Cologne Incapacitation

I’ve said it before. I will say it again.5170609728_24be6c86ba_z

I know a body like the guy in this cologne ad requires a lot of time at the gym. I get it. And I thank you for your service to society by creating such sexiness.

But my god- I cannot breathe when you spray heaps of cologne on your body then begin to sweat it off at the gym. It becomes more potent than it already is without sweating. It is awful. I need to gasp for air.

Please. Please. Please, fellas. If you feel the need to be attractive at the gym, do so with an extra tight shirt or fitted spinning pants. Please… spare us with the cologne.

This is my last nice warning. The next time I write about this, shit will get real.

Thank you.

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Gym Discovery

discoveryThere’s a gym in Hollywood I don’t frequent, but I’ve gone a handful of times. Part of the reason I like LA Fitness in the first place is because there are lots of locations so I can go to different places depending on what side of town I’m on.

The Hollywood gym, which is right in the heart of Hollywood just steps from the stars on Hollywood Boulevard, is one I go to on occasion. Part of the reason I don’t frequent it is because I didn’t see a free weights section. I figured there probably was one, but I never looked too hard. I just stuck with the easy to see machines and simple cardio.

But the other day… I kept walking. I walked down a hallway I’d been near before and decided to just keep going.

Why didn’t I do this before? I didn’t want to look like I didn’t know where I was going. But the truth is, I didn’t know where I was going. And the more important truth is, nobody was paying attention to me. And the most important truth is, even if they were paying attention, I don’t care about the opinions of strangers.

And there it was.

A huge free weights section I’d never seen before. A giant chunk of the gym that I had never before discovered. I was like Christopher Columbus (because there were already tons of people there who clearly knew it existed but I felt a weird sense of ownership because I found it for the first time myself which doesn’t really make sense but I felt proud anyway).

Lesson learned: Never stop exploring. You never know how you’re limiting yourself until you push the existing borders and boundaries of the world around you.

Also, every gym probably has a free weights section. So just keep looking.

Easy on the Cologne, Fellas

cologneI go to a douchebaggy gym. It’s not the gym’s fault. It’s just in a pretty douchebaggy location.

Normally, I don’t mind it. For the most part, the douchebags are too busy staring at themselves in the mirror to notice me.

But there is one element about my gym I hate.

Douchebags wear a lot of cologne. And when they sweat, it smells. Strongly. And when a lot of douchebags are in one small location (aka a weight room) and they are all sweating together…it reeks of cologne.

I actually have had to start modifying which gym I go to (because I belong to a huge chain that has several locations all over the city) based on the time of day. I cannot stand to be in my gym between 5-9 pm on a weekday. It’s honestly unbearable.

It’s really just more motivation for continuing to get up early and get my workout in during the wee hours of the morning before all the douchebags have woken up and poured Axe Body Spray on their bodies for the day. The morning can be busy but bearable. And the smell is neutral. Which, it turns out, is important to me.

I literally just shuddered when thinking about how terrible that weight room smells in the evenings. Uggghhhh. The horror.

Birds of a Feather

birdsI saw two ladies at the gym the other day. They were obviously friends.

How do I know?

They were two birds of a feather.

They walked in together. They both had perky ponytails on the top of their head. They had tight black pants with colorful bottoms that matched their colorful shoes. One had a large colorful tank top that barely covered her colorful sports bra. The other just wore a colorful sports bra. They both had colorful Beats by Dre headphones they they played while they worked out. And they worked out together. Side by side. Doing basically the same exercises. At basically the same time.

It was colorfully adorable. If you’re into that thing.

I’m more of a gym loner. I prefer silently stare at people, listen to my podcasts, and live in my imagination for a while without interruption.

But mostly, I don’t have anyone to dress up all matchy matchy with me and go gymming before we (obviously) go clubbing. That’s what I assume you do if you dress up and go to the gym together. You immediately dress up in matching colorful tight dresses and high heels and go dance non-chalantly in a corner of a club.

Do clubs have corners? I don’t know. I spend my Saturday nights reading about monkeys, petting dogs, and prepping poorly thought-out blog posts.

This is getting weird. I’m gonna stop now.

Dinky Gym Reopened (for real this time!)

The gym I used to go to regularly closed down not long ago for remodeling. And for those of you who follow, I thought it reopened not long ago. I was wrong.

I called ahead last week (after learning my lesson) and found out they were supposed to reopen Wednesday. So I waited until today (Monday) just in case.

And guess what- it’s really open! And it’s beautiful!

The girl who works at the front desk (and recognized my Tupac shirt because I wear it semi-regularly to workout) was there! We chatted. It was like being back home.

Plus, the parking is easier and the traffic is more manageable and it’s all around less chaotic. And! Fewer people are there so more of the (brand new) equipment is available.

I’m so excited! (And clearly into using parenthesis today!)

(Hooray!)

Hollywood Pretty

It’s no big secret that I belong to LA Fitness. I typically go to one main gym nearest to me. But I like having the convenience and ability to go different locations in the city depending on my day’s schedule.

Last Tuesday, I had some time to sneak into the LA Fitness right in the heart of Hollywood. It’s literally located on Hollywood Boulevard feet away from The Chinese Theater and tons of other Hollywood landmarks.

And it is filled to the brim with actors and pretty people.

Everyone around me was beautiful. They’re in excellent shape, perfectly proportioned people with amazing skin, hair and teeth who love to watch themselves workout in the mirror. So they were clearly actors.

When I went to the cardio section, half the treadmills were filled with magazines and the other half were filled with highlighted scripts for people memorizing lines.

I even recognized some people I’d seen on TV and other’s I’d worked with around the city. So. Many. Actors.

But these are my people. I’m an actor at heart too (despite the thousand other things I also love doing). So I workout because I’m trying to look good. Sure, it feels nice to be in shape and it’s important to me that I stay healthy… but I really want and need to look good to help catapult my career. And having tons of beautiful, in-shape people kicking their butts around you is excellent motivation.

Plus! The Juice Bar even comes equipped with the ability to give you your own eating disorder! I got a post-workout shake that gave me food poisoning later that night! I totally puked up everything I ate the whole day, which inched me a little closer to my goal weight! Thanks, LA Fitness Hollywood Juice Bar! Now I know how easy it would be to be bulimic (just in case eating right and exercising regularly aren’t good enough)!

The Dinkiest Gym in All The Land

My gym is terrible.

It’s dark and smelly.

At any given time, at least half of the cardio machines have an “Out of Order” sign on them. At least half of the supposedly “working” machines do not function properly.

The pool is filled with old people, fat people, or some combination thereof.

The sauna stopped working.

The weight room is gross. I’ve seen the same water bottle sitting in the corner for a week, giving me little faith it gets cleaned on a regular basis.

The mats for stretching are from 1912 and barely hanging on by a thread.

In the locker room, half of the lockers are bent out of shape so they don’t open properly. Some of them are cut so you can’t put your lock in them. Others are sticky inside.

In the shower rooms, most of them don’t have a curtain for privacy. And the hot water only works on some of the showers. And one time, I showered right after they cleaned it with industrial cleaner and I got a sinus infection for a week from the strong fumes.

It doesn’t have air conditioning. At least it doesn’t feel like it.

You have to pay 50 cents for parking every time you leave.

Supposedly, it was going to start construction three months ago. Some people walked around. Nothing has been started and nobody has been warned.

And yet I love it.

I am totally anonymous there. I don’t have to impress anyone. Nobody pays attention to anyone else. Everyone has the same crappy expectations. Everyone is just in there to do some work on themselves and get the hell out. I know where everything is. I recognize people who work and workout at the same times I’m there. I’m comfortable. I trust it.

What the hell is that all about?