Subway worker makes new customers think old gloves are clean

Eric Raskins is a 22-year-old disgruntled worker at a local Subway chain in New York city. Even at the mention of work, he scoffs saying, “My official title is ‘Sandwich Artist’. Sandwich is a noun. It should never be used as an adjective. Even the title is b*******.”

Raskins, a senior English major at NYU, becomes quite frustrated at the stringent policies of the sandwich chain. A self-proclaimed rebel, he consistently finds little ways to break the company’s rules. His most common rebellion is refusing to change little plastic gloves between sandwich creations.

Raskins admits that this is small act is not exactly inciting a revolution, but he claims he really needs the job to help pay off his student loans, so he doesn’t want to do anything too rash.

By keeping the same old gloves on for three or four sandwiches in a row, he relishes in the fact that each new customer thinks he has on a clean pair of gloves. When, in fact, the gloves have already been pretty well used by the time the third person gets in line.

During particularly rebellious moods, he even leaves the gloves on while ringing up and exchanging money with the customer. And then-without changing gloves, of course-begins sandwich artistry with the next customer in line.

For Raskins, he really loves the idea that there are many vegetarians who have little traces of meat on their sandwich thanks to the unchanged gloves.

Much like a restaurant that cooks their meat on the same surface as the vegetable options for non-meat eaters, Raskins doesn’t seem to care at all the repercussions of his actions. “Maybe they’ll end up liking meat if they just get over it and try it,” he says, adding “Tree-hugging hippies.”

When informed that oftentimes traces of meat, when ingested by those who choose not to put meat into their bodies, can have really dramatic repercussions like indigestion, stomach aches, headaches, cramps and bowel problems, Raskins simply smiles and says, “Well, maybe I am starting a revolution after all. In some poor shmuck’s small intestine.”

After bad food poisoning, vegan feels betrayed by vegetables

It was a Sunday evening when Elaine Johnson had what she thought was a healthy meal. Elaine, a vegan, admits she can be particular about her meals. This specific meal consisted of rice, peppers, avocado and tomato all sauteed together for a somewhat flavorful concoction. A little over an hour later, she started to feel queasy and sick. A few hours later, she was throwing back up the meal in the middle of the night.

Johnson, who admits to having a couple bad spouts of food poisoning before turning vegan, claims to now feel betrayed by vegetables. She explains, “The few times I’ve gotten food poisoning before, it had been from eggs or a bad piece of meat. And now, here I am nervous about eating vegetables? It’s nerve-wracking.”

Though Johnson understands that the rice could have been the source of her stomach problems, she is still upset with the vegetables for not warning her or fixing the rice in her stomach so it wouldn’t make her sick.

“I had a lot invested in my vegetables,” she explains. “I love them. I defend them when people say they’re not tasty or that they’re boring or that you can’t survive on eating just them or whatever. I trusted them. And now…well, I don’t know who or what to trust.”

The incident was a rare and isolated one for the vegetable community, who declined to comment when asked about the food poisoning. They just sat in their refrigerator door looking shiny, delectable and dangerous.

Slowly but surely, Johnson has been reintroducing certain vegetables into her diet in order to survive.

“I can only hope that maybe someday we can learn to trust each other again and I can start eating food again,” Johnson adds. “I’m a vegan, for God’s sake. Vegetables are all I have.”

Vegans presence at barbeque makes meat-eaters uncomfortable

Neighbors in a local Chicago community, looking to enjoy the fall weather with a traditional cookout, were uncomfortable with the unexpected presence of a vegan.

The cookout hosts immediately looked around for something for the vegan to eat. When they offered fish, she denied it saying vegans don’t eat fish. When they offered egg salad, she denied it saying vegans don’t eat eggs. When they finally offered her an apple, she happily accepted.

Her two previous denials, however, upset many other cookout guests. Afraid they’d be offending her by eating their meat, they began to hide their burgers from her. She insisted that the gesture was worthless, claiming, “I don’t care what you eat. I just don’t want to eat one!” This logic was lost on the guests, though, who felt judged by the vegan because she didn’t join in the carnivore-y.

The vegan claimed she just wanted to be part of the community, saying, “I didn’t mean to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I just wanted to say ‘hi’.” She say this is a very common problem for her at many social outlets. The people around her don’t understand why she won’t eat the same things they are, and assume she is judging them for their choices. “I often get, ‘I’m sorry-does this bother you?’ when someone’s eating meat near me,” she says. “As long as they’re not feeding it to me, it doesn’t bother me at all.”

Despite her easy-going nature, the vegan still stands out at a barbeque like a sore thumb, a common occurrence for vegans everywhere. While others enjoy their grilled animals and snack foods, vegans are often found munching on pieces of fruit in the corner and trying not to look uncomfortable.

Hipsters whine about poor treatment at a local coffee chain

Several hipsters, dressed in tight plaid pants and a mis-matched striped shirt and paisley scarf ensemble, were found complaining about their poor treatment at a local coffee chain in downtown Chicago on Friday morning.

The hipsters, who do not often frequent coffee chains and prefer local businesses, were in need of a serious caffeine pick-me-up, and desperately walked into the chain. The group immediately regretted their decision.

“The coffee tastes like oppression,” commented one of the lead hipsters. He added, “I can’t believe I paid money to the man who will inevitably keep the status quo in check and make my life more miserable than it already is.”

To make matters worse, the hipsters claim that the treatment of the workers towards them was below average. As another hipster explains, “It’s because we’re different and unique and not scared to be ourselves. We know we each look completely different, even if you can’t see the difference when you’re looking at our whole group. We’re totally individual in our own non-conformist conforming way.”

This particular group of hipsters is well known for frequenting a local coffee shop that charges exorbitant amounts of strange-tasting coffee. They are adamant that the coffee is the best in the city because of it’s home-grown materials. Much like their approach to modern art, they blame patron’s lack of sophistication about coffee for not enjoying the peculiar taste of the local store.

The hipsters will likely be frequenting a few more chain restaurants to complain before retiring to their normal hang outs to recharge their haughty arrogance amongst like-minded folks.

Vegans propose using human gas as quick-fix, organic alternative energy source

As petroleum prices continue to rise and the debate about finding alternative energy is as hot as ever, a small portion of the population is offering up a different solution. Vegans, in an attempt to reuse a higher percentage of their own waste, are offering up their gas as a powerful fuel source.

For the record, vegans are vegetarians who choose not to eat any product from an animal. This choice includes foregoing milk, eggs, cheese and all other forms of dairy products. As a result, many of the foods they do choose to eat, such as lentils and beans, cause them to produce a higher-than-normal amount of human gas. Also as a result of their diet, the gas is rather potent.

Recently, at their secret vegan meetings where they discuss how to convert more people to veganism and go on and on about their self-righteous ways, vegan Jared Ludlow proposed catching their gas and using it to fuel cars of the future. Ludlow explains his reasoning for the idea, “Every day I pass gas, and it can easily clear an entire room. And it does so very quickly. Something about vegan gas causes a great deal of movement in humans, so what if we can isolate what that is and apply it to our machines? They’ll be able to travel for days off just one of my dinners. Imagine if more people got involved!” He added, “Plus, it’ll be a great way to reduce our waste onto this earth through the atmosphere. Plus, it’s organic-and you know how important it is to have organic options. Plus, it’ll give us another excuse to feel better about ourselves compared to everyone else.”

As for the actual implementation of the organic gas solution, not much as been done. Most scientists scoff at the idea or dismiss it as tomfoolery. Ludlow has not given up hope, “All scientists are run by oil companies. It’s a proven fact. If we can just get through to them, they’ll understand how great our solution is.” When asked how he planned on ‘getting through’ to the science and research community, Ludlow answered simply, “Hugs. Long and awkward hugs.