Polar Vortex

I’m glad my loved ones on the east coast and in the midwest survived the Polar Vortex these past couple days. I know a lot of people lost heat and it was frustrating and scary for folks. I hope you stay safe as you return to work and school tomorrow.

I know how it is to be cold. Here in LA, it got almost down to 50 degrees last night. I considered putting on my full-length wool coat.

Am I being an asshole? A little bit. Why? Because people make fun of LA and those of us who live here all the time. So this is one of the few moments I get to gloat.

I mean it when I say I’m glad everyone stayed warm and safe. And I also mean it when I say I had a wonderful the day at the beach and golfing while you were all being pummeled with snow.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the grocery (where they’re going to charge me for every bag I didn’t bring from home) to buy (overpriced organic) groceries that I’ll put in my car (that I have to make a hefty monthly car payment on) that I’ll drive back (on fumes because gas prices are so high) to my studio apartment (that costs more than most of my midwestern friends mortgage payments on their 3 bedroom homes).

But I don’t mind. I’m gonna drive with the windows down because-Whew It is really gorgeous out today.

Girl discovers umbrella makes walking in rain much more enjoyable

After several days of miserable, rainy weather, Anna Chavez needed to make a change. She became tired of being a victim of the outside conditions. She often found herself simply scurrying to and from different shelters, pathetically holding a free newspaper over her head, or pretending to be completely undeterred by the rain.

As it turned out, none of these options were at all effective in keeping the rain from being a frustrating experience for Anna. That is, of course, until she got a stroke of genius. She decided to purchase an umbrella.

This simple device, which has existed for centuries across the globe, has made all the difference for Chavez in keeping the raindrops off the majority of her body.

“I’m delighted,” Chavez said in a recent interview. “I just wish I had thought about buying one sooner! I was so stubborn to hold out so long without one.” Now, she is able to keep the small device her purse wherever she goes, and is prepared in case the untrustworthy sky decides to open up again.

“I don’t have to worry about my hair looking like a wet mop and pretending not to care!” she adds.

The umbrella has been a helpful tool to humanity throughout the centuries, keeping a sense of control over the environment. Even if that control doesn’t extend beyond a very small radius. And as long as the rain is coming from one identifiable direction. And, even then, the wind could turn the umbrella inside out and render it useless.

Despite it, humanity continues to worship the umbrella and all its symbolism, as recently made famous by the popular song “Umbrella” by the singer Rhianna.

Anna Chavez smiles now at the prospect of rain, adding, “Now, I can help people out when it’s raining if they’re unprepared. I can finally allow them to stand under my umbrella. Ella. Ella. Eh. Eh. Eh.”

Onslaught of detailed tweets affirms water on outside window is rain

Charlene Grandview heard small taps on her outside window as she sat in her living room in Springfield, Illinois. As she looked at the window, there seemed to be some sort of watery substance that was hitting the window panes. Unsure where to look for further details on the mystery, she logged onto her trusty Twitter and began checking the Tweets of people she knew were local.

Many of the Tweets discussed rain or the rain they were hearing outside their window. Many of them used the rain as an excuse for not exercising or any number of other excuses for not doing a simple act. These numerous Tweets she read and responded to, affirmed for Hoffer that it was, in fact, raining outside her window.

“Sure, I could have just checked Weather.Com or logged on to my local online news source and found out if it’s raining in my area, but I figured Twitter would be more up to date than those sources,” Hoffer claims.

When asked if she considered simply stepping outside to see if it was raining or not, she looked befuddled and said, “But, I could get wet. Plus, I wanted to see what was trending at the time.”

Chicago residents once again surprised that the city is cold

As the first cold front moved into Chicago over the past couple days, city residents are once again shocked that the nice summer weather will not last all year.

“I really thought this year would be different,” says Walter Franky, a long-time Chicago resident. “Every time the weather gets and stays nice for a while, I keep hoping old man winter will forget about our fair city and go bother someone else this year.”

The city was reminded of its naturally cold state when temperatures dropped to the mid 40s before the first of October. Most residents had their fall jackets, gloves, and scarves on. And the leaves haven’t even turned on the trees yet.

“Every year I hope that maybe winter won’t come. And every year, I’m wrong,” Franky adds. “Oh well.” He puts on his thermal underwear, sighs, and heads out the door. Despite the shining sun, the temperature outside is causing his nose to start to run. He says, dejectedly, “I’ll just have to wait until May for nice weather again.”

Man shakes his fist at God, God shakes the earth in response

Jeremy Young was never a religious man. So imagine his surprise when he walked off the train last Saturday into a rainstorm, shook his fist at the sky and cursed, imagine his surprise when the earth beneath him began shaking.

“As long as I shook my fist, I felt the earth below shaking right back,” Young explained. “I even stopped a couple times, and the second I raised my fist and made a sound, there was a slight quake. Like God was saying ‘nip it in the bud’ or something,” he added.

Rodney Wong, a passerby, saw the entire incident. “It was just the earth beneath the guy who was cursing the heavens. And the moment he stopped, the mini-quake stopped, too.”

God’s press secretary, who said God had to decline an interview because of his busy schedule, simply stated, “Let’s just say, the big guy’s getting somewhat crotchety in his old age. People have no patience for him anymore, so he’s been playing more practical jokes than he has in a couple thousand years. If it’s raining, it’s probably not because he wants you to have a bad day, but more likely because somebody somewhere needs some rain. He’s done worse in the past, let’s be honest. At least this is milder than a huge flood or fire or bees all over the place or something! I mean, let’s put this all in perspective, ok?”

With that simple angry, impatient gesture, Jeremy Young became a believer. And a more patient person. And, just a little, God-fearing.