Make It About Something

I know it doesn’t seem like I’m giving it my full attention. And to be honest, it’s not getting all the attention it deserves. At least right now. I’m working on a couple other projects this month that are taking my focus away from it. But it’s temporary. I love the Femoir world very deeply. I want it to be an extension of my own voice and to continue going on in many different capacities.

So even though it doesn’t always seem like it, this little show is a personal passion of mine. And I think about it often. It’s always somewhere in the back of my brain simmering. Trying to think of how to make it better. Trying to think of how to make it funnier. Trying to think of the best mediums through which to tell the story. Trying to think of how best to get my voice out to the world through Femoir.

The other day, I realized something major while in the middle of one of one of my recent breakdowns (which have been more frequent in many aspects of my life and I’m trying to see as positives because once you’re broken you can be built back up again as an even better version of yourself).

This is what I realized. I have been taking a bit of the Seinfeld approach to Femoir.

Which is similar to the Abbott & Costello approach.

Silliness for silliness sake. A series of sketches that makes sense because they’re an extension of the life I’m currently living, but not necessarily following any sort of theme. A series of characters put together to reside in the same space on stage for a short period of time. Or, in the case of the podcast, creating an arbitrary theme so that I can have a series of characters and ideas centered around it.

While I think there is some value to this process- mostly because I get to force myself to constantly write and come up with characters for no particular reason- I think it’s a selfish endeavor. I think it serves me more than the audience. I think the stage show and the podcast could be so much better if I told a story. And even better if that story came as the result of circumstances in my life that were real and important in that moment.

As of now, I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable onstage and on the podcast up to a point. These are my words and my ideas and I’m sharing them with you in the hopes that you’ll like them and be entertained by them. There’s definitely a vulnerability in that.

But in the midst of all these intense shifts and changes in my life, I think I can do more. There’s a power in letting people share a journey with you. There’s a power in telling a story that means something. There’s a power in focusing on some real aspect of your life and letting that inspire the humor, rather than choosing something arbitrary and figuring out some aspect of your life that you can fit into it. I can’t ask the people in my world to let me be a part of their lives and to be vulnerable to me, when I admittedly hide my own story and vulnerability behind characters.

Granted, I’m good at characters. And I like doing them. And I want to continue doing them. But I need to push beyond. To challenge myself to find that something more. And I don’t know what it is yet, but I do know that this whole Femoir world is missing something.

It’s hard for me to shake some of the shiz that’s been on my plate lately. Doing arbitrary podcasts and sketches just to get something out there is possible- but maybe not the best use of our time. As one of my favorite improv teachers would say, “There is no wrong, but it’s a lower percentage choice.”

I think the higher percentage choice might be to open up a little more. To be more present in these podcasts. To tell a story through Femoir. To allow myself to let it be a story, rather than just a series of ideas strung together. To take the time to ask myself why I want to have all these particular characters or ideas put together. To create a theme based on my life right now and to let that theme be clear. In doing so, then I can more clearly (hopefully) relate to other people who are going through different aspects of their life. They can laugh with and at me. We can be frustrated or overjoyed together.

I’m not sure what all this means yet or how it will translate to podcast or stage. But I just want you to know I’m thinking about it. And it will come out somehow.

Let’s find out how together.

Be careful what you wish for…

…because you just might get it.

I need to babysit some plants. I was thinking how the only way they stand a chance to survive five weeks in my garden apartment with very little light is if I get a little shelf to put them up on my patio. I thought about the shelf for a couple weeks, knowing full well I wouldn’t spend my little bit of extra cash on a shelf for plants. Next thing I know, there’s a shelf outside my dumpster by where I park my car on night as I pull up. SWEET.

Same thing with a fan I found. I have one fan in my apartment. Summer is coming and I will melt from heat without another fan. Two fans would make for great circulation, but I’m not going to go buy another fan right now because money is really tight. A few days of really wanting a fan, and boom- one is waiting for me outside my dumpster late at night. True, I have a pretty SWEET dumpster. I agree with that.

I had a serious chocolate craving one night. The type that takes over my entire body and it’s all I can think about. Unfortunately, I was in UCB class, so I had to try and concentrate until our break. I was about to book it out of class and go buy over-priced chocolate at a convenience store next door, when someone in class announced he brought brownies to celebrate another student’s birthday. They were double chocolate. He brought plenty for everyone to have a few. I had my fair share. Literally and figuratively… SWEET.

I had an audition last week. I knew I would get a callback. I had no doubt in my mind. I even told my friends, “I’m surprised they haven’t called me yet since I know I’m definitely getting a callback.” It should be noted, this would be my first commercial audition callback in LA with my new (great) agency, so it’s not like this happens all the time. A few days later, I got a call from my agency- I’d gotten a callback. I knew it. I had already seen the phone call vividly in my head.

Am I sharing these things because I want you to be impressed? Maybe. But I always want you to be impressed.

I’m sharing them because I believe that the universe is very responsive to our wishes. When we want something to happen and we truly obsess over it or know it to be true in our heart, the universe makes it a reality.

I believe- through my own experiences (beyond the few I’ve shared here) that we have to be clear and proactive about what we’re asking of the universe. If we don’t know what we want, we can’t get frustrated when nothing in our life is changing. Our mind is stagnant, so of course the world around us is the same.

When you’re really clear on what you want, and you’re specific about how it will feel when you get it- like it’s already happened- the universe will respond in full and make it a reality.

Sometimes, it manifests itself exactly like you thought. Sometimes, it manifests itself in completely different ways, but you get the same result you were asking for. Sometimes, as you focus completely on one specific goal, your gut starts to realize that’s not what you want after all- but the journey of seeking that goal has made you realize something wonderful you really want instead. So you can shift your focus and embrace the new world the universe has provided.

And it’s important to realize that in the process of asking for change within your world, you’re going to get it in all sorts of unpredictable ways.

I’m going through a number of major transitions myself- some “good” and some “not so good,” but throughout the process I’m trying to embrace the fact that life is changing in major ways for me on several fronts.

Life as I know it will soon look completely different from the way it did several months ago. And I know it will more closely resemble what I’ve been asking the universe for. So I need to continue to focus on what I want and recognize that foundations are built from breaking ground. I need to embrace the chaos and major changes- and know that each one of them has an opportunity to learn within it. And each one of them is part of the bigger visualization I’ve been so clear about asking the universe for.

You can’t experience the view of the mountain top without climbing the mountain.

And maybe it’s all random b.s. that doesn’t mean anything and I have no control and there is no magic and people are just animals trying to survive and meet their own selfish needs while keeping the rest of the species alive. Maybe none of it matters. But I choose to believe that it does.

And I choose to be excited while it’s all unfolding.

I’m writing this to share it with the world because I believe it’s true. I’m also writing this as an affirmation for my own purposes. If you don’t believe any of it, that’s just fine by me. If you do, that’s just fine either. I hope either way you can find joy and happiness in your life perspective. This is just a slice of mine.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” -Albert Einstein