Dec 2- Dec 8, 2011 Jokes!

Kim Kardashian is upset that her former three-month husband filed for an annulment, claiming that she doesn’t want a battle with him. She said she just wants the whole things to be over, which is ironic because that’s how most people feel about her career.

Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant with a second child with long-time-boyfriend and professional douchebag Scott Disick, despite the couple’s tumultuous on-camera relationship. The child will be the first time a child is born out of wedlock to an unstable couple in the history of humanity. Clearly.

I am also getting tired of the Kardashian jokes. If the news media could please report on something else for a change, I could also change it up. Until then, this is what we’re all stuck.

Lady Gaga claims that her latest self-directed music video for the song “Marry the Night,” is an autobigraphical story of the pop star herself, adding that she prefers to remember her past “in an artistic way.” Which most people translate into meaning, “completely make believe.”

A hunter in Utah was accidentally shot in the butt by his own gun shot by his own dog. Maybe next time he’ll learn to give his dog that little bit of table food he’s begging for.

New Gingrich has been recently expanding his views on child labor, arguing that the children of poverty have no habit of earning money legally. He then added, “Besides, somebody needs to make my latest wife a nice pair of shoes.”

A man in Key West Florida received a great deal of publicity this week for a show he’s been presenting for a long time. He’s trained his domestic cats to jump through fiery hoops. Which is shocking since I can’t get my own cat to jump off my desk without putting up a huge fight.

A Thai-born American was sentenced to 2.5 years in prison for insulting the Thai monarchy. In a parallel story, an American-born American was sentenced to 2.5 years of living without Thai food for insulting a local Thai diner. Which sentence is worse? Only time will tell.

The Mars Rover “Opportunity” has found more evidence of water on Earth’s neighboring planet. So, like, can’t we just sent, like, the country of Africa to mars so they can, like, you know, have more water or whatever?

The city of Stockton, CA set a new homicide record this week by reaching 56 homicides so far this year. Residents of Stockton have set a record number of New Year’s resolutions to move the hell out of there.

Texts between police officers at Occupy Denver have been release to the public, showing the officers distain for the protestors and referring to them as “grungy hippies.” Many people are not so much concerned at the police’s distain, but their inability to differentiate between “grungy hippie” and “normal hipster.”

A woman in Santa Monica claimed she found staples in the food she ordered from Taco Bell food. Store officials have countered that she requested her taco be “extra crunchy,” and didn’t specify what that meant.

Despite being a registered and convicted sex offender, a Colorado Springs man is still running a gym where young women and families come to train. Though many families feel trapped since there are no other local gyms in the area, many girls enjoy the compliments and extra attention they receive from the owner.

A family in Virginia are being plagued by their dead mother’s hacked email account, which sends them daily emails offering “male enhancement” and “cheap viagra.” Though they believe it is simply because of a hacker, some members of the family are taking it as a sign that the husband may need to improve his game in the bedroom.

Republican Presidential front-runner New Gingrich vows to stay positive despite hopeful Mitt Romney’s campaign attacks. He also vows that his vows mean nothing.

Republican Presidential front-runner New Gingrich vows to stay positive despite hopeful Mitt Romney’s campaign attacks. Though, he admits that if a better, younger looking idea comes along that seems to get him a little farther than staying positive, he’ll jump ship immediate and vow to be faithful to that idea for a while.

During a book signing, a young boy told Michelle Bachmann that his gay mother “Didn’t need fixing,” a remark Bachmann later called “reprehensible.” Well, that’s what you get when you let the gay’s raise children. Youth with opinions who aren’t afraid to speak their mind to the people who are supposedly representing those opinions. Reprehensible.

During a book signing, a young boy told Michelle Bachmann that his gay mother “Didn’t need fixing,” a remark Bachmann later called “reprehensible.” She then pat herself on the back for using a five-syllable-word correctly.

Lack of overnight muggings and murders baffles Detroit police

Last Sunday, when Police Chief Harold Grossman reported for duty, he was ready to hear the usual onslaught of horror stories from the night before.

This past weekend, however, was an eerily quiet one on the streets of Detroit. For the first time in Chief Grossman’s tenure as a police officer, nothing significant happened overnight. Grossman explains, “This city is a very dangerous, disturbing place. For nothing to happen over a busy weekend is unnerving. It’s almost like the calm before the storm. It makes me terrified of what will happen next weekend.”

Detroit residents were also shocked to open the paper and not see reports of murders or muggings throughout the area over the weekend. Ben Rowings, a long-time Detroit resident, claimed “The paper was filled with fluff stories about the improving economy and available jobs in cities other than Detroit. But the juicy stuff, the stuff that makes Detroit earn its name as the butthole of America, all that stuff was gone! I don’t know what to read! I don’t know what to believe anymore! I’m so upset and confused.”

“We define ourselves by our crimes and our pitiful responses to them. Without the crime, we don’t know who we are,” Grossman explains.

Chief Grossman has issued a public statement that thugs throughout Detroit need to have better communication so a lull in action like the past weekend never happens again.