many Americans actually knew what Iceland was this time around.
A 72-year-old man in Palm City saved his dog from an alligator by wrestling with the 7-foot-long creature when his small dog was attacked, proving once again that nobody will ever be as intimidating as an old person who feels like you’re taking something they have a right to away from them.
Former President Bush was nearly hit by a foul ball at a White Sox-Rangers game this weekend while sitting in the owner’s box. The ball has been taken into custody for questioning and the batter has been deported.
Republican Tim Pawlenty formally announced his run for President this week. And, just like his persona, the announcement was forgettable and unexciting.
The US Supreme Court ordered a massive inmate release in order to relieve overcrowded California prisons. Unemployed California residents are looking forward to suddenly becoming much more appealing to their potential employers than their competition.
May 25, 2011
In a new report out today, members of the House of Representatives on both sides of the aisle handed out bonuses to their staff despite a looming economic crisis last year. Staff members have responded in saying, “Do you know what it’s like working for these assholes? You’d demand that bonus, too.”
A 30-year-old man was arrested last night in Burbank after he allegedly pointed a laser pointer at a police helicopter as it was landing at the Bob Hope Airport. In other news, the city of Burbank is looking to implement anti-boredom programs for its struggling residents.
The former husband of the Schwartzenegger staffer who had an affair and love child with the Governator issued a statement saying he was “very, very angry” about the paternity of the child. The man, who looked up to Arnold as a hero, said “If anyone was going to have a child with this man, it should have been me.”
During a state visit to London, President Obama signed a note dating it May 24, 2008. He apologized for the gaffe, claiming that everyone was so nice to him it reminded him of a time when people still liked him. And began crying.
Steeler’s player Hines Ward won Dancing With The Stars. Ward has promised to bring the lessons of the show back to Pittsburg by implementing the brand new “Totally Glittery Terrible Towel.”
After claiming he’s a man who lives a “very frugal” life, it was revealed this week that Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich has a $500,000 revolving credit line at Tiffany & Co. When confronted on the issue, Gingrich claimed his personal life isn’t anyone’s business. Which has always very much been the mantra of the Republican party and possible elected officials.
May 27, 2011
In hopes of reviving ratings and interest in the sport, the Badmiton Federation has imposed a new dress code for women that many are calling “sexist” because it requires women at the elite level to wear skirts or dresses. Officials have said if this doesn’t work, their next step is to stop playing freaking badmiton.
The Bulls lost last night to the Miami Heat, allowing the Heat to advance to the Finals and reminding half of Chicago that they now have to once again pretend to care about the Cubs.
July 12, 2011
Starbucks has added its biggest size ever to their drink menu, the 31 oz Trenta, which clearly made the fat chick in front of me feel a lot better about only getting a Venti Frappuccino.
Starbucks has added its biggest size ever to their drink menu, the 31 oz Trenta. Female Starbucks employees everywhere are applauding the new size, which makes it extremely obvious which male customers are overcompensating.
Starbucks has added its biggest size ever to their drink menu, the 31 oz Trenta. The new drink is proving popular across the nation and Starbucks representatives are already working on an even larger size, tentatively named Fahtass.
Starbucks has added its biggest size ever to their drink menu, the 31 oz Trenta. Or as Chuck Norris calls it, a thimble.
LinkedIn surpassed MySpace this week as the second most popular online social network on the web. Which for many people was surprising, since nobody knew MySpace was even still around.
The United Nations declared July 11 World Population Day, hoping to increase awareness of family planning- among other issues. My mother made the most of this opportunity by reminding me that I was a mistake.
This week a woman in Southern California was accused of cutting off her husbands penis and throwing it in the garbage disposal. The woman claimed that she was simply cleaning the home and wanted to get rid of all the items she hadn’t used in years.
Shaquille O’Neal has signed a multiyear deal with Turner Sports to become an analyst on its NBA coverage. The contract specifically outlines, however, that O’Neal must deliver all pre-game predictions dressed as his genie self from Kazaam.
The final Harry Potter movie came out yesterday. I’m sad to see the storyline end, but happy that I have a few more months of trying to pick up women by saying “Hey baby. Wanna go see the new Harry Potter and check out a powerful, magic wand?”
July 22, 2011
During his testimony for the News Corp phone hacking scandal, a man attacked Rupert Murdoch with a dish of white foam. The man was confused when authorities stopped him, claiming he was a Starbucks worker who Murdoch had asked for extra foam from earlier.
This week has been unbearably hot here in Chicago, with temperatures reaching the upper 90s and over 100 degrees several days in a row. Most people mind the heat. I’m enjoying the compliments from people all over telling me, for the first time, that I look hot.
The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation announced this week it would fun $41.5 million worth in grants to re-engineer the design of the toilet. The wealthy couple explained that it was in desperate need of re-engineering since their own toilet kept getting clogged by the hundred dollar bills they flush down it on a regular basis.
Michael Vick visited Capitol Hill Tuesday to support legislation that would criminalize participants in and spectators of animal fighting. Vick, who was a one time participant in animal fighting, has since turned into an activist for the cause. During the visit, however, he admit to get a huge amount of enjoyment from watching bitter Republicans and angry Democrats growl and bite at each other in small circles surrounded by their aides.
DMX, who was just released from jail, said he’d be spending time with his daughter and working on a new album. In talking about the creation of his new album, his manager said “It’s time to let the dog out of the kennel.” Unfortunately, both DMX and his manager have been out of the music scene for so long, they don’t realize that somebody has already let the dogs out. Though we have yet to figure out who. Who. who.
The space shuttle Atlantis landed on Thursday and marked the end of 135 years of NASA’s shuttle program. Though many are saddened by the end of the space era, people living in Houston, Texas, say their relieved to not have to listen to all their friends problems anymore.
On Saturday, Chicago is hosting the US Air Guitar National Finals. It will simultaneously be the second largest convention of adult male virgins in the United States, behind- of course- the Comic-Con in San Diego this weekend.
Writer embarrassed by pun-y headline
In the constantly changing and highly competitive world of headline news, one writer is embarrassed by her use of “bite” in a story that describes a picture of a puppy. Though the stories she writes are completely fictitious, there is really no good excuse for using such a cheesy pun in a headline, she believes. Though headlines can be clever or enticing, one that sounds like it came off the label of a Laffy Taffy is inexcusable even in a satire-oriented world.
She is deeply apologetic, though she refuses to promise that it will never happen again.
Man disappointed by reaction to obvious innuendo
Reggie Potter is not a comedian by trade. He is an average, easy-going middle class man who works as an editor at an advertising company. But amongst his friends, he is a bit of a comedic exhibitionist.
“I’m always coming up with zingers and one-liners that catch my friends off guard,” Potter explains. “Many of them have often told me that I should do stand up.”
Because of his razor sharp wit and impeccable sense of humor, it came as a shock to Potter when his obvious innuendo when he was out with his friends last weekend received little to no reaction.
Potter explains the events that led up to his disappointment, “A group of my coworkers and I were out to for Happy Hour drinks at Chummys, a local bar that has 1/2 price appetizers and drink specials between 5-7 every Friday, and Thomas Smith spilled his drink over the table. Some of it got on his pants. He said-and I quote-‘Oh, man. My pants are all wet.’ So, at that point, I of course threw in a ‘That’s what she said!’” But Potter’s phrase was met with complete silence from others around the table.
“I tried repeating it a couple times just to make sure they heard what I said and how clever I was,” he explains. Unfortunately for Potter, nothing seemed to work. He never a single laugh.
“Thomas just shot me an angry look,” he said, “And rolled his eyes as he and the others helped wipe up the table.”
Despite the obvious disappointment, however, Potter is not completely downtrodden. He understands that every genius of his age was at one point misunderstood by his peers and had to overcome many obstacles to be recognized.
“I’ll continue to practice and work at it until I get the result I want,” he claims. He paused a moment and, with a glimmer in his eye, added, “That’s what she said.”
Briana Hansen 