Fantasy Football

I’m in a fantasy football league this year with my boyfriend and his family.

imgresMy brother has been doing fantasy football for years. I like watching football and understand how the sport is played. I know some of the best players names and enjoy following the sport.

At least a little.

This whole fantasy stuff has taken it all to the next level.

The draft itself was terrifying because I didn’t even understand how to draft people. I was picked last which means I always picked two in a row. Which means I got extra amounts of time in which I was unable to breathe because I was too busy screaming out of stress and crying that I didn’t understand what was happening or what to do and yelling at my boyfriend to come help me then accusing him of somehow cheating me out of a good team even though I have no way of showing he was doing anything other than helping me.


In case you couldn’t tell by that run-on sentence during which I never took a breath while typing, you can imagine what the draft experience was like.

Then, I found out, that I actually have to keep up with this stuff. I have to play certain players and there are trades and stuff. And I can do research on who’s playing who and what it all might mean and strategize how best to do the best and oh god I’m having another mild panic attack I’M DONE WITH THIS BLOG NOW I CAN’T THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE. I’M GOING TO GO DO THE ONE THING I TRULY ENJOY ABOUT FOOTBALL SEASON… DRINK BEER.


Get Your Reps In

female2In many ways, I approach my career athletically. I grew up playing lots of different sports and learned the value in practicing daily for incremental improvements in order to become overall better during game time. I understand that every chance you get to practice even the smallest of moves, you improve your overall performance in the game. I also understand that it’s helpful to take notes of specific games and how you did in them to analyze and see what you do well and what needs improvement.

And I apply a lot of that to my career. Daily. I treat performances as game time. I do the best I can given whatever surroundings conditions I’m playing in and analyze how I did afterwards. I know it’s not the same because in the entrainment world- especially in comedy- so much is arbitrary. But you can find ways to evaluate yourself. And you can understand how different moves help overall performance.

For instance, I consider doing stand up open mics the same as doing cardio at the gym. It’s necessary and can make a big difference in your overall physique. But doing hours and hours of it doesn’t always give you the best outcome for your time investment. You’ll improve, of course, but it’ll be incremental. And I consider writing like lifting weights. The more time I spend writing- whether it’s these blog posts, screenplays, short films, sketches, stand up jokes- the better I become as a comedic brain. In the best case scenario, in a good workout, you can get in both your weight lifting and your cardio sessions. But if you only choose one, you can just choose based on the immediate goals ahead.

Lately, for me, I’ve been lifting more weights and doing more writing. As a result, I’ve sculpted my body more effectively and created a ton more opportunities for performances that feature my strengths and sensibilities I wouldn’t otherwise have. And I’ve been happy with the results on both ends.

But I’m of course itching to find time to get that cardio back in my routine. I like to get those reps in on the mics to stay fresh and connected to the community. Even just one mic a week (or a couple cardio per week) and I can keep from getting too rusty.

So gotta keep the performance and practice routines balanced. Otherwise you get fat and not funny. And that’s just an odd combination.

I don’t mean it. I just needed a way to quickly end this post because things were getting too real. 

Golf! Who knew?

20140106-091806.jpgSo… it turns out I love to golf. I learned this yesterday. It was very exciting then. It’s still very exciting now. Even just thinking about the next time I can get out on a course is very exciting to me.

And I’m shocked. Because it’s golf. GOLF.

It’s a sport that I have a stand up bit making fun of. I would shake my head when people told me they liked it. I didn’t ever understand why people would watch it. And- to be honest- until yesterday, I wouldn’t have even called it a sport.

Yes! I was mean to golf! You’re daggum right I was! I’m not proud of it! I’m trying to set the record straight!

It turns out, it takes a lot of patience, finesse and athleticism to golf. Sure, it’s not the best cardio workout on the planet. You’re not going to shred pounds while golfing. But you are going to connect with your mind and body. And golf etiquette is going to keep you off your phone (for the most part), so you’ll unplug for a couple hours from the rest of the world. And golf courses are super scenic and pretty, so you can be outside in nature for a while. And other golfers are polite. And it’s quiet. It’s… awesome.

I was nervous beforehand because I had no idea what to expect. But I had a great coach/golfmate who helped me with my swing and helped me understand strategy and helped me learn etiquette (and even was sweet enough to get me an official golf glove so I could look totally cool!). Plus, we went to a course that was pretty easy-going. People didn’t seem to take themselves all that seriously. Before we even got started, some old man handed me some extra balls he found on the practice putting green. When I told him it was my first time golfing he said, “Just have fun. That’s all you have to remember.”

And I did have fun. Even though I hit several balls into a lake and nearly hit an innocent person sitting on a bench on a different hole because I swung way too hard and didn’t get anywhere near my own hole. It was fun the whole time.

I can’t wait to get back out there. Especially since golf outfits are friggin’ amazing. And given my own outlandish and eclectic taste, I finally have a place where I can wear whatever I want and not get judged for it.

Like this guy:

golf pants

I know he’s probably someone very famous in golf (because he came up a bunch on my google searches). But I didn’t take the time to do my research on it yet.

I just started yesterday, you guys. Gimme a little break.

I can’t wait to get out there again. I was getting better every hole with every stroke. I started understanding strategy and the benefit of the different clubs. I still don’t completely get it by any means- but that just comes with time and practice.

Not to mention, afterwards you can totally splurge on beer and cigars. If that’s your style. At least it makes you look badass in pictures.

The Wall Street Journal considering adding ‘Sports’ section to paper for more available daily substance

Because of the rather boring and depressing nature of much of the United State’s economy, the Wall Street Journal is considering adding a ‘Sports’ section. Says Marty Bigshott, the (secret) Editor in chief of the paper, “A sports section will allow us to keep our credibility as a news source by consistently delivering content, while distracting people from our currently feeble and pathetic economy.”

The WSJ has been lagging behind other publications in terms of its general readership, a statistic they contribute to the horrifying nature of most of their truthful, daily economic articles. Their lack of pretty pictures and updates on local sports matches as put them at a disadvantage in terms of their level of “soft news.” They hope to change everything around by adding a very unique sports section.

Rather than a regular sport section where both teams are announced and a play by play is given of what happened during the game, the WSJ will only announce the winners from the previous nights sports match ups with colorful, happy pictures of the winners. It will highlight winning teams reactions and favorite hobbies outside the sports. It will hold a special “Furry Creatures Competing Like Humans” section for the Sunday paper, where it will highlight all the animal matches from the previous week, with an emphasis on puppies and kittens.

When asked if he thought his readers would support such a move, Bigshott said, “Of course! People don’t really care what they’re reading anymore. As long as they read a little bit of something, they can consider themselves informed.” He added, “And I know a lot of Wall Street bigwigs who love to share their opinion on the fastest turtle breed to bet on at a local church turtle race.”

Bigshott ended the interview with a huge smile and thumbs up, as a small tear rolled down his troubled face.