December 16, 2011 JOKES!

Britney Spears is engaged to her long-time boyfriend and former manager, a stable man with whom she’d has been extremely happy. Based on Spears’ previous taste in men, experts are giving this union 10-14 days.

Kobe Bryant’s wife is filing for divorce after 10 years of marriage. The woman who notoriously stood by his side during allegations of assault and adultery cited “irreconcilable differences” for their reasoning. Turns out someone finally explained to her what assault and adultery actually mean.

Scarlett Johansson publicly complained about the use of her nickname “ScarJo” saying she didn’t understand how people would be so lazy as to not say her full name. Geez, ScarJo, don’t u know like airybody abbrev’s now? Who’s got time to say full names anymre?

Rob Kardashian is launching a dress sock line. Because the only thing more boring than Rob Kardashian are socks designed by Rob Kardashian.

Christian Bale was attacked by Chinese guards during a recent trip in an attempt to visit a controversial Chinese figure. Bale was apparently getting into the guard’s shot and screwing up their rhythm. The actor said he completely understood their frustration, having experienced something similar in the recent past.

A man in a santa claus hat robbed a bank in Encinitas this week, explaining to the teller that his son was sick and he couldn’t afford to pay. He added, “Besides, this hat alone cost me $40,000 so you can see why I’m strapped for cash.”

July 25- July 29, 2011 HEADLINE JOKES!

Kim Kardashian revealed she has psoriasis, a skin condition which manifests itself as red patches on her legs. She and her family are proud to announce this is the first disease the reality star has contracted that is not contagious.

Google+ has surpassed 20 million users in its short existence. Now that it’s popular, many hipsters are leaving the site already, complaining that they knew about it before it even existed.

Justin Howard (aka Nordic Thunder) won the US Air Guitar National Finals in Chicago last weekend. To celebrate, he talked to a real live woman.

Jay Cutler is reportedly no longer engaged to reality TV star Kristen Cavallari. Though both are remaining quiet on the issue, rumors suggest that Cavallari may have finally watched a Bears game from last season and changed her mind about Cutler.

Hot Doug’s, the Avondale hot dog restaurant that always has a line waiting for food, was forced to close on Saturday because of the rain water from Friday night. Sources claim Doug was afraid the water would cause hot dog shrinkage and ruin the reputation of his products.

The US Postal service is considering closing fourteen Chicago-area post offices. Many post office workers and hundreds of trolls that guard the mail in the back rooms are worried about finding new jobs if that happens.

A Glendale, CA man was hospitalized after attempting to remove a protruding hernia from his own body by using a butter knife this past week. He reportedly said it looked delicious.

MGD 64 Lemonade is being discontinued after low sales across the board. Miller Beer has formally apologized to the group of men hired specifically to pee in the bottles before packaging to improve the taste, and promises to help find them work in another department.

Researchers in Tanzania have created a serum that smells like foot odor to lure in and kill mosquitos in an attempt to control malaria and other mosquito-spread diseases. Frat boys everywhere are being recruited to help with the cause.

Jersey Shore reality star Pauly D will be joining Britney Spears “Femme Fatale” tour starting August 17. Britney fans are concerned that the move will make even Britney look trashy.

Jesse James and Kat Von D have called off their engagement. Yeah. I don’t give a shit either.

All five actors who played the children in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” will be reuniting for the first time in 40 years in Chicago this August. Apparently Veruca Salt insisted upon it saying, “I don’t care how, I want it now!” And after 40 years, the others finally gave in.

Angelina Jolie showing off new “sexy” side in upcoming movie, “Salt”

After years of comedic, sidekick roles where she was often kept out of the spotlight and her beauty was covered with dull makeup, Angelina Jolie is finally coming out of her shell with her new movie “Salt.”

Known for her comedic- rather than sexual- prowess, moviegoers everywhere are anxious to see how Jolie holds up in an action movie where she will be more dependent on her looks and sexuality as never before.

In “Salt,” Jolie plays a mysterious agent with a shady history and unsure loyalties. The role will require Jolie to slim down, appear more muscular, and change her hair color several times- three things the actress has never had to do before.

“I’ve always been so dependent on my comedic skills,” Jolie commented. “Becoming sexy will be the challenge of a lifetime.”

The somewhat frumpy Jolie has been slowly getting made over by personal trainers and makeup artists alike. Most professionals agree that, thanks to modern technology, she could possibly be seen as having leading lady potential in this film.

It’s a chance to transform her comedic image into a sexier one. And Jolie will pounce on it…sexily.

While wearing a skintight nude bikini, licking her lips and thrusting her hips seductively, Lady Gaga encourages fans to be celibate

Fame monger and occasional musician, Lady Gaga is once again seeking the spotlight. This time, however, her message is genuinely surprising- a tough task for a woman who seems to pride herself on keeping her fans surprised. She is preaching abstinence.

What makes this move so surprising to so many of her fans and supporters is that the words she is saying seem opposite to the entire method behind her becoming such a superstar.

In every music video she has made, there are explicit physical references to sexual activity. Whether it be lying on a bed seductively, thrusting her hips repeatedly on couches, or-as in the most recent music video- an explicit shot where heavy petting in sensitive areas takes place while making out, Lady Gaga seems to relish in the attention her sexuality has gotten her. However, she has begun talking about and preaching celibacy to her fans and supporters.

Cherie, a 16-year-old supporter from Long Island, says, “It’s like a baker telling you that you shouldn’t bake in order to be like him. It just doesn’t make sense.” She adds, “I’m really confused.”

While the idea behind celibacy and abstinence are gaining in popularity for celebrities across the board, Lady Gaga does not seem to be one of the role models who’s work supports her supposed lifestyle.

Yet, fans are listening intently to everything she both says and does. Hoards of Gaga supporters have begun wearing stripper clothing and taking pole dancing classes, hoping to meet and seduce men they want to be platonic friends with.

Another culture revolution, courtesy of Lady Gaga.

Despite hectic schedule and long hours, TV doctors manage to keep perfectly coiffed hair and makeup

TV doctors have some of the most demanding schedules of any TV profession. They often find themselves professionally dealing with complicated life or death situations and personally struggling with a number of hardships at any given time.

Despite the struggles, however, the majority of good-looking TV doctors remain looking fresh, pampered, and beautiful. That way, even if they’re telling a distraught family they’ve lost their only child, they look classy.

Thank goodness.

Justin Beiber music video shoot takes three days longer than expected due to uncooperative hair

Young pop sensation Justin Beiber has won a lot of teenybopper hearts with his literal boyish charm and generic good looks. Perhaps what sets Beiber apart from so many other boys his age, and what sets the hearts of his fan’s on fire, is his meticulously side-swept dirty blonde hair.

In every music video the young star creates, his hair seems to steal the show. During the filming of his latest video “Baby”, a duet featuring hip hop artist Ludacris, Bieber’s hair was being rather uncooperative.

Rather than simply staying on whatever side it had been carefully combed to, the hair would-on occasion- fall in the star’s face making him look more like your average emo teenager than the rising pop icon he is. Every time the hair became unruly, all filming and production had to stop in order to attempt to tame it.

One of the eight stylists on set to take care of Beiber, suggested a different cut for the young star. When everyone became silent and stared him down, he smiled uncomfortable and suggested maybe they just even it out so it’s not such a pain to work with.

The stylist was fired on the spot.

Though the shoot took three days longer than expected, Beiber’s hair managed to remain in the perfect positioning throughout the shots in the video, often defying gravity and keeping itself parallel to the ground while sitting on his head.

Beiber personally declined to comment because he was fully engrossed in his afternoon nap while this story was being written. His publicist said simply, “It’s very important for a boy his age to get plenty of sleep in the afternoon. He’s still growing, after all.”

After purchasing her first Miley Cyrus song, woman dies a little inside

Though there was a part of Paula Frenner that knew it would be inevitable to hold off from some day purchasing a song by the Hannah Montana star she loathed, but she had no idea the day would come so soon.

The sun shone brightly on that Spring day as Frenner scrambled to put together a presentation for the next day’s board meeting. In her presentation, she was to show she was still connected to youth culture-specifically young girls. In this interactive presentation, she needed a song to seem connected…and she knew turned to the dark side.

“I didn’t know where else to turn,” Frenner explains, almost crying. “I knew Miley Cyrus would make me seem hip and cool…but…” Frenner began to trail off, seemingly lost in her own sorrow.

The song, “Rockstar” by Cyrus, cost Frenner $1.29. Monetarily, it was not a huge hit. Her soul and dignity, however, continue to struggle with the decision.

“I feel like a part of me, the feisty flame I often felt when looking down upon fans of the untalented entertainer, has extinguished,” she explains. “I just don’t know where to go from here.”

Frenner claims the board presentation went well, and her managers seemed impressed. Nobody, however, commented on her song choice which has made her since wonder if they even noticed and if she could have saved herself the trouble. It’s a thought that she has to immediate dismiss as soon as it arises because it keeps her from sleeping at night.

Several parties waiting for singer Ke$ha to walk in so they can begin

Pop sensation Ke$ha’s number one hit has had an impact on social lives everywhere, beyond simply giving a good beat to dance to while out on a weekend night.

In the song, she claims that “the party don’t start til I walk in.” Many of her fans and party-goers across the nation have taken her words, yet again, to heart. Thousands of parties have been put on hold, waiting for the young blonde to walk in so they can begin.

The phenomenon has been inconvenient to many college parties, but it is simply devastating to a number of wedding receptions that have been sitting and waiting awkwardly but patiently for Ke$ha to allow the party to begin.

Take the Gerstein wedding. Rachel and Mark Gerstein, a happily newly wedded couple, had everything go perfectly for their long-planned ceremony. That is, until they hit the reception. Both husband and wife are big fans of Ke$ha’s pop hit, and knew better than to attempt to begin a party before she walked in. So they sat. And their guests sat. They assumed that Ke$ha would know where the party was and would simply gravitate to it.

The result was a long and uncomfortable pause filled with silence and anticipation.

Ke$ha never came.

“We eventually had to attempt to begin the party without her,” Rachel Gerstein said. “Nobody really knew how.”

The Gersteins are simply one case out of thousands who have been stood up by the pop singer while waiting to begin a party. It is believed that the phenomenon will continue as long as Ke$ha’s song gets air time.

Earth considering returning to Pangea formation to avoid New Jersey having a shore

Mother Earth made a rare public statement yesterday morning, which shocked the nation. The famous entity, well-known for keeping a passive approach to dealing with humanity, finally spoke out about a phenomenon disturbing the planet.

And to most people’s surprise, it had nothing to do with global warming.

“I apologize for the types of creatures that have sprung up from the shoreline in New Jersey. Their existence and popularity is causing me such immense concern that I may return to my ancient Pangea formation in order to avoid the creation of more of these monsters.” The statement was short and to the point, yet it’s implications are chilling.

Clearly, the popular MTV show “Jersey Shore” is more disconcerting to Mother Earth than any pending imminent climate crisis. Despite the numerous meetings and summits on climate change and control, the earth has remained relatively quiet about the entire issue. It seems, however, that the popularity and rise of stars like “Snooki” and “The Situation” has caused the earth enough concern to threaten a cataclysmic change that could result in the death of millions.

When asked to comment on the issued statement yesterday, members of the “Jersey Shore” cast were too wrapped up in working out and tanning to respond.

Haitians grateful for American pop singers’ “Help for Haiti” music to help them while cleaning up dead bodies

After the disastrous earthquake attacked Haiti recently, destroying much of the country and killing hundreds of thousands, American pop musicians did everything they could to help out. They sang their pop hits and created a compilation CD of their hits and gave profits to help with disaster relief.

While many are applauding their effort, some critics accuse the celebrities of not doing enough. Harrison Wyley, a local man who has donated a lot of money to Haitian relief, is not impressed by the singers’ showy efforts. He claims, “If I have $10, and somebody needs help, and I raise $100 for them by doing my job, I can feel pretty good about what I’ve done…but I still have $10. I haven’t given anything of myself to them.” For Wyley, a parallel situation is happening with the pop singers and Haiti relief efforts. Only multiplied by a million.

Haitians themselves are grateful for the songs. They claim hearing American pop music specifically geared or lyrically changed to highlight Haiti makes a day of cleaning up dead bodies fly by much faster.