Stretched out sweat pants make fat girl feel skinny

Dolores May has always been big boned. She grew up with a particular affection for both pasta and sweets, which quickly resulted in a more curvaceous body than her peers.

For years, May struggled with what to wear to make herself feel like those around her. She loved the feeling of buying her clothes a little bigger so she could pretend they were older and that she had lost weight. She much preferred this feeling to wearing a pair of jeans that did not properly stretch around her full figure and showed off the non-delicious kind of rolls and muffin tops.

Last Saturday, however, May discovered that if she wore a pair of stretched out sweat pants, she felt like she was as skinny as Lindsay Lohan during her drug and partying days.

This feeling was extremely exciting and liberating for May, who has searched so long for that perfect article that will make her feel like a skinny girl.

Since the discovery, May has worn nothing but stretched out sweat pants. She wears them at home, at work, and-of course-at Wal Mart. She even saw people taking pictures of her and saying she’d be a star online. She knew it was because she looked so skinny and svelte in her favorite pants.

Though she has yet to take tangible steps towards achieving the goal, May has discussed starting up a plus-sized clothing line known for pre-stretched sweat pants. She has also thought about losing some weight.

Tight black pants not found to be universally slimming

Despite their normally flattering color and typically slimming effect, a new study has shown that not all people who wear black tights will make them look good. In fact, there is a segment of the population that, when wearing black tights, will actually look more unattractive than if they had chosen almost any other pant option.

The study, conducted by the Center for Ugliness Prevention, CUP, showed that if a person were about 30-70 lbs too heavy for their frame, the black tights were most likely to have an adverse effect on their overall look.

The biggest surprise of the CUP study is the fact that people up to 30 lbs overweight, can still actually look good in the black tights if they have any definition in their legs. Anything at 30 lbs or more, however, has an opposite effect for the viewer. The study shows people tend to stop and stare more, often wondering why a person that big would choose to wear such tight clothes.

CUP issued a public service announcement with their latest findings, asking people who are overweight to shy away from wearing black pants any more and assuring them once and for all that they do not look nearly as good in them as they may think.

Perceptive child points out local man’s flaws to crowded restaurant patrons

Julia Walker is especially proud of her talkative 5-year-old Peter today. Peter, a mere child with limited vocabulary, was brave enough to point out the awful sight of an obese man who’s pants were not covering his entire backside as he sat and ate in a crowded downtown restaurant yesterday.

While Peter plays with a train in the corner, Walker recalls her son’s bravery. “We were all thinking how awful the sight of the top of the man’s hairy backside was, when my little Peter just yelled out ‘Mommy, mommy! That fat guys has an hairy, ugly butt! Look Mommy! I can push my choo choo train all the way down that hairy tunnel!’ Though I pulled him away from the man quickly, I was beaming with pride as the rest of the restaurant looked on.”

Walker is somewhat blunt and bold herself, but has learned over the years that there are many things she wishes she could say that social standards would not look highly upon. So, she has made sure her little Peter always speaks his mind, because, in her mind, children are allowed to be much more honest than adults in most situations.

This is not the first time Peter has been honest and open about pointing out other people’s flaws around him. He and his friends in kindergarten are well-known for always telling the teacher when she does something or looks out of the ordinary. They act as watch-dogs for the class, making sure every day is somewhat similar to the day before and that the teacher gives them some semblance of routine.

Though many people think it may be a phase associated with Peter’s age, his mother hopes it continues throughout his life. “I want to encourage Peter to always speak his mind, even if what he’s saying is unpopular or may hurt someone’s feelings. Sure, it may get him beat up once or twice in high school, but nothing’s cuter than the little rebel in the corner. He’ll get all sorts of girls-and they’ll only be the perfect ones. Anyone with flaws won’t get near him. And that’s what I want for my baby. Perfection.”

When asked what he thought about the whole incident, Peter looked up quickly from his train and simply said, “Your teeth are yellow.” His mother beamed, “See what I mean? You know you need to give up that coffee habit, but it takes someone with the bravery of my little Peter to let you know the rest of us notice, too.”

From the mouth’s of babes.

Trail mix transforms from delicious to bland with consumption of final chocolate chip

Jack Redd sits on his couch looking longingly at a bowl of trail mix. “I don’t know what happened,” he says with tears nearly swelling up in his eyes. “I kept going for the chocolate pieces because they taste the best but they were mixed in with trail mix so I figured they had to be good for me. And suddenly, they were gone.” He gets emotional again, “And now I don’t want any of it anymore!”

This isn’t an isolated incident for Redd. The self-proclaimed chocoholic admittedly loves to go for the sweets and chocolate in his trail mixes. But over the years, his desire to finish the rest of the trail mix once the sweets are gone, has continuously diminished.

“I just wish there were some way to make a trail mix with nothing but chocolates in it so I wouldn’t always run into this problem,” he adds. When asked if he had ever considered buying a bag of chips separately or a simple candy bar, he responded, “Oh, I’m very health conscious. I would never think of buying that stuff alone. The sugar and fat are very bad for you, you know.”

Until a Redd and so many others who suffer from trail mix transformation issues can find a more permanent solution, he is stuck with a bowl of plain nuts.

Politicians contribute to childhood obesity by passing out candy at parade

Throughout the summer, many political hopefuls have been marching around their respective states, handing out candy and making a name for themselves amongst normal families. Normally this is an exciting and positive time for local communities.

For Belinda Werther of Middleton, Ohio, however, this is devastating to her family. “The parade route is right outside our back door, so we have to go check out every parade throughout the summer. And politicians-people supposedly concerned about my children’s future, are constantly handing out bits of candy. And…” she tears up, barely able to control herself, “…my kids are already so fat! And these politicans come in and give them more candy! It just feeds their sugar addiction! It’s awful.”

One politician, who only allowed us to use this quote if he remained unnamed, admitted to the complexity of the issue, “We have to choose the lesser of several evils here. If we hand out fruit, our hands could have germs on them that could get kids sick. Or, the fruit could be filled with pesticides and hormones, that it could have long-term issues. If we give out hugs, we are deemed as inappropriate and accused of all sorts of unsavory behavior. We have to give out candy. It’s the only option we’ve got left.”

For Werther, there’s no excuse. “It’s their fault my children are obese.” She began sobbing again and reaching for some ice cream for comfort food, claiming “I don’t know where they get the habit. It must just be genetic and there’s nothing I can do about it.” She takes a heaping spoonful of the ice cream and adds, “Nothing at all.”

*Authors note, the title of this story was from a contributing writer-though the content was from the usual source.