Femoir 2015

Miley-Cyrus-peaceI can’t stop. I won’t stop. I refuse to let Femoir: The Podcast fall by the wayside.

And that’s why we’re back. Yesterday, I’ve posted a little introduction of what to expect in the upcoming year.

That’s right. I said it. IN THE UPCOMING YEAR. I’m doing this all in advance so you’ll never have to be without your beloved (free) Femoir podcast.

You can subscribe on iTunes. You can also leave comments and rate it there.

I’ll post show notes here as well later today.

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January 2012- A Few Good Jokes

Obama asked Congress this week for the power to consolidate several government agencies with overlapping authority and thereby reduce the power of the government. He’s said to have first gotten the idea after being bombarded with emails dealing with ‘shrinkage.’

Axl Rose was on jury duty for four days this week, saying it was ‘relatively painless.’ He also admit that the number of drugs he’s put into his body over the years have left him numb to all feeling, so that could be why he didn’t have any issues.

Many popular Wikipedia, Google, Craiglist and many other information sites protested an anti-piracy bill by making their content unavailable this week. Which means there will be one day this week where nobody will know anything about anything. Get ready.

California Governor Jerry Brown supported a $100 million dollar bullet train rail project this week. He is planning on paying for the project with monopoly money, since the state is completely bankrupt.

A woman gave birth on a New Jersey commuter train this week, with other passengers helping out in the process. Apparently, most of the other passengers were delighted at the event because they could identify-for the first time- the gooey substance on the seat next to them.

LA’s porn industry, which is an $8 billion dollar industry with 90% of it’s films created in the San Fernando Valley, is threatening to leave if state legislators follow through on a bill that requires the actors to use condoms in their films. If that move were to actually happen, the loss of revenue in the San Fernando Valley would make it impossible for anyone to purchase anything… especially not condoms.

The TSA issued an apology today to two elderly women who claimed they were inappropriately partially strip searched while flying to Florida. The agency also apologized to the TSA agent forced to strip search these women.

Former playmate turned reality star Kendra Wilkinson has been really open about her latest diet, one that consists of lots of nuts. Which is no surprise coming from a woman who’s entire career is built on her affinity for nuts in her mouth.

Kodak company has filed for bankruptcy marking the end of a technological era. And the beginning of a new pointless hipster trend.

Seal and Heidi Klum are getting divorced.. making it impossible to believe in celebrity true love anywhere.

Kim Kardashian has asked that people not call her 72-day marriage a to Kris Humphries ‘business decision.’ She emphasized, “It was also for pure publicity purposes.”

Miley Cyrus cut five inches off her hair. Which is arguably the most interesting choice the teen star has ever made.

Lego company’s a new line of Legos specifically marketed toward girls, with more slender figures and stylish clothes, are causing quite a controversy with critics saying the toys promote body dissatisfaction. Body-image experts are apparently worried girls everywhere will start to tape or even surgically meld their hands together to look more like the fingerless cupped hands of their plastic doll idols.

Jan 13-23, 2012 Some More Jokes!

Obama asked Congress this week for the power to consolidate several government agencies with overlapping authority and thereby reduce the power of the government. He’s said to have first gotten the idea after being bombarded with emails dealing with ‘shrinkage.’

Axl Rose was on jury duty for four days this week, saying it was ‘relatively painless.’ He also admit that the number of drugs he’s put into his body over the years have left him numb to all feeling, so that could be why he didn’t have any issues.

Many popular Wikipedia, Google, Craiglist and many other information sites protested an anti-piracy bill by making their content unavailable this week. Which means there will be one day this week where nobody will know anything about anything. Get ready.

California Governor Jerry Brown supported a $100 million dollar bullet train rail project this week. He is planning on paying for the project with monopoly money, since the state is completely bankrupt.

A woman gave birth on a New Jersey commuter train this week, with other passengers helping out in the process. Apparently, most of the other passengers were delighted at the event because they could identify-for the first time- the gooey substance on the seat next to them.

LA’s porn industry, which is an $8 billion dollar industry with 90% of it’s films created in the SFV, is threatening to leave if state legislators follow through on a bill that requires the actors to use condoms in their films. If that move were to actually happen, the loss of revenue in the SFV would make it impossible for anyone to purchase anything… especially not condoms.

The TSA issued an apology today to two elderly women who claimed they were inappropriately partially strip searched while flying to Florida. The agency also apologized to the TSA agent forced to strip search these women.

Former playmate turned reality star Kendra Wilkinson has been really open about her latest diet, one that consists of lots of nuts. Which is no surprise coming from a woman who’s entire career is built on her affinity for nuts in her mouth.

Kodak company has filed for bankruptcy marking the end of a technological era. And the beginning of a new pointless hipster trend.

Seal and Heidi Klum are getting divorced.. making it impossible to believe in celebrity true love anywhere.

Kim Kardashian has asked that people not call her 72-day marriage a to Kris Humphries ‘business decision.’ She emphasized, “It was also for pure publicity purposes.”

Miley Cyrus cut five inches off her hair. Which is arguably the most interesting choice the teen star has ever made.

Lego company’s a new line of Legos specifically marketed toward girls, with more slender figures and stylish clothes, are causing quite a controversy with critics saying the toys promote body dissatisfaction. Body-image experts are apparently worried girls everywhere will start to tape or even surgically meld their hands together to look more like the fingerless cupped hands of their plastic doll idols.

After spending hours tormented over celebrity’s life, gossiper finally realizes it doesn’t matter

Lisa Hausing is a concerned citizen. No, she hasn’t yet registered to vote. Nor is she involved in any community organizations. Her concerns rest solely in Hollywood, CA, where she religiously follows celebrity gossip.

That is, she religiously followed celebrity gossip. The verb must be in the past tense because just yesterday, Hausing had a revelation. After spending a full 24 hours away from all technological outlets due to a surprise outdoors trip planned by her husband, Jared Hausing, Lisa had a revelation. The world continued without her and her favorite celebrities did not mention that they’d noticed she was gone. They had, in fact, never even mentioned that they noticed her.

She realized that the world of these people that she saw on entertainment outlets throughout the country, whom had invested so much time and energy into emulating and formulating opinions about, had absolutely no effect on any aspect of her life.

Hausing claims it was a total revelation. She says her first reaction that these figures had no influence on her life wasn’t depressing, but rather much more liberating. “I’m free to start caring about my friends, and talking to the people I interact with daily about their concerns and their families,” she says. “I had never even noticed half these people before.”

Though the past several hours have been difficult for Hausing, who has decided to go cold turkey from all celebrity gossip outlets, she admits that they’ve been extremely enjoyable as well.

“Look at me!” She says, smiling and shooting a peace sign at her friends. “I’m so Miley!” She then gets a distant look in her eyes and begins to tear up.

Hausing knows the journey from caring about celebrities to caring about her friends and family will be a difficult one, but she’s swears she’s in it for the long haul.

After purchasing her first Miley Cyrus song, woman dies a little inside

Though there was a part of Paula Frenner that knew it would be inevitable to hold off from some day purchasing a song by the Hannah Montana star she loathed, but she had no idea the day would come so soon.

The sun shone brightly on that Spring day as Frenner scrambled to put together a presentation for the next day’s board meeting. In her presentation, she was to show she was still connected to youth culture-specifically young girls. In this interactive presentation, she needed a song to seem connected…and she knew turned to the dark side.

“I didn’t know where else to turn,” Frenner explains, almost crying. “I knew Miley Cyrus would make me seem hip and cool…but…” Frenner began to trail off, seemingly lost in her own sorrow.

The song, “Rockstar” by Cyrus, cost Frenner $1.29. Monetarily, it was not a huge hit. Her soul and dignity, however, continue to struggle with the decision.

“I feel like a part of me, the feisty flame I often felt when looking down upon fans of the untalented entertainer, has extinguished,” she explains. “I just don’t know where to go from here.”

Frenner claims the board presentation went well, and her managers seemed impressed. Nobody, however, commented on her song choice which has made her since wonder if they even noticed and if she could have saved herself the trouble. It’s a thought that she has to immediate dismiss as soon as it arises because it keeps her from sleeping at night.

Miley Cyrus projected to be considered attractive by 2060

According to a recent study conducted by the Institute for Identifying Attractive People (IIAP) located in Washington, DC, Miley Cyrus will likely become traditionally attractive around the year 2060.

The IIAP has been fascinated for years by Cyrus’ status as an attractive person without having any of the traditional attractive qualities. According to the Institute, she is not traditionally “unattractive” but is considered more “completely neutral-looking” and borderline “uneasy to stare at for long period of time.” What fascinates them, however, is Miley’s status as a “good-looking” person according to millions of other people. They hypothesize that her “attractiveness” to others is likely hugely linked to her huge fame and wealthy bankroll.

These excuses for her attractiveness, however, will likely change around the year 2060. The IIAP projects that by this decade, aliens will have begun to permeate society and procreate with humanity, creating a generation of youth that have giant eyes and funky features. Society’s standards of beauty will slowly change as these so-called “freaks” begin becoming more “normal”. And that’s when Miley Cyrus will begin to fit in and be considered more traditionally “attractive.”

The IIAP admits that beauty standards are constantly transforming along with culture and society. There are some elements, however, that remain the same throughout time. Their prediction of aliens procreating with humans is the only way-they can see- that Cyrus’ look will every be considered “standard beauty.”

Chicago Fire Department confesses having Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA” as part of their workout mix

Nobody spoke of it the first time the song played over the radio in the workout room at one of the local Chicago Fire Departments. The firemen, who take care to keep their body in tip-top shape, are consistently creating workout mixes to motivate each other.

When “Party in the USA” came on over the radio yesterday, however, there was a moment of quiet within the workout area. After an awkward silence, Chief Bryan Jameson simply said, “Who listens to Miley Cyrus?” He and the rest of the men working out scoffed and laughed a bit, all agreeing the song was teeny-bopper crap their daughters listen to.

Nobody, however, made a move to change the song on the mix.

In fact, a one brave firefighter even began singing along. At first under his breath, but once he caught eyes with a collegue who was doing the same, he began to do it a bit more. Eventually, everyone in the weight room was singing “Then a Britney song came on! Yeah a Britney song came on!” and working out significantly harder than they ever had before.

The results were astounding. So many men were motivated by the teenager’s pop song that Chief Jameson has agreed to keep the song on all future workout mixes to continue to have stronger workers.

None of the men actually talk about the day they discovered they all enjoyed listening to that music. There is simply a quiet understanding that when the song comes on, they’re all allowed to go crazy.

Chief Jameson is considering adding Beyonce’s “Single Girls” to the mix, too, though he adamantly denies ever having heard it before. He simply says, “I hear it’s a good song. My daughter told me. That’s all.”