A group of hipsters who had been frequenting several chain coffee shops, clothing and book stores and complaining profusely after every encounter, suddenly became ill overnight.
The hipsters, who never exercise, drink high amounts of coffee and smoke a pack a day at least, cannot understand what suddenly made them ill. They, of course, blame the chain clothing and coffee that is currently in their body.
Other Chicago area residents, blame the trace amounts of arsenic they laced in the drinking water supply of local hipster hang-outs. The residents, who shall remain nameless, were apparently fed up with the hipsters complaints and overall exhausting approach to life, decided to take matters into their own hands.
Rhianna*, a 24-year-old Chicago resident who is constantly surrounded by whiney hipsters, explains her reasoning for the mild attack. She says, “I was tired of constantly being corrected on how to say things as if I had never been to school. I was tired of being told that I was always wrong in my recollection of common historical facts. And mostly, I was tired of listening to them moan endlessly about their white, middle-class, petty problems. So, I decided to shut them up for a bit.” She adds quickly, “It won’t hurt them for long. Just shut them up enough for me to get a little work done.”
Many other local Chicago residents are speaking out to support the efforts of Rhianna, among others. The hipster problem is a serious one within the city that must be dealt with head on, otherwise they will continue to run freely in the streets into whatever chain they feel like terrorizing that day.
The hipsters declined to comment since they were all bedridden.
*names have been changed to protect this individual’s identity
Briana Hansen 