Waiter reveals he’s actually an actor in between jobs, Los Angeles restaurant patrons absolutely shocked

Jeremy Plowman, a young, handsome man working at a local Applebees shocked local patrons this week with a stunning admission. Plowman is actually a struggling actor, who only works as a waiter to pay bills.

Plowman casually mentioned this statement as he was talking to a patron about the Oscars. The patron, who is still recovering from shock, refused to comment.

Plowman’s manager, Tracey Shorfield, says she had no idea. “I’m as shocked as the rest of you,” Shorfield states. “Since when do actor’s need to work as waiters for income?”

Plowman says he enjoys the flexibility and hours that working as a waiter provide for him, though admits that he feels differently than his waiter counter-parts. “Everyone here at Applebees is really invested and dedicated to the food industry. It feels strange to have a life outside of work.”

For now, Shorfield says she will not discriminate against Plowman because of his pursuits outside the restaurant. “He’s a good worker,” shes says. “Who knows-maybe he’ll finally realize being a waiter is the best job you can ask for and give up that crazy other life. Who knows.”

 

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The Onion Says It Best

This week, I defer my thoughts to the professionals at The Onion, who have somehow found a way to make this incredible tragedy into something cuttingly culturally-aware and somehow sadly funny. Thank you, Onion folks. Job well done.

Click here for the Onion article “Sadly, Nation Knows Exactly How Colorado Shooting’s Aftermath Will Play Out”

The White Shirt

I knew that the white shirt I was wearing was a pretty one. I knew because I had just worn it that weekend for the first time in a few years, and the weight that I’d dropped agreed with the new way that this shirt fit me. When I showed up to see my boyfriend wearing that shirt, his eyes got a little bigger and he said “That’s a nice shirt.” From him, that was the equivalent of screaming on top of a mountain “Holy shit-you look really hot.”

So I wore it a few times in a row. Sue me. Doing laundry when you don’t own your own washer and dryer is expensive and I wanted some mileage out of the shirt. On this particular day, I coupled it with my skinny jeans and great brown boots that had a manageable heel and little bit of attitude. And I gotta admit- it did make for an awesome outfit. I looked good. Normally, I look fine. That day I looked good. Really good.

Of course, it was the day my boss asked me to walk a few blocks to the post office to drop off some letters in the afternoon. No big deal. I actually love the excuse to walk somewhere in LA. It makes me feel like I’m back in Chicago again- except without all the stress of having to bring three change of clothing options for any possible weather pattern that may occur in the ten minute walk. So I headed out the door. Great outfit on.

Now keep in mind, this is Los Angeles- a city where women wear heels like sneakers. No…literally. High heels while going running or playing tennis. I know I’ve seen it. The heels are everywhere. And having on a good outfit is expected around these parts. I walked out with my hips a-swaying and my head held high.

So why, then, did I suddenly feel like I was the only female walking through a giant construction site filled with men who haven’t seen a woman in five years? It’s literally a six minute walk to the post office. Within the first minute, I’d been cat called. I was walking by a car repair shop located right next to my day job’s office and I could feel their eyes on me. My boss once suggested I go to this place for an oil change. I tried. I got the creepiest vibes ever and decided to drive 45 minutes one way to my regular shop instead. That’s how much I don’t like this repair shop.

Someone made a whistle sound with their mouth, and I knew I was the likely subject causing it. There was nobody else around and- even though I didn’t want to look over- I could feel the eyes. Another whistle and some laughs or grunts. I couldn’t tell the difference at this distance and I was sure as hell not going to look in their direction to find out. These men creep me out when they’re not looking at me, let alone when they are.

Why the whistle, anyway? Am I a bird that responds to a high-pitched mating noise? Has anyone ever actually responded to a cat call and started a meaningful relationship from it? Has anyone ever started any relationship at all because of it? What’s the point? I can only imagine that women who have extremely low self-esteem would ever respond to that type of interaction with any interest. And the types of women who would respond to that are certainly not the types that men like to have around- needy, insecure, unsure of themselves, constantly needing approval… you get the idea. So, really, no good can come out of that whistle. Why even do it then? I guess I’ll never know.

After the second whistle sound, which secured my notion that these men were- in fact- starting at me, I started to feel self-conscious. I suddenly didn’t know how to properly walk. Was I walking sexy before? Should I change up my walk? How can I somehow change up my walk to retain the confidence I have in myself yet get rid of the supposed sexiness that is causing all this attention in the first place? But I had to do it in a way that doesn’t change any part of my movement at all so as not to let them see that they’re affecting me at all. It’s impossible. Instead of worrying about it too much, I kept my hips a-swaying and my head held high. And I hold out hope that a woman in heels and a dress comes along soon to distract them. Surely this white shirt isn’t powerful enough to detract attention from a woman in heels and a dress. That’s like car repair shop cryptonite.

After pressing on and making it past the car repair shop, I had to cross a six lane street. Yes, I had a light, silly!  I’m not some superhero! If I were I would have just flown above the car repair shop, spit down on the workers so they wondered what hit them and flown away giggling before they could see that it was me!

The problem with crossing this street now is that I’ve already started to feel a little self conscious. I knew I looked pretty good, and those workers made me think I must look like a total babe, so now I had to walk across a line of cars who are stopped, staring forward, and have nothing else to do but watch the slow pedestrian in front of them.

Whatever. I keep my hips-a-swaying and my head held high. I finally make it to the post office. Normally, this would feel like punishment because it is the US Postal Service after all- the place where hope and dreams go to die. But on that particular day, it felt like a relief. With all the freaks and weirdos wandering around in and out of the post office (most of them employees), I could disappear into anonymity again. If you ever want to feel ignored, the post office is the place for you.

I headed inside. Just as I was about to open the door, a young man yelled something at me. He said, “Excuse me?” My hand on the door, I turned around.

I know better than to turn around. I’ve talked to enough weirdos and freaks in my life to know not to engage random people on the street. You very rarely meet a soulmate that way. But I can’t help it. I am, after all, born and raised in the midwest…so of course I turn around.

After living in major cities for a while, though, I have developed one protection mechanism. I have a totally annoyed look on my face. Creepy people hate it when you talk to them with an annoyed look on their face. They’re known for picking up on subtle human social cues. So I turn around, annoyed face, and answer, “Yeah?”

It was a young man who’s a few feet behind me. He’s walking fast to catch up to me. I kept my hand on the door as if to show how I’m clearly busy and on a mission. He said, without really looking up, “Can you do me a favor?” I knew there is no way in hell I’m going to do anything for this man. There’s absolutely nothing I will give him and there’s no way I’m going to be even mildly inconvenienced by him. I’m already giving like three extra seconds of my life to listen to him! Why would I give anything more?

I stood there waiting for him to tell me what the favor is. I didn’t even answer (because I’m such a badass!) but I kept standing there (because I’m such a pushover!). He said, “I just wondered if you could do me a favor… can you go on a date with me?”

For any of you out there thinking “OMG, how cute is that?” Let me first encourage you not to use text talk in your head. It’s very important that- at least in our mindthoughts- we don’t abbrev. If we abbrev everything all the time, we’ll forget what the original meaning before the text talk was. So, rethink that now, please.

For those of you now thinking “Oh my gosh, how cute is that?” Let me thank you for changing up that thought to be more complete, and then tell you a little back story.

About three months ago, when I was first training for my current day job, I went to a grocery store around the corner from the office with the girl who’s job I was taking over. It was a few days before she was moving across the country to be with her boyfriend and start a new life and family with him. When we walked into the grocery store, a young man approached her and said, “Excuse me? Can you do me a favor?” Michelle, the girl who’s job I now have, stopped and said, “What?” and the man looked coyly at her and said, “Uh, can you go on a date with me this weekend?” Michelle laughed and said, “No, I don’t think so.” I answered, “She’ll be across the country living with her very serious boyfriend hopefully fiance at that point so… she’s busy.” He walked away and went about his day. We did the same- after making fun of his “do me a favor” approach for a minute.

Fast forward, and there I was not far from where this original incident took place. And there’s kid asking me the same question in the same way it was previously asked who looks a lot like the guy who approached Michelle in the grocery store. Can I prove it was the same dude? No. I didn’t take a picture or do a sketch of his face afterwards. A picture would have been weird and a sketch would have made him look like every other sketch picture I make…a blob with disproportionate features. Plus…it would have certainly been a lot weirder if I had gone back to the office after the incident and started sketching down the face of this guy for posterity. Who does that?

Having said that, I’ve probably talked to enough creepers in my life that I am likely a person with at least a couple sketches of my face in some back alley box somebody is holding onto for posterity.

Anyway, back to the post office. Ugh. The post office. So gross. So grimey. So sad.

Sorry what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, outside the post office. The dude. And the favor. Which- let me just add- is a pathetic and not charming way of asking any woman out ever. Even if he lucked out and got some really altruistic woman to agree to a date, it would be out of literally doing him a favor. How sad. The whole thing would be out of pity. Not a good way to start. Then again, I’m sure the same woman who respond to cat calling may actually appreciate a man with low enough self esteem to ask for a date out of pity. I guess these people exist. The magic only has to work once.

I didn’t have the heart to both embarrass him by calling him out on using the same line on both me and my friend a few months ago and then rejecting him. So I just said, “No, I don’t think my boyfriend would like that very much.” And walked away. Which is a lie. My boyfriend wouldn’t care. Sure, he wouldn’t be really fond of the fact that I would say “yes” to dates with other guys. That’s obvious. I don’t mean that. I mean that he would not be threatened at all by a man who would be willing to approach a woman and ask her for a date as a “favor” without even really having the confidence to make eye contact. My boyfriend is one of those alpha males, you know. Confident. Aggressive. Few words. Tall. Intelligent. Handsome. Strong. Pure masculinity. Mmmmmm.

What?

Oh. Sorry. I went away for a minute. I’m back now.

Another reason the line I gave was a line was because that wasn’t my reason for rejecting him. Boyfriend aside… (aw man! Now I’m thinking about boyfriend again. Tall. Handsome. Mmmmm. I’ll be right back…)

Anyway! If there were no other outside factors keeping me from saying “yes” to this man, there’s still no way I would do it. Too pathetic. Too obvious. Too victim-y. Too weak. I would eat him alive. A guy like him coming up to a girl like me is like a gazelle wandering up to a hungry lioness asking directions to the shadiest spot in the safari. Many a gazelle has been killed that way. When will they ever learn? Come on, gazelles! Just get GPSes (GPSi?) already!

I walked away from the man- for his own good- and went to the post office to drop off my letters. And then started the long trek back. Yes, as I passed the car repair shop I heard more whistles. Yes. I counted. A total of five for the entire trip. Five whistles and one date proposal. That’s how nice this white shirt looked. Why did I count the whistles, you say? I am an actress, after all. I can’t pretend to not like attention.

Was it flattering? Truth be told, yes. It was very flattering. But I hated every moment of it. And I loved every moment of hating it. And I can’t wait to wear the shirt again and love hating every new moment of the attention it brings. I’ll wear it with a little heel to make my hips a-sway and keep my head held high. And I’ll disgustedly glare down any man who looks at me.

Ah, the complicated ways of we women.

January 2012- A Few Good Jokes

Obama asked Congress this week for the power to consolidate several government agencies with overlapping authority and thereby reduce the power of the government. He’s said to have first gotten the idea after being bombarded with emails dealing with ‘shrinkage.’

Axl Rose was on jury duty for four days this week, saying it was ‘relatively painless.’ He also admit that the number of drugs he’s put into his body over the years have left him numb to all feeling, so that could be why he didn’t have any issues.

Many popular Wikipedia, Google, Craiglist and many other information sites protested an anti-piracy bill by making their content unavailable this week. Which means there will be one day this week where nobody will know anything about anything. Get ready.

California Governor Jerry Brown supported a $100 million dollar bullet train rail project this week. He is planning on paying for the project with monopoly money, since the state is completely bankrupt.

A woman gave birth on a New Jersey commuter train this week, with other passengers helping out in the process. Apparently, most of the other passengers were delighted at the event because they could identify-for the first time- the gooey substance on the seat next to them.

LA’s porn industry, which is an $8 billion dollar industry with 90% of it’s films created in the San Fernando Valley, is threatening to leave if state legislators follow through on a bill that requires the actors to use condoms in their films. If that move were to actually happen, the loss of revenue in the San Fernando Valley would make it impossible for anyone to purchase anything… especially not condoms.

The TSA issued an apology today to two elderly women who claimed they were inappropriately partially strip searched while flying to Florida. The agency also apologized to the TSA agent forced to strip search these women.

Former playmate turned reality star Kendra Wilkinson has been really open about her latest diet, one that consists of lots of nuts. Which is no surprise coming from a woman who’s entire career is built on her affinity for nuts in her mouth.

Kodak company has filed for bankruptcy marking the end of a technological era. And the beginning of a new pointless hipster trend.

Seal and Heidi Klum are getting divorced.. making it impossible to believe in celebrity true love anywhere.

Kim Kardashian has asked that people not call her 72-day marriage a to Kris Humphries ‘business decision.’ She emphasized, “It was also for pure publicity purposes.”

Miley Cyrus cut five inches off her hair. Which is arguably the most interesting choice the teen star has ever made.

Lego company’s a new line of Legos specifically marketed toward girls, with more slender figures and stylish clothes, are causing quite a controversy with critics saying the toys promote body dissatisfaction. Body-image experts are apparently worried girls everywhere will start to tape or even surgically meld their hands together to look more like the fingerless cupped hands of their plastic doll idols.

Jan 13-23, 2012 Some More Jokes!

Obama asked Congress this week for the power to consolidate several government agencies with overlapping authority and thereby reduce the power of the government. He’s said to have first gotten the idea after being bombarded with emails dealing with ‘shrinkage.’

Axl Rose was on jury duty for four days this week, saying it was ‘relatively painless.’ He also admit that the number of drugs he’s put into his body over the years have left him numb to all feeling, so that could be why he didn’t have any issues.

Many popular Wikipedia, Google, Craiglist and many other information sites protested an anti-piracy bill by making their content unavailable this week. Which means there will be one day this week where nobody will know anything about anything. Get ready.

California Governor Jerry Brown supported a $100 million dollar bullet train rail project this week. He is planning on paying for the project with monopoly money, since the state is completely bankrupt.

A woman gave birth on a New Jersey commuter train this week, with other passengers helping out in the process. Apparently, most of the other passengers were delighted at the event because they could identify-for the first time- the gooey substance on the seat next to them.

LA’s porn industry, which is an $8 billion dollar industry with 90% of it’s films created in the SFV, is threatening to leave if state legislators follow through on a bill that requires the actors to use condoms in their films. If that move were to actually happen, the loss of revenue in the SFV would make it impossible for anyone to purchase anything… especially not condoms.

The TSA issued an apology today to two elderly women who claimed they were inappropriately partially strip searched while flying to Florida. The agency also apologized to the TSA agent forced to strip search these women.

Former playmate turned reality star Kendra Wilkinson has been really open about her latest diet, one that consists of lots of nuts. Which is no surprise coming from a woman who’s entire career is built on her affinity for nuts in her mouth.

Kodak company has filed for bankruptcy marking the end of a technological era. And the beginning of a new pointless hipster trend.

Seal and Heidi Klum are getting divorced.. making it impossible to believe in celebrity true love anywhere.

Kim Kardashian has asked that people not call her 72-day marriage a to Kris Humphries ‘business decision.’ She emphasized, “It was also for pure publicity purposes.”

Miley Cyrus cut five inches off her hair. Which is arguably the most interesting choice the teen star has ever made.

Lego company’s a new line of Legos specifically marketed toward girls, with more slender figures and stylish clothes, are causing quite a controversy with critics saying the toys promote body dissatisfaction. Body-image experts are apparently worried girls everywhere will start to tape or even surgically meld their hands together to look more like the fingerless cupped hands of their plastic doll idols.

December 16, 2011 JOKES!

Britney Spears is engaged to her long-time boyfriend and former manager, a stable man with whom she’d has been extremely happy. Based on Spears’ previous taste in men, experts are giving this union 10-14 days.

Kobe Bryant’s wife is filing for divorce after 10 years of marriage. The woman who notoriously stood by his side during allegations of assault and adultery cited “irreconcilable differences” for their reasoning. Turns out someone finally explained to her what assault and adultery actually mean.

Scarlett Johansson publicly complained about the use of her nickname “ScarJo” saying she didn’t understand how people would be so lazy as to not say her full name. Geez, ScarJo, don’t u know like airybody abbrev’s now? Who’s got time to say full names anymre?

Rob Kardashian is launching a dress sock line. Because the only thing more boring than Rob Kardashian are socks designed by Rob Kardashian.

Christian Bale was attacked by Chinese guards during a recent trip in an attempt to visit a controversial Chinese figure. Bale was apparently getting into the guard’s shot and screwing up their rhythm. The actor said he completely understood their frustration, having experienced something similar in the recent past.

A man in a santa claus hat robbed a bank in Encinitas this week, explaining to the teller that his son was sick and he couldn’t afford to pay. He added, “Besides, this hat alone cost me $40,000 so you can see why I’m strapped for cash.”

Thin walls leave little mystery to neighbors activities

Chicago, IL- When Chad Walton moved into his little studio apartment in the busy Chicago neighborhood of Lakeview, he knew he was not going to be completely cut off from the rest of the world. His studio was small and his rent was cheap.

The first night, as he listened to the nightly news on his neighbor’s television through the wall, he knew he could expect some issues. But he’s a busy guy and a heavy sleeper, so he didn’t worry too much about the issue. It wasn’t until a couple weeks later when he heard two people, a high and low pitched voice, that he started to realize just how thin the walls between the apartments were.

“At first I heard just a man and a woman having a good time,” Walton says. “Then I heard them having a really good time. And I heard most everything. And I got uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.”

In a small apartment, he admits there aren’t many places to hide. Unable to get away from the noise, he simply turned up his stereo and pretended nothing unusual was happening.

While many people accustomed to close-quarters city living would argue that there’s nothing strange about Walton’s circumstances, Walton says there is one strange element he can’t seem to get over.

“After I hear the man and woman together for a while, and turn my stereo up, I almost always hear the woman leave the apartment shortly thereafter. She never stays very long,” Walton explains.

What’s strangest is there have been occasions where Walton walks to the elevator on his floor and there will be a woman in a long trench coat, wearing sunglasses and putting a wad of cash in her pocket. It’s happened on more than one occasion. Despite feeling like an intimate friend of this woman, he keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t make eye contact. “I’m afraid she’ll know I can hear her,” he says. “And that would just be so embarrassing for everyone!”

His neighbor once confronted him, point blank and said “I hope you can’t hear me at night.” To which Walton started sweating profusely and getting uncomfortable. “I mean because I snore so loud,” his neighbor added. Somewhat relieved but not yet off the hook, Walton simply responded, “Nope. I can’t hear anything ever.” And his neighbor smiled and discussed the nasal issue that made him snore so loud.

Walton says he maintains a friendly relationship with his neighbor, and has never let on that he can hear anything. And he has yet to make eye contact with the lady visitor.

Couple stays together for fear of gossip about Facebook status change

Tracey Thomas and Ricky Lane have been officially broken up for two weeks. But that’s in the real world. Online, specifically on Facebook, they remain an item.

But, why? The two have no intentions of reconciling. They only dated for about three months before they decided they were incompatible and completely bored by each other. Unfortunately for both of them, they had already taken the plunge and were in a Facebook relationship with each other. In order to avoid the notorious broken heart symbol and the numerous friends and acquaintances who would comment on the personal change, the two have just decided to leave themselves together online.

This story is not an isolated one. Since it’s inception, Facebook has taken the already muddy world of relationships and officially made them “It’s Complicated.” On the one hand, many people rush into being in a Facebook relationship out of excitement to show off a new significant other and to know that significant other will have officially gone off the market for others checking their profile. On the other hand, they often look before they leap, leaving them regretting having to have the world know when they go through something as awkward as a public break up.

And officially breaking up is just the tip of the ice-Zucker-berg when it comes ways Facebook has changed our social interactions. Between who we allow to see what, how we can manipulate our privacy settings, how we throw and plan and promote parties and social gatherings, how we keep in touch with people we haven’t seen in years and may never see again, how we say goodbye to loved ones, and how we tag our pets as humans are just some of the hundreds of new anxiety-building methods that we have to communicate with one another.

It’s the little broken heart that sets the break up apart from all else on Facebook, however. Both Thomas and Lane (among numerous others) agree that their hearts were not broken when they broke up with each other. They just want to avoid the numerous people who will comment on the status change. Or, even worse, send messages condoling them or writing notes about starting over and tagging them in it.

So, they stay together. And, as a result, still hang out with each other once in a while, mostly so friends can get a picture of them together, tag it, and there are no worries about whether or not their still together from well-meaning friends. The Facebook relationship, for these two, is almost like choosing to make the commitment and have a child together. Though they no longer want to be together, they must put up appearances so people don’t judge them or stick their nose in their personal lives.

Ah, the perils of the new world.

After spending hours tormented over celebrity’s life, gossiper finally realizes it doesn’t matter

Lisa Hausing is a concerned citizen. No, she hasn’t yet registered to vote. Nor is she involved in any community organizations. Her concerns rest solely in Hollywood, CA, where she religiously follows celebrity gossip.

That is, she religiously followed celebrity gossip. The verb must be in the past tense because just yesterday, Hausing had a revelation. After spending a full 24 hours away from all technological outlets due to a surprise outdoors trip planned by her husband, Jared Hausing, Lisa had a revelation. The world continued without her and her favorite celebrities did not mention that they’d noticed she was gone. They had, in fact, never even mentioned that they noticed her.

She realized that the world of these people that she saw on entertainment outlets throughout the country, whom had invested so much time and energy into emulating and formulating opinions about, had absolutely no effect on any aspect of her life.

Hausing claims it was a total revelation. She says her first reaction that these figures had no influence on her life wasn’t depressing, but rather much more liberating. “I’m free to start caring about my friends, and talking to the people I interact with daily about their concerns and their families,” she says. “I had never even noticed half these people before.”

Though the past several hours have been difficult for Hausing, who has decided to go cold turkey from all celebrity gossip outlets, she admits that they’ve been extremely enjoyable as well.

“Look at me!” She says, smiling and shooting a peace sign at her friends. “I’m so Miley!” She then gets a distant look in her eyes and begins to tear up.

Hausing knows the journey from caring about celebrities to caring about her friends and family will be a difficult one, but she’s swears she’s in it for the long haul.