Tag: kim kardashian

January 2012- A Few Good Jokes

Briana HansenLeave a comment

Obama asked Congress this week for the power to consolidate several government agencies with overlapping authority and thereby reduce the power of the government. He’s said to have first gotten the idea after being bombarded with emails dealing with ‘shrinkage.’

Axl Rose was on jury duty for four days this week, saying it was ‘relatively painless.’ He also admit that the number of drugs he’s put into his body over the years have left him numb to all feeling, so that could be why he didn’t have any issues.

Many popular Wikipedia, Google, Craiglist and many other information sites protested an anti-piracy bill by making their content unavailable this week. Which means there will be one day this week where nobody will know anything about anything. Get ready.

California Governor Jerry Brown supported a $100 million dollar bullet train rail project this week. He is planning on paying for the project with monopoly money, since the state is completely bankrupt.

A woman gave birth on a New Jersey commuter train this week, with other passengers helping out in the process. Apparently, most of the other passengers were delighted at the event because they could identify-for the first time- the gooey substance on the seat next to them.

LA’s porn industry, which is an $8 billion dollar industry with 90% of it’s films created in the San Fernando Valley, is threatening to leave if state legislators follow through on a bill that requires the actors to use condoms in their films. If that move were to actually happen, the loss of revenue in the San Fernando Valley would make it impossible for anyone to purchase anything… especially not condoms.

The TSA issued an apology today to two elderly women who claimed they were inappropriately partially strip searched while flying to Florida. The agency also apologized to the TSA agent forced to strip search these women.

Former playmate turned reality star Kendra Wilkinson has been really open about her latest diet, one that consists of lots of nuts. Which is no surprise coming from a woman who’s entire career is built on her affinity for nuts in her mouth.

Kodak company has filed for bankruptcy marking the end of a technological era. And the beginning of a new pointless hipster trend.

Seal and Heidi Klum are getting divorced.. making it impossible to believe in celebrity true love anywhere.

Kim Kardashian has asked that people not call her 72-day marriage a to Kris Humphries ‘business decision.’ She emphasized, “It was also for pure publicity purposes.”

Miley Cyrus cut five inches off her hair. Which is arguably the most interesting choice the teen star has ever made.

Lego company’s a new line of Legos specifically marketed toward girls, with more slender figures and stylish clothes, are causing quite a controversy with critics saying the toys promote body dissatisfaction. Body-image experts are apparently worried girls everywhere will start to tape or even surgically meld their hands together to look more like the fingerless cupped hands of their plastic doll idols.

Jan 13-23, 2012 Some More Jokes!

Briana HansenLeave a comment

Obama asked Congress this week for the power to consolidate several government agencies with overlapping authority and thereby reduce the power of the government. He’s said to have first gotten the idea after being bombarded with emails dealing with ‘shrinkage.’

Axl Rose was on jury duty for four days this week, saying it was ‘relatively painless.’ He also admit that the number of drugs he’s put into his body over the years have left him numb to all feeling, so that could be why he didn’t have any issues.

Many popular Wikipedia, Google, Craiglist and many other information sites protested an anti-piracy bill by making their content unavailable this week. Which means there will be one day this week where nobody will know anything about anything. Get ready.

California Governor Jerry Brown supported a $100 million dollar bullet train rail project this week. He is planning on paying for the project with monopoly money, since the state is completely bankrupt.

A woman gave birth on a New Jersey commuter train this week, with other passengers helping out in the process. Apparently, most of the other passengers were delighted at the event because they could identify-for the first time- the gooey substance on the seat next to them.

LA’s porn industry, which is an $8 billion dollar industry with 90% of it’s films created in the SFV, is threatening to leave if state legislators follow through on a bill that requires the actors to use condoms in their films. If that move were to actually happen, the loss of revenue in the SFV would make it impossible for anyone to purchase anything… especially not condoms.

The TSA issued an apology today to two elderly women who claimed they were inappropriately partially strip searched while flying to Florida. The agency also apologized to the TSA agent forced to strip search these women.

Former playmate turned reality star Kendra Wilkinson has been really open about her latest diet, one that consists of lots of nuts. Which is no surprise coming from a woman who’s entire career is built on her affinity for nuts in her mouth.

Kodak company has filed for bankruptcy marking the end of a technological era. And the beginning of a new pointless hipster trend.

Seal and Heidi Klum are getting divorced.. making it impossible to believe in celebrity true love anywhere.

Kim Kardashian has asked that people not call her 72-day marriage a to Kris Humphries ‘business decision.’ She emphasized, “It was also for pure publicity purposes.”

Miley Cyrus cut five inches off her hair. Which is arguably the most interesting choice the teen star has ever made.

Lego company’s a new line of Legos specifically marketed toward girls, with more slender figures and stylish clothes, are causing quite a controversy with critics saying the toys promote body dissatisfaction. Body-image experts are apparently worried girls everywhere will start to tape or even surgically meld their hands together to look more like the fingerless cupped hands of their plastic doll idols.

Jokes from the Week of November 10, 2011

Briana Hansen1 Comment

Kim Kardashian is working with Tyler Perry on his latest film “The Marriage Counselor,” just a few weeks after her divorce from her husband of 72 days Kris Humphries. Though many think the reality star will not transition easily into traditional acting, most sources close Kim confirm the has an excellent ability to act like she’s in love. So as long as her role involves courtship for attention, she’ll nail it.

The United States military is supposedly in talks with Kim Kardashian as a possible consultant on how to get out of serious commitments in record time.

Presidential contender and current Texas Governer Rick Perry had an embarassing public brain freeze during the Republican debate on Wednesday. Most onlookers weren’t upset by the gaff. In fact, the majority of the public was shocked to learn any of the candidates had brains in the first place.

I don’t like zombies and I don’t like politicians. But if I were a zombie, I would really hate politicians because they would literally provide no value for me.

Fitness Boot Camps have become really popular, now that the don’t ask don’t tell policy has been revoked. You can now stare angrily and jealously at your same-sex fitness buddy without any worry of getting kicked out of the class.

A revolutionary cancer drug is shown to cause rapid weight loss and improved metabolic function in its subjects. So, in order to cure the obesity epidemic, everybody get cancer quick!

Denmark implemented a so-called “fat tax” where they tax certain foods more depending on the percentage of saturated fat in the food. This is a surprising move from the country who’s most famous export is the Danish.

A health and safety agency is warning consumers that those little sets of strong building mini-magnets often given as gifts can be potentially fatal to children if swallowed. In an unrelated story, malt ball companies are looking to spruce up holiday sales of their candies by decorating them in metallic, silvery, winter colors.

Mariah Carey announced today that her twins have started eating solid foods. The beaming entertainer turned mom added, “The next step in their development is learning to count calories.”

Ashton Kutcher is giving up management of his Twitter feed after some controversy. Though many fans are upset by the move, Kutcher’s wife Demi Moore is said to be most upset since she will no longer be able to communicate directly to her husband.

A pregnant Jessica Simpson says she loves being pregnant and is already planning for more children. Most women agree that her mind will change after the actual act of childbirth.

July 25- July 29, 2011 HEADLINE JOKES!

Briana HansenLeave a comment

Kim Kardashian revealed she has psoriasis, a skin condition which manifests itself as red patches on her legs. She and her family are proud to announce this is the first disease the reality star has contracted that is not contagious.

Google+ has surpassed 20 million users in its short existence. Now that it’s popular, many hipsters are leaving the site already, complaining that they knew about it before it even existed.

Justin Howard (aka Nordic Thunder) won the US Air Guitar National Finals in Chicago last weekend. To celebrate, he talked to a real live woman.

Jay Cutler is reportedly no longer engaged to reality TV star Kristen Cavallari. Though both are remaining quiet on the issue, rumors suggest that Cavallari may have finally watched a Bears game from last season and changed her mind about Cutler.

Hot Doug’s, the Avondale hot dog restaurant that always has a line waiting for food, was forced to close on Saturday because of the rain water from Friday night. Sources claim Doug was afraid the water would cause hot dog shrinkage and ruin the reputation of his products.

The US Postal service is considering closing fourteen Chicago-area post offices. Many post office workers and hundreds of trolls that guard the mail in the back rooms are worried about finding new jobs if that happens.

A Glendale, CA man was hospitalized after attempting to remove a protruding hernia from his own body by using a butter knife this past week. He reportedly said it looked delicious.

MGD 64 Lemonade is being discontinued after low sales across the board. Miller Beer has formally apologized to the group of men hired specifically to pee in the bottles before packaging to improve the taste, and promises to help find them work in another department.

Researchers in Tanzania have created a serum that smells like foot odor to lure in and kill mosquitos in an attempt to control malaria and other mosquito-spread diseases. Frat boys everywhere are being recruited to help with the cause.

Jersey Shore reality star Pauly D will be joining Britney Spears “Femme Fatale” tour starting August 17. Britney fans are concerned that the move will make even Britney look trashy.

Jesse James and Kat Von D have called off their engagement. Yeah. I don’t give a shit either.

All five actors who played the children in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” will be reuniting for the first time in 40 years in Chicago this August. Apparently Veruca Salt insisted upon it saying, “I don’t care how, I want it now!” And after 40 years, the others finally gave in.