Many leading Republicans have begun criticizing the congressional cafeteria, claiming the options is has are too expensive and nutritionally ineffective. They say if they had any control they would do something about their unhappiness.

“When I was confronted about the so-called crisis last week, I asked the Republicans what changes they’d like to see in the menu. They got upset and starting screaming they couldn’t tell me that because they had no control and nobody would listen to them,” said cafeteria manager Barry Watson. “I tried to tell them that I was listening and-even if I couldn’t give them everything they wanted-I would happily incorporate their ideas into our food menu. They, again, got upset and went off on how they were marginalized and victimized in the system. I’m not sure what to do with that.”

Jane Mosely, a congressional cafeteria worker, said things have begun to spiral out of control. “I asked one Senator, who shall remained unnamed, if he found everything alright. He said he had trouble finding the ketchup, but would find it even if ‘it broke him’. I pointed out where it was and he yelled at me for giving him a handout and lectured me on the importance of personal responsibility. Then went crying to his aides.”

Mr. Watson added, “Until they can come up with solutions to this food choice crisis themselves and quit whining about having no power, they’ll just have to be okay with what we’ve got. We’re not mind-readers, here. We’re simply ordinary Americans trying to do our job.”