Lady Douchebag

There’s a woman at my gym who frequents the weight room as much as I do. In fact, she’s there more often than I am. And she looks like it. She is IN SHAPE okay people? I mean… she’s strong and hella toned.

I’ve spoken with her once. It was Sunday. She came over and asked if she could use a Kettlebell I had hoarded in my little corner of the multi-purpose room. I didn’t actually have any plans for the Kettlebell, there was just the one so I wanted it. I liked people to think I know what I’m doing, even when I have no idea.

It’s how I’ve succeeded at life so far.

Anyway, she asked me to borrow it and I told her no problem. Then I thought maybe I’d misjudged her in the past. I’d always thought she was a lady douchebag because she grunts really loudly when she lifts weights. She doesn’t wear a shirt, just a very tight sports bra that barely holds in her enhanced lady parts. Her hair is always down while she works out. She obviously spends a lot of time outside the gym tanning. She has false eyelashes she either puts on before every gym session or has permanently attached to her lids. And – the biggest sin- is that she throws her weights after she’s done with a set. Total douchebag move.

Also keep in mind I’ve seen this woman for months. She was at my old gym and made the move as many of us (like my gym boyfriend) did when it went under construction.

In our one quick Kettlebell interaction, I’m thinking maybe I misjudged. Maybe she’s not a douchebag. Maybe I’m just jealous of her dedication to fitness which obviously surpasses mine. I decide to see what she’s going to do with the Kettlebell so I can learn from her. She can become my teacher rather than my adversary.

Guess what she does? She asks a hunky dude from the weight room to stop his set to come take a picture of her. Then she poses in various poses holding the Kettlebell. She makes him take a video and several pictures. He returns to the weight room. I’m standing three feet away (perfectly capable to take a picture) and she didn’t ask. On top of it, she didn’t really do any sets. She just took pictures of what it would look like if she were working out.

My assessment of Lady Douchebag stands.

Lady Douchebag

There’s a woman at my gym who frequents the weight room as much as I do. In fact, she’s there more often than I am. And she looks like it. She is IN SHAPE okay people? I mean… she’s strong and hella toned.

I’ve spoken with her once. It was Sunday. She came over and asked if she could use a Kettlebell I had hoarded in my little corner of the multi-purpose room. I didn’t actually have any plans for the Kettlebell, there was just the one so I wanted it. I liked people to think I know what I’m doing, even when I have no idea.

It’s how I’ve succeeded at life so far.

Anyway, she asked me to borrow it and I told her no problem. Then I thought maybe I’d misjudged her in the past. I’d always thought she was a lady douchebag because she grunts really loudly when she lifts weights. She doesn’t wear a shirt, just a very tight sports bra that barely holds in her enhanced lady parts. Her hair is always down while she works out. She obviously spends a lot of time outside the gym tanning. She has false eyelashes she either puts on before every gym session or has permanently attached to her lids. And – the biggest sin- is that she throws her weights after she’s done with a set. Total douchebag move.

Also keep in mind I’ve seen this woman for months. She was at my old gym and made the move as many of us (like my gym boyfriend) did when it went under construction.

In our one quick Kettlebell interaction, I’m thinking maybe I misjudged. Maybe she’s not a douchebag. Maybe I’m just jealous of her dedication to fitness which obviously surpasses mine. I decide to see what she’s going to do with the Kettlebell so I can learn from her. She can become my teacher rather than my adversary.

Guess what she does? She asks a hunky dude from the weight room to stop his set to come take a picture of her. Then she poses in various poses holding the Kettlebell. She makes him take a video and several pictures. He returns to the weight room. I’m standing three feet away (perfectly capable to take a picture) and she didn’t ask. On top of it, she didn’t really do any sets. She just took pictures of what it would look like if she were working out.

My assessment of Lady Douchebag stands.

Lady Douchebag

There’s a woman at my gym who frequents the weight room as much as I do. In fact, she’s there more often than I am. And she looks like it. She is IN SHAPE okay people? I mean… she’s strong and hella toned.

I’ve spoken with her once. It was Sunday. She came over and asked if she could use a Kettlebell I had hoarded in my little corner of the multi-purpose room. I didn’t actually have any plans for the Kettlebell, there was just the one so I wanted it. I liked people to think I know what I’m doing, even when I have no idea.

It’s how I’ve succeeded at life so far.

Anyway, she asked me to borrow it and I told her no problem. Then I thought maybe I’d misjudged her in the past. I’d always thought she was a lady douchebag because she grunts really loudly when she lifts weights. She doesn’t wear a shirt, just a very tight sports bra that barely holds in her enhanced lady parts. Her hair is always down while she works out. She obviously spends a lot of time outside the gym tanning. She has false eyelashes she either puts on before every gym session or has permanently attached to her lids. And – the biggest sin- is that she throws her weights after she’s done with a set. Total douchebag move.

Also keep in mind I’ve seen this woman for months. She was at my old gym and made the move as many of us (like my gym boyfriend) did when it went under construction.

In our one quick Kettlebell interaction, I’m thinking maybe I misjudged. Maybe she’s not a douchebag. Maybe I’m just jealous of her dedication to fitness which obviously surpasses mine. I decide to see what she’s going to do with the Kettlebell so I can learn from her. She can become my teacher rather than my adversary.

Guess what she does? She asks a hunky dude from the weight room to stop his set to come take a picture of her. Then she poses in various poses holding the Kettlebell. She makes him take a video and several pictures. He returns to the weight room. I’m standing three feet away (perfectly capable to take a picture) and she didn’t ask. On top of it, she didn’t really do any sets. She just took pictures of what it would look like if she were working out.

My assessment of Lady Douchebag stands.

Glasses at the Gym

I wear contacts. I needs thems in mine eyes to make me see good. And to makes me sound like a pirate from Alabama. Both them things. Arrg y’all.

Once every thirty days I have to switch out my contacts for a new pair and in doing so, have to give my eyes a breather. And that’s when I wear my feminine, sparkly, girly glasses.

Every once in a while, glasses day coincides with a heavy lifting day at the gym. Which always makes me feel funky because I wear my feminine, sparkly, girly glasses and lift like a beast.

This happened the other day. My glasses actually fogged over at one point. I had to constantly take them off in order to wipe the sweat off my face. I felt like a professor. But also a superhero. Like Professor X, but without the wheelchair. Or the amazing mind controlling powers. Believe you me, if I had those mind powers I would have had plenty of the men in that weight room sitting there with their shirts off. And I would have given deodorant to the old man who kept using the machines before me.

Instead, I just looked silly wearing my glasses. Sillier than usual, that is.

Go Go Juice

1MRMy friend had been talking about this supplement he takes in the morning before his workouts. He speaks really highly of it. He got it from GNC. It’s called 1.M.R., which stands for “One More Rep.” I just call it my “go go juice.”

He said this stuff brings out the monster in him. It’s got so much sweet scientific energy, that you’re able to get an amazing workout in.

I’m a fan of supplements, but I just haven’t made major investments in them. So I was very excited when he gave me a little of his to sample.

And let me tell you… this stuff works.

I took my go go juice with a little fruit in my stomach about 15 minutes before I started my workout.  The first day I did it, I felt tingly all over and my very pale face got very flushed very quickly. I took it as a sign the science was working.

I’ve been taking it for the past two weeks now and I’m afraid I’m addicted to the stuff. It’s fantastic. I feel the difference in my workouts. Instead of trying to get through my workout, I’m extremely “on” and concentrated and adding little moves for more efficiency.

I’ve been sorer than I have in a while for the past two weeks. I joke with my friends that it makes me go into some sort of weird workout blackout. I don’t remember what I’ve done, just that I keep working more and more muscles and pushing harder and harder. Rather than taking a a breather between sets, I add a leg and shoulder combo on chest day. I add an extra set of abs and back on leg day. I don’t know why. The go go juice just makes me feel like it’s the right thing to do.

I’ll be out of this by the end of the week. I should probably get more. It’s definitely worth the investment.

MOMMA LIKEY.

 

Gym Closure!

Last week, I packed up my gym bag, put on my workout gear and headed to my usual (dinky) gym. I arrived to find that they had started construction on it.

Now, it should be noted: I knew the construction was coming. They’d been talking about it for months. I thought they were going to start back in May. Last I asked the people working there, they said that’s when they thought it was going to start. It is now October. And I guess they decided now is as good a time as any.

The gym needs to be revamped. It needs major changes. It definitely needs a facelift. But there were no warning signs telling us that it was going to close down. And based on how everything else there seems to run, I have no idea when it’s going to open back up.

I didn’t get my workout in that day. Fine. No big deal. I’m not so obsessive that I need to get a major sweat in every day. I have flexibility in my schedule and can work around this stuff. Not worth getting all in a huff about.

But I have had to revamp my morning schedule completely. I’m lucky that there’s another gym close to me. It’s actually a lot bigger, newer, and nicer. And it’s technically a mile closer to me.

I don’t go there in the mornings for two reasons:

1. You have to park in a structure and remember to get your card validated. And, sometimes people can block you in, so you may have to leave your keys with a parking attendant. And all that is a lot of work.

And 2. In LA there is one major factor you have to plan around… traffic.

The old gym I was going to had no real traffic issues. I could easily go at any time in the morning and not have trouble. This gym- despite being closer- requires I take a major street in LA. I have to be at the gym by 7ish or traffic gets so bad, it’s not worth it.

Yes. That’s correct. By 7:30 am, the traffic on this street can get so backed up that a 5 minute drive turns into a 35 minute drive. That’s the price you pay for living in LA. Respect the traffic.

So for the past week, I’ve been getting up early to get to the gym in time on my workout days. It’s actually been a great excuse for me to get out of bed early. Before, I could always convince myself that I could sleep in. Now I know I can’t. If I sleep in those extra 10 minutes, I won’t be able to get my workout in.

So I get up. I get my ass in gear. And I go to the nicer, shinier, newer gym and get my workout in and move on with my day.

I’m trying to make friends with the parking attendant. So far, he’s having none of it. But I’ll wear him down. I wear everyone down eventually. Ask any of my “friends.”

All in all, it’s made me a more productive person.

And also a much sleepier one.

Sore is Good

If you’re out of shape and you first start working out, almost anything you do is going to make you really sore.

As you get into a workout routine, your body adapts. If you do exercises regularly, it’s harder to make your body sore unless you push it. It’s still very doable (up the reps, increase the weight, do a combination of both).

I make a little next-day soreness a goal of every workout. I want to be able to feel the difference in my body. It’s easy to be complacent and be ok with just getting to the gym. And at a certain point in your fitness goals, that can be a major accomplishment.

But soreness means you’ve pushed past a previous barrier. Your body is recovering from something you did that shocked it. It’s replacing the old stuff with something stronger.

Like anything else, a little pain means a lot of gain.

So know that the dumb walk you have to do because your legs are still killing you from yesterday’s squats should be a stride of pride, not a walk of shame.

And now, here’s the poster from the movie “Pain and Gain” for your inspirational viewing.

pain and gain

The Gun Show

Got your tickets?

I do comedy. It’s kinda my thing. I do it as much as I can. I’m constantly writing and performing and working on my craft.

I went to this one open mic yesterday that I love. It’s a really sweet environment and it’s GIRLZ ONLY.

I wore a nice sleeveless top because it’s laundry time so my pickings are slim.

And I’ll be honest, in that lighting, my arms looked fabulous.

I had just worked out my chest and arms that morning, so I felt even more confident. I went up to 20lbs from 15 lbs. I couldn’t get as many reps, but I did wear myself out which was nice.

I do this in part because I get onstages a lot and like when my fabulocity is noticed.

And believe you me, last night it was noticed.

Also because I pointed it out to everyone listening. So…

8 espressos 10.7.13

All Eyez on Me

pac shirts

 

I bought a Tupac shirt. I love it. Like, love love love love love it. I’ve had it less than a week. This will be the second time I wear it to the gym. I’ve already washed it so I could re-wear it after my last workout. I will be washing it again tomorrow so I can bring it when I visit Indianapolis this week.

The first time I wore it to the gym, the woman who checked me in said “That’s an awesome shirt.” I responded, “I know.”

It’s like my new comfort blanket. I don’t want to go anywhere without it.

And, for some reason,  I work out really hard when I’m wearing it.

Probably because all eyez are on me.

I Gave Up…

….But I like to think of it as “liberated myself.”

I won’t be able to run the America’s Finest City Half Marathon race on August 18. I already bought the ticket. I was already visualizing myself at the finish line getting my extra medal for completing all three races I’d been training for all year. Even officially typing these words is making me sad again. I thought I’d come to terms with it, but I guess I hadn’t fully accepted it yet.

Point is, there are a lot of factors that have dramatically changed up my life making that race much more difficult than it’s worth.

Without getting into the nitty gritty details, the biggest factor is the fact that I don’t quite trust my foot to not give out. It’s a few months away from total recovery- I’m afraid- and I don’t want to lose the headway I’ve made so far by annihilating it during this race.

I have a number of financial and personal commitments that have completely changed since I originally signed up several months ago. Instead of being able to have the weekend to myself to relax and enjoy the race, I’ll be spending the 17th and 18th working all day. Which is just fine, because I’ve got to get in some extra hours before I head home to Indianapolis on the 20th for the first time in almost 2 years.

It was going to be a stretch to be able to do this race as it is. I knew that. I was willing to do it. But now that I will not be running it, I’m trying to see the positives. I can save my foot. I can maybe resell the entry to recover some costs. Instead of getting an extra medal at the end of the finish line for completing the Triple Crown, I get to spend every day now in a brand new shiny pretty car. And in order to be able to afford that car, I need to spend the 17th and 18th working.

Everything happens for a reason. Even plantar fasciitis. I need to remind myself of that.

Sometimes, when we plan months in advance, we can’t follow through. Things change. Situations change. Bodies change. Relationships change. People change.

And that’s ok.

I won’t run the America’s Finest City Half Marathon. I am sad about it. I am disappointed. But I’m embracing the fact that all this change around me means there are great things around the corner.

You can’t plant a garden without tilling the soil. Right now, the universe swooped in and decided to till my soil. Maybe the timing is inconvenient, but hey- I’ve been asking for a garden for years so…HERE WE GO.

I’m “liberating myself” from a lot of previous structures I had in place. One of those structures included being able to run this race. Now that I won’t be running it, I can open up the space for new, exciting, inspiring energies.

Plus, I’ll have to just lift extra hard to make up for all the calories I can’t run off anymore. Watch out weight room fellas. It’s about to smell like Bath and Body Works all up in there.