Tag: politics

Jan 13-23, 2012 Some More Jokes!

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Obama asked Congress this week for the power to consolidate several government agencies with overlapping authority and thereby reduce the power of the government. He’s said to have first gotten the idea after being bombarded with emails dealing with ‘shrinkage.’

Axl Rose was on jury duty for four days this week, saying it was ‘relatively painless.’ He also admit that the number of drugs he’s put into his body over the years have left him numb to all feeling, so that could be why he didn’t have any issues.

Many popular Wikipedia, Google, Craiglist and many other information sites protested an anti-piracy bill by making their content unavailable this week. Which means there will be one day this week where nobody will know anything about anything. Get ready.

California Governor Jerry Brown supported a $100 million dollar bullet train rail project this week. He is planning on paying for the project with monopoly money, since the state is completely bankrupt.

A woman gave birth on a New Jersey commuter train this week, with other passengers helping out in the process. Apparently, most of the other passengers were delighted at the event because they could identify-for the first time- the gooey substance on the seat next to them.

LA’s porn industry, which is an $8 billion dollar industry with 90% of it’s films created in the SFV, is threatening to leave if state legislators follow through on a bill that requires the actors to use condoms in their films. If that move were to actually happen, the loss of revenue in the SFV would make it impossible for anyone to purchase anything… especially not condoms.

The TSA issued an apology today to two elderly women who claimed they were inappropriately partially strip searched while flying to Florida. The agency also apologized to the TSA agent forced to strip search these women.

Former playmate turned reality star Kendra Wilkinson has been really open about her latest diet, one that consists of lots of nuts. Which is no surprise coming from a woman who’s entire career is built on her affinity for nuts in her mouth.

Kodak company has filed for bankruptcy marking the end of a technological era. And the beginning of a new pointless hipster trend.

Seal and Heidi Klum are getting divorced.. making it impossible to believe in celebrity true love anywhere.

Kim Kardashian has asked that people not call her 72-day marriage a to Kris Humphries ‘business decision.’ She emphasized, “It was also for pure publicity purposes.”

Miley Cyrus cut five inches off her hair. Which is arguably the most interesting choice the teen star has ever made.

Lego company’s a new line of Legos specifically marketed toward girls, with more slender figures and stylish clothes, are causing quite a controversy with critics saying the toys promote body dissatisfaction. Body-image experts are apparently worried girls everywhere will start to tape or even surgically meld their hands together to look more like the fingerless cupped hands of their plastic doll idols.

Dec 2- Dec 8, 2011 Jokes!

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Kim Kardashian is upset that her former three-month husband filed for an annulment, claiming that she doesn’t want a battle with him. She said she just wants the whole things to be over, which is ironic because that’s how most people feel about her career.

Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant with a second child with long-time-boyfriend and professional douchebag Scott Disick, despite the couple’s tumultuous on-camera relationship. The child will be the first time a child is born out of wedlock to an unstable couple in the history of humanity. Clearly.

I am also getting tired of the Kardashian jokes. If the news media could please report on something else for a change, I could also change it up. Until then, this is what we’re all stuck.

Lady Gaga claims that her latest self-directed music video for the song “Marry the Night,” is an autobigraphical story of the pop star herself, adding that she prefers to remember her past “in an artistic way.” Which most people translate into meaning, “completely make believe.”

A hunter in Utah was accidentally shot in the butt by his own gun shot by his own dog. Maybe next time he’ll learn to give his dog that little bit of table food he’s begging for.

New Gingrich has been recently expanding his views on child labor, arguing that the children of poverty have no habit of earning money legally. He then added, “Besides, somebody needs to make my latest wife a nice pair of shoes.”

A man in Key West Florida received a great deal of publicity this week for a show he’s been presenting for a long time. He’s trained his domestic cats to jump through fiery hoops. Which is shocking since I can’t get my own cat to jump off my desk without putting up a huge fight.

A Thai-born American was sentenced to 2.5 years in prison for insulting the Thai monarchy. In a parallel story, an American-born American was sentenced to 2.5 years of living without Thai food for insulting a local Thai diner. Which sentence is worse? Only time will tell.

The Mars Rover “Opportunity” has found more evidence of water on Earth’s neighboring planet. So, like, can’t we just sent, like, the country of Africa to mars so they can, like, you know, have more water or whatever?

The city of Stockton, CA set a new homicide record this week by reaching 56 homicides so far this year. Residents of Stockton have set a record number of New Year’s resolutions to move the hell out of there.

Texts between police officers at Occupy Denver have been release to the public, showing the officers distain for the protestors and referring to them as “grungy hippies.” Many people are not so much concerned at the police’s distain, but their inability to differentiate between “grungy hippie” and “normal hipster.”

A woman in Santa Monica claimed she found staples in the food she ordered from Taco Bell food. Store officials have countered that she requested her taco be “extra crunchy,” and didn’t specify what that meant.

Despite being a registered and convicted sex offender, a Colorado Springs man is still running a gym where young women and families come to train. Though many families feel trapped since there are no other local gyms in the area, many girls enjoy the compliments and extra attention they receive from the owner.

A family in Virginia are being plagued by their dead mother’s hacked email account, which sends them daily emails offering “male enhancement” and “cheap viagra.” Though they believe it is simply because of a hacker, some members of the family are taking it as a sign that the husband may need to improve his game in the bedroom.

Republican Presidential front-runner New Gingrich vows to stay positive despite hopeful Mitt Romney’s campaign attacks. He also vows that his vows mean nothing.

Republican Presidential front-runner New Gingrich vows to stay positive despite hopeful Mitt Romney’s campaign attacks. Though, he admits that if a better, younger looking idea comes along that seems to get him a little farther than staying positive, he’ll jump ship immediate and vow to be faithful to that idea for a while.

During a book signing, a young boy told Michelle Bachmann that his gay mother “Didn’t need fixing,” a remark Bachmann later called “reprehensible.” Well, that’s what you get when you let the gay’s raise children. Youth with opinions who aren’t afraid to speak their mind to the people who are supposedly representing those opinions. Reprehensible.

During a book signing, a young boy told Michelle Bachmann that his gay mother “Didn’t need fixing,” a remark Bachmann later called “reprehensible.” She then pat herself on the back for using a five-syllable-word correctly.

August 1- August 5 Headlines Jokes!

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Enjoy.

Congress has finally reached a deal to raise the debt ceiling and avoid the US defaulting- for the first time in history- on it’s national loans. Republicans and Democrats were proud to tell their young constituents everywhere they they, too, were able to “raise the roof.”

In a recent British poll, Helen Mirren won the Body of the Year, beating out significantly younger competitors, including Jennifer Lopez. Mirren, who is in her mid-60s, is proud to finally bring some competition against Betty White for GILF of the Year Award.

A Florida Judge ordered Casey Anthony to return to Orlando to serve a year of probation from a previous check fraud conviction. Anthony is expected to spend a lot of time at Disneyworld…because it’s the happiest place on earth.

A church in Stockton, CA is offering Drive-Thru Prayers for people too busy to take a few moments and pray themselves. All heathens are guaranteed a free side of judgement.

A latex Casey Anthony mask sold on EBay for almost $1M this weekend. The mask is reportedly thought to have been purchased by Anthony herself, since she has only recently learned that a little bit of latex can keep away a lot of trouble.

A man in Vestial, NY caught a snapshot of what he claims is a UFO that he and at least 10 other people saw in their small town. When he told federal authorities about the sighting, they responded “What the hell is a Vestial, NY?”

A Texas man has invented a contraption that can make water out of air. Unfortunately for the man, his neighbors are convinced he’s the devil and have shunned him from all Bible studies in his local town.

PBS is revisiting the classic show “Mr. Rogers Neighborhood” with a new animated program hosted by a tiny cartoon tiger. The tiger will be changing the greeting from the original “Hi, neighbor” to a more accurate, “Hi, breakfast.”

Ashton Kutcher’s character on Two and a Half Men will be named Walden Schmidt, according to a CBS executive. Which, ironically, happens to be the name of Charlie Sheen’s left testicle.

A new Chinese study suggests that chewing your food more could make you feel more satisfied. Which finally answers the important, constant, age-old question of why Cookie Monster never seems satisfied.

A new Chinese study suggests that chewing your food more could make you feel more satisfied. So, you hear that third world civilians? It’s your own damn fault your hungry. You should be chewing your rations for longer and stop complaining about not being satisfied.

Anheuser-Busch unveiled a new design for its Budweiser beer, which will be available to the US this summer. Despite the new exciting design, the beer inside still tastes like the same crap.

Ukraine’s government has vowed to free all bears that are used for entertainment and often forced to drink alcohol. In a related story, Ukranian women everywhere are upset to be constantly mistaken for drunken bears at bars, and have recently taken up more facial and body waxing.

Facebook is now allowing parents-to-be to create personal profiles for their unborn children. Pedophiles everywhere are gearing up for some busy months ahead.

Facebook is now allowing parents-to-be to create personal profiles for their unborn children.

BP gas prices, like their reputation, reach an all-time low

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After the devastating oil spill in the Gulf, BP has been looking for ways to improve their tarnished image and reputation. And, in a small town in south east Ohio, they may have found the perfect solution.

This picture was taken last weekend in a small town outside of Cincinnati, Ohio. It has not been photoshopped or doctored in anyway (because I don’t have the skills for that…) It must mean either BP is struggling financially a lot more than we think they are, since they’re willing to almost give away their gas. Or, that they’re wanting their customers to return to them, even if it takes almost giving away gas to rebuild loyalty.

What are your thoughts on the matter?

Cheap BP Gas
Almost free

Solo public transit passenger pretends bus is personal limo

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Since the Chicago Transit Authority announced it would be making several significant cuts to both bus and train routes, Melanie Pickett figured she’d never again be lonely on a bus.

Last Monday evening, however, that was not the case.

Pickett was taking the #22 almost to the end of it’s route, when she looked around. There were only two people on the bus. Within a stop, the other passenger was off the bus and she was alone. She looked around in excitement.

Out of habit, she sat towards the back of the bus since she was used to not getting a seat in the front. This particular night, she found that it made her feel like she was being personally chauffeured around. Beyond that, her proximity to the driver made her feel like she was in a limousine and the driver would drop her off exactly where she wanted.

The only other time Pickett had been in a limousine was when she was headed to her senior prom. The memory suddenly made her feel very elegant, and she pretended to be wearing an expensive gown and headed somewhere important.

The driver, who remained unaware of the elaborate scenario being played out in her only passenger’s head, drove as most CTA drivers do…fast and bumpy.

Pickett pretended to be disgusted with the rough nature of the ride and began mumbling things under her breath. She told her driver that she would not be getting a tip this time around and threatened her if anything happened to her intricate updo.

The driver, noticing her only passenger seemed to be talking to herself and looking up in the mirror constantly, began to drive even faster to finish her route. Pickett responded with louder complaints about her chauffeuring skills and how she would not be using her services again. Pickett continued to complain about the ride, claiming that she would give the driver a piece of her mind if she could only figure out how to make the window that separated them go down.

The driver, at this point hearing everything the woman was saying, began to consider other careers-ones that ideally don’t require interacting with bizarre human beings on a daily basis.

Finally, Pickett’s stop approached and she signaled to the driver that they were almost there. She got up, discussed with herself how nice it was that limousines were now big enough to accommodate walking around, brushed off her imaginary dress and touched up her hair, and walked off the bus.

Once the freezing wind hit her face, accompanied by clumps of ice and snow, Pickett snapped back into reality.

Many question whether Palin is fit for Fox News, claiming she is “unbalanced”

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Despite the clear excitement from many of her conservative supporters, many people are now wondering how good a choice it was for Fox News to bring Sarah Palin onto their news team.

The news networks slogan for years has clearly been “fair and balanced,” and though they admit to not caring too much about remaining true to it, many people argue that Palin’s addition is a slap in the face to those who believe that the station should be “fair” and “balanced.” For them, Palin is clearly an unbalanced person, with many issues and demons she faces in the public eye every day.

From stepping down from being governor of Alaska midway through her term in order to finish a set of memoirs and go on a lucrative book tour, to preaching abstinence-only education while having a daughter who becomes a teenage mother, some argue Palin is the definition of someone who is unbalanced in both her career and personal life.

When confronted with the hypocrisy, Fox News representatives replied with a simple, “Meh. She’ll get us good ratings we hope.”

Sarah Palin joins Fox News cast; her new makeup artist quips she’s now “Going Rouge”.

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Despite always wearing heavy makeup along the campaign trail to appear fresh and chipper, Sarah Palin faces a new challenge in a world seemingly filled of them for her. She will be a regular commentator on Fox News. This time around, the challenge will be adjusting to having TV makeup put on her before she gets on camera every single time.

Few people are accustomed to the layers of TV makeup that are required in order to look natural on camera. Palin’s new makeup artist, who has been specifically assigned to her every time she goes on air for consistency purposes, joked that Palin is now “Going Rouge” because of the high amount of foundation she’ll be putting on her skin. When making the joke to the former governor, Palin looked at the artist stone faced and said, simply, “It’s Rogue. Going Rogue.” The artist, wanting to make a connection with her new client, joked back, “Oh right-like the X-men!” Palin, remaining stone faced, repeated, “No, like rogue. Like a maverick.” In one final feeble attempt, the artist responded with, “Top Gun style?”. There was a moment of silence between the two woman, which was finally broken by Palin saying, stone faced, “It’s Rogue.”

Despite the pitfalls, the makeup artist still hopes Palin will understand the joke one day and the two can be friends. “At least she didn’t call me the “L” word,” she said. “That liberal title can mean unemployment around here.”

Palin says she will comment on Fox News via satellites on her front porch, claiming to want to “keep an eye on Russia”

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Sarah Palin, Fox’s latest newsroom hire, has claimed that she wants to do many of her interviews via satellite in Alaska rather than making the trek to the continental United States. She claims that she needs to keep an eye out for Alaska, even though she’s no longer governor. She says she protects Alaska now by often staying out on her front porch and staring at Russia.

Palin feels more adamantly than ever, given Russia’s current political changes, that it is really important to guard the home front from the front lines. She wants the entire nation to see what a brave citizen she is by staying on her front porch and watching Russia with “snake eyes.”

“Much like the scouts in the wild, wild west who were sent to watch the horizon, so I sit with my eye on the border,” she said, quickly realizing it was a statement profound and poetic enough to Tweet.

When asked how often she would be seen actually in person on the station, she answered, “I hate going into the lion’s den because New York City has so many liberals. But I’ll do it if that’s what my country needs.”

Until her country calls her, however, Palin remains faithful to Alaska by sitting on her front porch and staring into the distance, simply muttering “Stay off my lawn, Ruskies. I know you’re out there,” as do the other old men in neighborhoods all over the world.

Fox News will replace words with colorful drawings on cue cards for new commentator Sarah Palin

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Upon signing Sarah Palin as a regular guest commentator on Fox News, immediate changes began to be made all over the station to accommodate her. Any coffee mugs from Caribou Coffee were immediately outlawed, for fear that the former governor would shoot at them upon first sight. All the stations women workers were given specific Palin-style glasses, whether or not they had a prescription that needed them. And, perhaps most significantly, her cue cards were agreed to be changed from words to colorful drawings.

While the rest of the Fox News commentators will use large words on their cue cards, Palin’s representatives say she does better with more general, abstract reminders of the points.

For instance, if there’s a debate on healthcare coverage, it’s more helpful for Palin to see a stick figure labeled “Democrat” with bloody knife standing over a stabbed senior citizen and a small picture of Obama with a Hitler mustache in the corner. Or if the discussion is centering around the economy, it’s helpful for Palin to see a picture of Obama with a turban and a Hitler mustache burning a pile of bills. Or, if the discussion is about terrorism, it’s helpful for her to have a picture of Obama with a Stalin hat on top of his turban and a Hitler mustache in a treehouse with a label of “Secret Meeting! No Republicans allowed!” sitting next to Nancy Pelosi, Hilary Clinton, Osama Bin Ladin, Pol Pot, Stalin, and Hitler himself. All of those people would have to be labeled for clarification, but the general gist should be clear enough to give Palin room to riff on the subject matter for a while.

The colors also help keep her attention span, which has been known to wane on occasion. When called out on her inability to stay on a single subject matter for longer than a few moments, she sighs and simply explains, “I am such a woman!”

Fox News admits using different camera angle on new commentator Sarah Palin, in order to accommodate both her legs and her hair.

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New Fox News commentator Sarah Palin is known not only for her hard-line stances on many controversial issues and simple expressions that attempt to reach all Americans. She’s also known for having both brains and beauty. Especially the beauty.

Not since Condoleezza Rice has a person shattered so many stereotypes about what it means to be a woman and conservative. Both Rice and Palin have an extraordinary ability to speak and think like wealthy, old, white men. But, their appearances are quite different.

Palin is what some consider traditionally pretty. She has moderately nice features and puts herself together well. A former beauty pageant contestant, she knows how to hold herself with poise and speak when spoken to, two traits conservative men love.

And conservative men also love her toned legs, which she shows off in both heels and skirts, and her non-threatening updo. For many men, it reminds them that as much power as she might garner, she still cares about what the opposite gender think of her enough to keep her hair long and take time to put it up every morning. And for many conservative women, she is the epitome of retaining elements of your femininity in a liberal world that wants everyone to wear flannel and convert women to lesbianism.

That’s why Fox News will be catering to Palins unique look by creating a very specific camera angle that encompasses both her legs and her hair, to remind viewers why it is they listen to her. That way, they can have the station on mute and still glean all the information from her that they could possibly glean.

When asked to describe this camera angle and how they could possibly always be sure to feature two distinctly different parts of her body, Fox News representatives simply said, “You’ll have to watch and see.”