Dec 2- Dec 8, 2011 Jokes!

Kim Kardashian is upset that her former three-month husband filed for an annulment, claiming that she doesn’t want a battle with him. She said she just wants the whole things to be over, which is ironic because that’s how most people feel about her career.

Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant with a second child with long-time-boyfriend and professional douchebag Scott Disick, despite the couple’s tumultuous on-camera relationship. The child will be the first time a child is born out of wedlock to an unstable couple in the history of humanity. Clearly.

I am also getting tired of the Kardashian jokes. If the news media could please report on something else for a change, I could also change it up. Until then, this is what we’re all stuck.

Lady Gaga claims that her latest self-directed music video for the song “Marry the Night,” is an autobigraphical story of the pop star herself, adding that she prefers to remember her past “in an artistic way.” Which most people translate into meaning, “completely make believe.”

A hunter in Utah was accidentally shot in the butt by his own gun shot by his own dog. Maybe next time he’ll learn to give his dog that little bit of table food he’s begging for.

New Gingrich has been recently expanding his views on child labor, arguing that the children of poverty have no habit of earning money legally. He then added, “Besides, somebody needs to make my latest wife a nice pair of shoes.”

A man in Key West Florida received a great deal of publicity this week for a show he’s been presenting for a long time. He’s trained his domestic cats to jump through fiery hoops. Which is shocking since I can’t get my own cat to jump off my desk without putting up a huge fight.

A Thai-born American was sentenced to 2.5 years in prison for insulting the Thai monarchy. In a parallel story, an American-born American was sentenced to 2.5 years of living without Thai food for insulting a local Thai diner. Which sentence is worse? Only time will tell.

The Mars Rover “Opportunity” has found more evidence of water on Earth’s neighboring planet. So, like, can’t we just sent, like, the country of Africa to mars so they can, like, you know, have more water or whatever?

The city of Stockton, CA set a new homicide record this week by reaching 56 homicides so far this year. Residents of Stockton have set a record number of New Year’s resolutions to move the hell out of there.

Texts between police officers at Occupy Denver have been release to the public, showing the officers distain for the protestors and referring to them as “grungy hippies.” Many people are not so much concerned at the police’s distain, but their inability to differentiate between “grungy hippie” and “normal hipster.”

A woman in Santa Monica claimed she found staples in the food she ordered from Taco Bell food. Store officials have countered that she requested her taco be “extra crunchy,” and didn’t specify what that meant.

Despite being a registered and convicted sex offender, a Colorado Springs man is still running a gym where young women and families come to train. Though many families feel trapped since there are no other local gyms in the area, many girls enjoy the compliments and extra attention they receive from the owner.

A family in Virginia are being plagued by their dead mother’s hacked email account, which sends them daily emails offering “male enhancement” and “cheap viagra.” Though they believe it is simply because of a hacker, some members of the family are taking it as a sign that the husband may need to improve his game in the bedroom.

Republican Presidential front-runner New Gingrich vows to stay positive despite hopeful Mitt Romney’s campaign attacks. He also vows that his vows mean nothing.

Republican Presidential front-runner New Gingrich vows to stay positive despite hopeful Mitt Romney’s campaign attacks. Though, he admits that if a better, younger looking idea comes along that seems to get him a little farther than staying positive, he’ll jump ship immediate and vow to be faithful to that idea for a while.

During a book signing, a young boy told Michelle Bachmann that his gay mother “Didn’t need fixing,” a remark Bachmann later called “reprehensible.” Well, that’s what you get when you let the gay’s raise children. Youth with opinions who aren’t afraid to speak their mind to the people who are supposedly representing those opinions. Reprehensible.

During a book signing, a young boy told Michelle Bachmann that his gay mother “Didn’t need fixing,” a remark Bachmann later called “reprehensible.” She then pat herself on the back for using a five-syllable-word correctly.

BP gas prices, like their reputation, reach an all-time low

After the devastating oil spill in the Gulf, BP has been looking for ways to improve their tarnished image and reputation. And, in a small town in south east Ohio, they may have found the perfect solution.

This picture was taken last weekend in a small town outside of Cincinnati, Ohio. It has not been photoshopped or doctored in anyway (because I don’t have the skills for that…) It must mean either BP is struggling financially a lot more than we think they are, since they’re willing to almost give away their gas. Or, that they’re wanting their customers to return to them, even if it takes almost giving away gas to rebuild loyalty.

What are your thoughts on the matter?

Cheap BP Gas
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While wearing a skintight nude bikini, licking her lips and thrusting her hips seductively, Lady Gaga encourages fans to be celibate

Fame monger and occasional musician, Lady Gaga is once again seeking the spotlight. This time, however, her message is genuinely surprising- a tough task for a woman who seems to pride herself on keeping her fans surprised. She is preaching abstinence.

What makes this move so surprising to so many of her fans and supporters is that the words she is saying seem opposite to the entire method behind her becoming such a superstar.

In every music video she has made, there are explicit physical references to sexual activity. Whether it be lying on a bed seductively, thrusting her hips repeatedly on couches, or-as in the most recent music video- an explicit shot where heavy petting in sensitive areas takes place while making out, Lady Gaga seems to relish in the attention her sexuality has gotten her. However, she has begun talking about and preaching celibacy to her fans and supporters.

Cherie, a 16-year-old supporter from Long Island, says, “It’s like a baker telling you that you shouldn’t bake in order to be like him. It just doesn’t make sense.” She adds, “I’m really confused.”

While the idea behind celibacy and abstinence are gaining in popularity for celebrities across the board, Lady Gaga does not seem to be one of the role models who’s work supports her supposed lifestyle.

Yet, fans are listening intently to everything she both says and does. Hoards of Gaga supporters have begun wearing stripper clothing and taking pole dancing classes, hoping to meet and seduce men they want to be platonic friends with.

Another culture revolution, courtesy of Lady Gaga.

Record label signs actual singer

Amarika Records, a small local label based out of San Diego, has just announced that it will sign a music deal with up and coming singer Alicia Watts. Though the precise details of the contract have yet to be worked out, the deal is a groundbreaking one for the entire nation because Watts is an actual singer.

The recent trend in the past decade for many major companies has been to sign people based on any number of other requirements, though they often remain a mystery. The most obvious qualification for signing a record deal is the the desire to be famous at any and all costs-including sacrificing your body, your style and your dignity in order to get attention and cell more music.

Watts, however, is a rare find in the music industry. She is a genuinely talented musician who is truly interested in growing in her style and expressing herself through song. Though she would like to make a living being a musician, she has no desire to sacrifice everything she has created for herself in order to fit into some wacky, pop star mold built out of supposed expectations. She just wants to sing.

The strangest part about Watts, for a singer, is her ability to hit actual notes in tune and stay in specific keys. Not much except over all balance and color changes need to be added by the recording studio after she lays down a song. Not only is there certainly no need to tweak certain notes because she can hit them, there is no auto-tune placed over her voice in order to make her sing like a singer.

Watt’s success will depend mainly on a number of unforeseeable factors, like if people are willing to pay big bucks to see actual singers sing-or if they just expect huge, outlandish experiences from the performers. Only time will tell, but if Lady Gaga’s success is any indication of the decision the public is making, the future may not be too bright for Watts.

Experts agree Lady Gaga will have a difficult time maintaining levels of crazy

Pop culture performer Lady Gaga has become known for her offbeat style and somewhat wacky antics. From fake blood pouring out of her costume during a live performance of her hit “Paparazzi” to screaming “Are you listening?” symbolically to President Obama during a speech in Washington, she has become well known for putting on a show and one-upping herself each performance.

Many experts agree that she may need to begin toning herself down a bit or she’ll reach a brick wall where she will no longer be able to outdo each performance she has. They fear that she has only been on the music scene for a short amount of time, and in that time has consistently grown her reputation for being erratic and offbeat.

The experts believe that within about a year or so, if Lady Gaga’s crazy readings remain about the same, she will need to do something overly dramatic in order to stay on the pop culture map. They project she will likely stage her own death, like other pop icons like Tupac Shakur, Elvis Presley or Michael Jackson*. (*editor’s note, if calling Michael Jackson’s death staged is offensive or believed to be ‘too soon’ feel free to pretend it’s not there)

Unfortunately for Lady Gaga, standards of expected crazy levels have risen exponetially over the past few years thanks to pop icon Britney Spears, who has consistently managed to outdo her own off-stage wacky performances. A relative newcomer, Lady Gaga has her work cut out for her.