While wearing a skintight nude bikini, licking her lips and thrusting her hips seductively, Lady Gaga encourages fans to be celibate

Fame monger and occasional musician, Lady Gaga is once again seeking the spotlight. This time, however, her message is genuinely surprising- a tough task for a woman who seems to pride herself on keeping her fans surprised. She is preaching abstinence.

What makes this move so surprising to so many of her fans and supporters is that the words she is saying seem opposite to the entire method behind her becoming such a superstar.

In every music video she has made, there are explicit physical references to sexual activity. Whether it be lying on a bed seductively, thrusting her hips repeatedly on couches, or-as in the most recent music video- an explicit shot where heavy petting in sensitive areas takes place while making out, Lady Gaga seems to relish in the attention her sexuality has gotten her. However, she has begun talking about and preaching celibacy to her fans and supporters.

Cherie, a 16-year-old supporter from Long Island, says, “It’s like a baker telling you that you shouldn’t bake in order to be like him. It just doesn’t make sense.” She adds, “I’m really confused.”

While the idea behind celibacy and abstinence are gaining in popularity for celebrities across the board, Lady Gaga does not seem to be one of the role models who’s work supports her supposed lifestyle.

Yet, fans are listening intently to everything she both says and does. Hoards of Gaga supporters have begun wearing stripper clothing and taking pole dancing classes, hoping to meet and seduce men they want to be platonic friends with.

Another culture revolution, courtesy of Lady Gaga.

Dirty person successfully dupes date through carefully hiding mess and spraying Febreeze

Danny Lubbers is not a con artist. Technically. Last Friday, however the short, stocky 32-year-old was able to pull one over on an innocent bystander during a date. His apartment, normally a typical bachelor pad with clothes and old dishes strewn about, smelled as if it had just been professionally cleaned. His date, a woman we’ll call “Anna”, thought the apartment was completely clean.

His secret? Lubbers simply states, “Febreeze. It works wonders.”

Lubbers recounts the story with a sense of pride. He said that about an hour before the date, after taking a quick shower and scrambling to find something appropriate that didn’t smell rancid and have tons of wrinkles, he realized the horrid state of his apartment.

Knowing that there was the possibility of the date ending at his place, and based on the tidiness of Anna’s appearance, he wanted to also appear put-together. In a frenzy, he threw his clothes under his bed and stuffed them in the closet. He did two rounds of dishes, simply throwing out the dishes that were beyond repair.

And then he had a stroke of genius. He sprayed Febreeze all over the place. And in doing so, secured the illusion that his place was immaculate.

When Anna came over after having a few drinks, she was blown away by how nice the entire place looked, considering it was a bachelor pad. She said the bits and pieces of dirt and dust she did see were completely forgotten by the overwhelming clean smell of the Febreeze.

Anna, and admitted clean-freak, believed that Lubbers was a clean man. Lubbers describes this experience as one of his shining moments in date history.

The verdict is still out as to whether or not there will be a second date. If there is, Lubbers claims he will continue to use Febreeze until Anna becomes so invested in him and their relationship, that he can finally reveal his dirty little secret.

Intensity of news anchor changes trivial story into seemingly life-altering news

Veteran news anchor Sasha Hamburg is an expert at making any story that’s handed to her of the utmost importance. This skill has landed her numerous positions throughout the news world over the past decade.

Now, as a local anchor for Channel 8 news in Carmel, IN, she finds herself transforming many of the often trivial stories thrown her way into life-altering news.

In order to accomplish this feat, she combines stern body language and intensity in her eyes with a slow-paced, deep voice, often ending the story with a bit of calculated yet seemingly spontaneous quiver. The results are always incredible.

Last week, she had a story about a needy dog that was adopted by a loving family. Though many news anchors would have read this with a seeming flippancy as light news at the end of a tough day of world events, Hamburg specifically asked for a close up and more intense mood lighting for the story. She told it with a glimpse of a tear in her eye and the calculated quiver in her voice. After the news, the station got a number of calls and emails telling them how much the story meant to their family and how it made them forget the rest of the exhausting news from around the world.

“All in a day’s work,” says Hamburg. She sits up straight, gets very close, and repeats, “All in a day’s work,” with a slight quiver in her voice.

Britney Spears new song lacks words “Oh” “Baby” and “Yeah”, fans outraged

As the pop princess prepares for another onslaught of #1 songs to hit the market, she has decided to-once again-change her image. Her new songs promise to be heartfelt ballads, sung completely a capella without her synthesized voice half-talking/half-singing over a generic dance beat. And she’s made one other big change. She’s eliminated the words “Oh”, “Baby”, and “Yeah” from the album completely. Her fans are irate.

“I listen to Britney so I can hear those three words said to the beat repeatedly throughout the song. I just don’t know how it can be the Brit I know without those words,” says 14-year-old fan Dakota who was practicing a provocative dance with two friends to the song “If U Seek Amy” for her school talent show. Leslie, another friend in a tiny mini-skirt and Britney “Circus” T-shirt chimed in, “I don’t want to listen to her voice. I want to hear the beats and superficial lyrics. It’s not like she’s a singer or anything.”

Britney’s representatives maintain that the move will be a good one for her. She believes that all her fans will continue to support her as she embarks on a new chapter in her career…one where she attempts to be a respectable singer.

Her representatives are also toying with the idea of her beginning to actually sing during her concerts rather than lip synch, but there has been no confirmation that that will actually ever happen.

Patient admits deep-dark secret to dentist during compelling one-sided conversation

During what seemed like a routine dental examination yesterday, Rodney Fairfield admitted to his dentist a number of facts from his past that he had kept hidden for years. In describing the experience, Fairfield admits, “I don’t know what came over me. We were having small chat like usual and I had to keep my mouth open and could barely make sense of what I was saying, but my dentist was listening so well and could understand every garbled word. I suddenly just felt really connected to her and had to share.”

Dr. Maria Grossman, Fairfield’s dentist, was not nearly as surprised as Fairfield about the event. “I talk to my patients while I’m working on them all the time. They speak in garbled moans and without much clarity, but after 30 years on the job, I understand every inarticulate word. This makes them feel comfortable and safe to say whatever they want,” she explains. “And there is a sense of privacy because everyone else in the office just hears grunts and moaning, or at best the sound of someone talking while someone else is holding their tongue. But, I speak patient-language, and can comfort the weary, drugged-up patients who are in pain from me attacking their teeth.”

Fairfield, who did not want to disclose the juicy information he told Dr. Grossman, said that he’s glad he told his dentist everything. “I didn’t actually have to say it, because technically I was just grunting and making sounds come out of my throat. But, we both know what I said, and it’s nice to have gotten it all off my chest.”

When asked if she ever shared the precious information that’s imparted onto her from her patients, Dr. Grossman adamantly denied it. Though she added, slyly, “Except, of course, when the information is way too juicy to keep to myself. I may share it at the local dentist hang outs just to get a conversation going. All of us who speak patient-language do!”

Dr. Grossman has been asked by a local dental university to create a course on dentist/patient relations. A huge chunk of her curriculum will focus on the deciphering of what patients are saying while being worked on. Though the course is a seminar that doesn’t begin until mid-September, there are already 200 dentist signed up and 52 more in the waiting list.